When the girl with sunken eyes
and white lips mutters to herself on
the subway, remind her that there are
plenty of things to worry about, but for her,
losing weight isn't one of them.

When she gets off at your stop,
invite her for coffee. Even if her
eyes are throwing daggers at you,
and even if every instinct in a normal person
would be yelling that her track marks are just that,
track marks, and for all you know
she might just shove a letter opener into
your stomach for the contents of your pockets.
A few bucks for another spoonful of hell.

Lace your fingers in hers after she reluctantly
agrees, and without missing a beat,
talk about how no girl should pass up free coffee
or free alcohol. After all, there is the
economy to think about.

Gossip to her about people you
pass on the street, and when she settles
into her signature silence, tell her about
how you love to make up life stories
for the people you see outside your
apartment window, and how you've never
admitted that to anyone else.

When she leaves, after a warm vanilla latte
and two cinnamon bagels, tell her that
you should do this again sometime,
and make plans to meet her again next week.

When next week rolls around, don't be
surprised to see your alley rat friend
missing.  Instead, smile and think about
all the important reasons she couldn't make it.
Like staying in to finish a term paper for law school,
or picking up an extra shift at the local volunteer hospital.

Then turn to the little boy next to you,
scared, *****, and without parents,
and offer to walk him to the local church center.
Because these days, no one should have to feel alone.

I'm like smoke
I begin to blow
Through the concrete
and through the snow
And no one you'll ever know
Thinks the world moves too slow

Except me

Another night another choke
Another ignorant bloke
I feel the world is a stage
So I dance every day
Center stage of the masquerade
and I know we're all feelin' safe

It's like a jungle sometimes

It makes me wonder
Where's the thunder?
I saw the lights but couldn't feel em move
A ******-snack without the due
I couldn't feel the groove
Unless it' was in the amplitude

Another outrageous night

Out of sight
A state of mind
Control everything all of the time
Like the Pharaoh, The Sparrow, a king
Forget everyone
yet retain everything

On top of the world, on top of me

It's all about heart and compatability
And your faithfulness, it spoke to me
I don't think I've ever heard the truth
But the things you see could be your truce
I bet you think you've got me figured out

But none of your words ever left my mouth

So now the rain commences
While we sit and stare
In past and present tenses
We regret

The rain begins to fall
Cleansing us all
Of the mistakes we'll never forget

But still the water tries
It pleads, it begs, it pries
To remove our place to hide

The rain tries to rinse
But it only removes the glimpse
It gets from the outside.


Rain, rain, try a little harder
Burn me with your acid water.

I remember a Time
when 4 am meant the night was just beginning
and a half pack of cigarettes meant I was almost out

when a green box with four wheels spelled
F-R-E-E-D-O-M
and those hours inside
were like eons

when the Right Song
at the Right Moment
would leave me quaking

that first Drop
out of my mind and into that pool
and how amazing those camel turkish jades looked
and felt
as the smoke curled in my lungs

when all I wanted,
was to EXPLODE
to burst from all the tension and frustration
the confusion
to lose myself in the midst

I remember the disgust
with It and with Me
burnt out on the great hypocrisies
of the life I'd been given
and all I could do was
Run
Flee
dream of faraway places

the weakness
the overly analytical sensibilities
that brought me to my knees
that led me to tear myself to shreds

and, of course,
always chasing Her
that timeless, ephemeral Her
who would wipe it all away

I remember the betrayal
the way I needed to scream and yell
to make them understand
so I screamed and I yelled
alone, cruising through empty lanes of highway
at night.

the birds
those damnable birds!
always so bright and cheery
as I would come tumbling down
from my fleeting bliss
always wanting to just
keep chasing that peak
that moment, that Feeling
the all encompassing Knowing that
You Are Here Now,
however elusive it may be.

the surging force of unbridled passion and immature love
which consistently left me a burnt out husk
wondering why I'd ever let myself
get so far into that Hole
keep digging, keep digging,
it's got to be down here somewhere.

the elation of extending your ******* to the world
for just a little bit longer,
just a few more songs,
just one more cigarette.
that's all we ever needed to Figure It Out,
whatever It was or may Be.

the realization that 11:00 is the best time of all
never too late, nor too early
more time to play, or to sleep
but we never really slept much at all.

most of all, the Thinking
and thinking
the running round and round in endless circles
here and there, glimpsing a Truth
a fact or flaw,
a philosophy or prophecy
too much, too much.
I shattered.

broke myself into pieces
for Her and for Them
and mostly, for Me

I remember how the drinks
might not have put it back together
but they'd **** well make me forget
that it was broken in the first place

and especially that Bed Rock I hit
where even moving seemed incomprehensible
where nothing made sense
and all the glittering pieces were laid bare

but
The Climb
The Climb!
not without it's trips and stumbles
not without it's regressions;
for every two steps forward,
take one step back.

an ascension, nonetheless
even now, from my vantage point
I can see that hard place
but I still can't see the peak

and I am glad to have crashed
to have broken myself on the crags and the ridges
to carry the gravel in my skin and in my bones

extra weight for my climb;
strength training for the mind.
and now I know I
in a way that can't be learned from simply skating by
eventually,
the ice will break.

Love is a farce.
A Marketing ploy.
To make your heart beat faster
Your dreams dream bigger
And to raise you up
So that everything below
looks minuscule and meaningless in comparison.

And to delude you
Into thinking
You could have that someday too.

it's strange seeing
where everyone is now,

how one moment we were little babies at our desks,
trading lunches side by side,
writing love letters and getting kicked out
of class
how we truly believed in the meaning of
forever,
how we promised each other
we would stick together, like glue
after everything we knew would be over,
when the cold hands of life
would tear the hearts out of our chests
at last.

it was strange sitting across from you at that table,
with nothing but two coffee cups to symbolize
all the distance that no word could summarize,
how i listened as you filled me up
with the contents of your life that i could not
digest,
"we are buying a house together, it's so exhausting always going
back and forth, you know?"
i nodded and smiled, wondering selfishly if i would be
invited to the wedding.
coming from a family of divorce, i don't have much of a stance on weddings
but i have always found the idea of them
beautiful.

it's strange when you realize
success for you maybe different for someone else,
success for them may be a house, a car, and a high paying job
success for you may be just taking care of yourself in the way that
you give yourself something to look forward to
in order to survive another day,
in order to truly learn
to live.

and it's strange because
there comes a point where you know
two lives cannot ever be
compared.

You are not the waves that let me float
You are the boat that cradles me

You are not the path I follow
You are the shoes that comfort my dreary feet

You are not like a friend to me
You are my best companion

You are not there to fill in the nothing
You are there so I find joy in what I have

You are not the lamp that guides the way
You are the hand in mine that leads me

You are not my fish in the sea
You are the fisher that set me free

You are not the sun that warms the day
You are the moon that does all it can to brighten the night

You are not my heart
You are the life that flows through my veins

You are not the rain that cleanses me
You are the warm breeze that helps me to dry

You are not a piece of my life
You are the frame that holds it together

You are the love for me