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Nov 2014 · 1.1k
ravish
Emily Mackenzie Nov 2014
with your hateful eyes
and your evil mind
with sinning hands
you took the time
to make me feel useless
to made me feel numb
thumbs trace fingers
fingers trace thumbs
you outlined my jaw
with your soft kept hand
while you told me you wanted
to feel like a man
you never asked
if you could
if I said no
we know you would
you called me comely
you called me kind
you made me lose
my ******* mind
you made me ache
I was an abductee
you absolutely
dehumanized me
Jan 2014 · 2.4k
the red vineyard
Emily Mackenzie Jan 2014
as you spoke those words
a red vineyard
began to bloom from my wrist
you swore you weren't an alcohol man
however you took the time
to ensure my red vineyard
grew strong.
pruning and thinning
my patience and trust
using palissage
to train me into believing
my feeble mind
would believe simple kind
words said from my angel dressed in navy
my viticulturist, my sweet
you have taken the time
to acquire a taste for me
but in that
you have ruined my taste
for everyone else
aspersion played a role
I thought you'd never allow
and in that
you have turned my saccharine wine
into bitter blood
inspired by van gogh's "the red vinyard", 1888, and a boy who lied
Oct 2013 · 525
Linguistics
Emily Mackenzie Oct 2013
not 26
nor 28
or even a Russian 33
will ever be enough
to explain
just how much
I love you
Emily Mackenzie Sep 2013
I love your curves* play over and over
in my small schoolgirl brain.
everyone says i'm stupid to listen
to the things you tell me
because they are simply
"what I want to hear"

but these folks, these "friends",
they only read the lyrics
as opposed to listening to the song

they see the words but hear no beat

they read on the lines, not between them

they see graffiti on a concrete wall, when those spray paint scribbles are truly art

and sometimes it takes tilting your head to the left,
standing on one foot,
and closing your right eye
to see the beauty of what you say
and do

when you see the art of the spray paint that is my soul,
when you hear the sing-song of the way he calls me beautiful,
when the words are truly believed to be true, and not hollow spikes of sound

you understand
Aug 2013 · 531
kt (revised)
Emily Mackenzie Aug 2013
I remember
when you used to call

I remember
when you stopped

I remember
when I became funny

I remember
when you didn’t let it go

I remember
when you turned

I remember
when you told me to **** myself

I remember
when you laughed when I tried

I absolutely believe in god
because I’ve experienced the devil
and he lies
in every inch of you
Jul 2013 · 421
sad
Emily Mackenzie Jul 2013
sad
happy is
what happy does
but I just don't know
what happiness is
anymore
Jun 2013 · 559
I refuse
Emily Mackenzie Jun 2013
I refuse to come second
to someone so repellant and small
and I refuse to be told
I will never stand tall

I refuse to let him
push me around
and I refuse to feed his smile
with my poor, pathetic frowns

I refuse for you to stand
and think it's okay
and I refuse for you to see
me any other day

I refuse this friendship
and I refuse this home
what I ever saw in you
will become unknown

but you don't refuse
you pick and you choose
so it shouldn't be news
that I give up
Jun 2013 · 451
little lady
Emily Mackenzie Jun 2013
I cannot got a day or so
without thinking of the monster within
she likes to come and play with me
and thank me for my sins

she thanks me for forgetting you
and thanks me for my slashes
she thanks me for keeping her alive
with all my fatal crashes

“thank you for cutting deep” she says
“thank you for yelling, too
your friends will not forgive you now
it’ll just be me and you”

yes her and I will always be
together standing strong
my quiet little demon
who I always drag along

she says she’s glad I’m feeling sick
she’s glad I’m doing bad
“this is good for you and I
I’m only here when you’re sad”

she tells the truth, I know it’s true
this dark demon of mine
her name is lady depression
she’s around from time-to-time

when I feel very low
she shows up at my door
with razor blades and hand grenades
ready for much more

she encourages me to stop eating
yes, she’ll take my plate away
she kindly holds and cleans my blades
while I prepare my veins

if I begin to feel alright
if I begin to feel okay
she becomes sick and sad
and starts to fade away

for little lady only stays
when weak minds are unwell
you need to feel big and strong
to get her to dispel

I know you like to live with me
and love to give me flack
but I need you to leave forever
**please do not come back
Jun 2013 · 1.5k
blame
Emily Mackenzie Jun 2013
i've always wondered
is denial fun?
do you not consider my feelings?
do you think that I have none?

placing the blame on others
no responsibility for yourself
you may feel high-powered
but you stunt my health

you stunt my growth of social skills
you stunt my mouth of smiles
you stunt my heart from growing strong
when it's already so fragile

your innocence is nothing to you
but it's the world to everyone else
my feelings will never be considered
you will never care for my health

so it's okay, I've come to learn
that you are not for me
I'll remember how you've made me feel
I'll keep this feeling deep

deep down inside my twisted mind
deep down below my soul
deep down to the bottom of my heart
where you have left a hole

a hole where love used to lie
a hole that once was full
a hole where you respected me
and wouldn't let me go
Jun 2013 · 289
Untitled
Emily Mackenzie Jun 2013
don't be concerned
that I'm cutting again
be concerned
that I can't feel the blade
Jun 2013 · 415
the unmasked message
Emily Mackenzie Jun 2013
Sacrilegious thoughts fill my
Unusually sick mind, and
I** don't care be-
Cause
I will
Die
Eventually
Jun 2013 · 464
trimming derma(10w)
Emily Mackenzie Jun 2013
four
facecloths
swamped
with
blood


I

really

hope

you're

hap­py
I wish you would stop saying these things to me.
Jun 2013 · 426
if eric could feel
Emily Mackenzie Jun 2013
there's no better feeling
than to know someone has broken their skin
because you've broken your vow

there's no better feeling
than to know someone's lunch has left their mouth
because you've opened yours

there's no better feeling
than to know that someone is on medication
because you didn't take yours

there's no better feeling
than to know you've cracked a heart
because yours is already in two

there's no better feeling
than to know you've ruined a friendship
because you don't have a friend of your own

there's no better feeling
than to live a life that's so hateful
because you cannot have love
and will never love
I hate you eric. I hate you.
Jun 2013 · 382
e.g.
Emily Mackenzie Jun 2013
because no,
he didn't do anything wrong

and no,
he can't do anything wrong

and no,
he'll never do anything wrong

and you're never going to see
what he's done to me
or what he'll do to you
in the future

I'll stop
I'll stop fighting
I'll stop fighting for always

and I hope
that when you're kissing him
and wanting him
and loving him
he fills up the hole I make
when I leave
for good
Jun 2013 · 422
Untitled
Emily Mackenzie Jun 2013
when the ****
am I going to come first
when are you going to put me first
when are you going to put my feelings above his
when are my emotions going to matter
please tell me today
if it's now or never
for I need all the time in the world
to heal
Jun 2013 · 362
krista
Emily Mackenzie Jun 2013
I can't believe you're defending him
I can't believe you're acting like this is okay
I can't believe you're going to let this happen
I can't believe you're going to lose me

I thought you were my ******* friend
Emily Mackenzie Apr 2013
but
I
am
still
very sad
very sad
very sad
Apr 2013 · 2.2k
the grown up boogeyman
Emily Mackenzie Apr 2013
they say
when we grow up
our demons
will fade away

but how come
as I grow up
all the monsters
and the scary bits
are becoming bigger
and as malicious as ever

how come
as I grow up
the devils find comfort
in the piteous chaos
that is my life

how come
the boogeyman
created a nook
under my pillow
and continues to stay
for as long as he wants

he tells me
there is no use
being afraid of the dark
for he will still be with me
even in the light
Apr 2013 · 798
labels and secrets
Emily Mackenzie Apr 2013
I will never stop kissing you
for I'd rather be labeled
a *****
or ****
or *****
than a ******

by kissing you
I am disabling the ability
to let my secrets loose
and enabling the potential
to stay hidden
for a long time
Apr 2013 · 477
white
Emily Mackenzie Apr 2013
they buried her in white
seventy years
before her time
was supposed to be up

they buried her in white
for they thought she was pure
pure in her mind
pure in her heart

they buried her in white
to disguise and distract
from the bruises and cuts
that stuck to her body
like tattoos

they buried her in white
but beneath the white
were the colours of her life

her heart was blue
her lips were purple
her eyes were black
and her wrists were red

they buried her in white
to preserve the little girl
they used to know
while trying to accept
the big girl
she'd never grow up to be
Apr 2013 · 499
kt
Emily Mackenzie Apr 2013
kt
I remember
when you used to call

I remember
when you stopped

I remember
when I became funny

I remember
when you didn't let it go

I remember
when you turned

I remember
when you told me to **** myself

I remember
when you laughed when I tried

I absolutely believe in god
because I've experienced
the devil
Apr 2013 · 369
drunk writing
Emily Mackenzie Apr 2013
I wish
i was good enough for you

I wish
I didn't have to drink
to be normal

I wish
medication was a cure
and not a crutch

I wish
you loved me
the way i love you
Writing drunk, editing sober. This is really garbage but oh well
Mar 2013 · 662
re: emily dickinson
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
he held my hand
and he told me I was beautiful
he laid his frozen fragile hand
upon mine
allowing the melancholia
to crumble

he became my shelter
my safety,
my whole

he became my soundness,
my wisdom,
my home

and he came to guide my frame
causing my eyelids
to shut

and he told me we’d do this together

two taps
from a single silver spear
to each wrist was applied
he helped me
to make my truth
fade away
Mar 2013 · 619
my life is a wreck
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
my life is a wreck
a paralyzing car wreck

you are the tree
that came from nowhere
causing me to swerve
into this depression

though the crash was quick,
the recovery will not be
and I will never be able
to walk freely
again

the cuts that line my body from the crash
stem from the shattered glass
made of shattered dreams
and malevolent words
that i'll never forget

my airbags come in a small pill bottle
and though they do not cushion my head,
they cushion the blow
of the destruction

my seat belt is his arms
gripped tighter than a buckle
and stronger than any nylon
that would be designed to save my life

I become lightheaded easily
from exposure to the smoke inhalation
more commonly known as
anxiety

**my life is
an absolute wreck
Mar 2013 · 429
physically broken
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
I break my legs
and feel nothing
for my nerves are shot
and always will be

I break my ribs
and feel nothing
for my heart is shattered
and cannot be repaired

I crack my skull
and feel nothing
for my brain is sick
and broken

I live without physical pain
for I can't feel anything
at all anymore
Mar 2013 · 229
Untitled
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
i'm still falling

still falling

still

falling

always falling
Mar 2013 · 2.3k
cosmetic countenance
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
at the end of the day she removes her shield
and all that's left
is a **** face
with a broken heart
and shattered dreams
and even though
she can cry freely
without the burden
of running black and blue eyes
she doesn't
because even without her disguise
she still acts
as if the veil was never removed
Mar 2013 · 2.1k
idiom 2
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
if I had a taste of my own medicine
i’d overdose
Mar 2013 · 335
10w
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
10w
"I can't do this"

cry

me

a

mother

*******

river
If you deal with mental illness, you'll understand
Mar 2013 · 372
they say
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
the grass is greener
the world keeps turning
things will get better

they say
the sky is the limit
and we are constantly learning
the name of God is written in flowers

they say
it’s better to be loved than lost
to mark your heart with a cross
and to never let your dreams fade away

but without you
not one is true
for my world revolves
around you
Mar 2013 · 1.9k
idiom
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
any way you slice it
it's still my wrist
Mar 2013 · 771
birthday
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
all the waxy candles in the world
couldn't give back
what you've taken from me
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
It’s a funny thing, being alone,
you still breathe and beat and heal,
your physical senses go nowhere,
yet you loose your sense to feel.

You begin to lose your empathy,
become apathetic and sad,
because you realize you will never fall,
and you start to look ahead

You see, girls like us plainly­ weren’t made
for the diamond ring or rose,
as much as we try to hope and dream,
deep down inside we know

we were not made to be dressed in white,
not formed to walk down the aisle,
we did not prepare our fathers
to stifle their tears with smiles.

Yet we try to get around this truth,
accept our ignorance as bliss,
but deep inside we know, we know,
this is truly it

so we pack our bags and say our prayers,
and try to fall asleep,
tossing and turning with anxiety,
dreading the next disappointment we meet

It’s a funny thing, being alone,
you being to fade away,
you life loses it’s colour,
you world turns to grey

Since we cannot achieve that loveliness,
our hearts will never soar above,
we begin to accept our loneliness,
**there is no such thing as love
Mar 2013 · 2.7k
mental illness
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
first
you ignore your medication
to feel healthy

then
you break hearts
to make yours mend

soon
you smoke your cigars
to breathe easy

but not until after
you empty your stomach
to feel full

before you know it
you're slitting your skin
to patch yourself up

eventually
you **** yourself
to feel alive

and
you smile
to hide the sadness
that never goes away

self-destruction
is the only non-destructive thing I know
for it keeps me alive
while driving me insane
Mar 2013 · 426
i am a failure
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
a failure and a breakdown are not the same thing
for a breakdown can be put back together
yet I never can be
Mar 2013 · 3.6k
anchor
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
I am an anchor.

I will hold you back.

I will pull you down.

I will prevent you from rising.

I will shatter, spoil;

*******, scuttle;

break and devastate;

for I am an anchor,

and anchors weigh you down.
Mar 2013 · 796
break faith
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
It’s hard to feel at home
when such a place doesn’t exist.
I’m merely trapped between four walls
who’s lack of meaning rings from panel to panel.

No shelter, refuge or hospice will suffice
or they lack the comfort
that is necessary
to feel okay.

I’ve lost all sense of familiarity
for even the back of my hand
has betrayed me
more times than I can count.
Mar 2013 · 268
they
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
they always ask
whats in a name
but they never ask
who you are
or what you mean
or what you stand for

they never ask
if your smile is real
or if you see the light
or if you’re starting to heal

they never ask
if you’re okay
or if you’re even breathing
or even living

and it’s sad
because most of the time
you’re not
Mar 2013 · 441
toxic
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
Do not pull me through the rain
for I will rust.

Do not drag me through the dirt
for I will soil.

Do not tow me down the road
for I will chip.

Do not try to save me,
for I will break
and you will be left
to pick up the pieces.
Mar 2013 · 462
Untitled
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
when she was born
she was loved
and innocent
so with
two kisses
from each parent
she was welcomed
to the world

when she was six
she determined her life
and wanted to be a doctor
so with
two brisk flicks
of her crayon-clamped hand
she wrote down
her ambition

when she was thirteen
she tried to grow up
and wanted to feel accepted
so with
two quick puffs
from a marlboro smoke
she coughed
for the first time

when she was fifteen
she was oppressed
and wanted to feel beautiful
so with
two swift beats to the throat
from a used toothbrush
she lost
those extra pounds

when she was 18
she was hurt
for the last and final time
so with
two quick taps on the wrist
from a silver spear
her truth
faded away
Mar 2013 · 328
9:48
Emily Mackenzie Mar 2013
the fake plants died
for I did not water them

the plastic fruit rotted
for I let it go to waste

the false fire cooled
for I never let its warmth hug me

the forced smile faded
for I lost the will to try

the cracked heart fell apart
for the bond became unhinged

I’ve learned
one does not need to be alive
to feel numb

— The End —