While you sit across from me,
bound in your wheelchair,
you watch the race,
like every Sunday afternoon.
The late-day sun streams
through the glass door,
dancing off every word i don't say.
My silent gaze wanders outside,
as i recall the days when
trivial concerns plagued my
juvenile mind.
Can i play on the beach today,
i would ask my mother,
blissfully unaware that
Life held greater worries.
Now, my burning question
hangs, reserved,
for i dread its assuredly
lethal response,
yet i know and you know
that your end crawls closer,
fearless of what it will
Forever take away.

screaming in a crowded room,
no one hears.

sinking in a bitter sea,
no one looks.

slamming on a wooden door,
no one shows.

standing in the pouring rain,
not a single one stops.

heart shattering,
lungs collapsing.

sleep a stranger
for weeks,
weeks.

whoever said time heals anything?
they lie.

soaking the pillowcase
beneath my cheek,
tears spill over-

sobs never cease,
wont let up for
weeks.

pain lingers behind
my forced smile,

as the
world

slips
              away

you see, i'm fine and you're fine
you keep minding your life
and i'll keep minding mine,
except sometimes, only it feels like
all the time
for me, the sun won't shine;
even when it shines
it doesn't shine in my eyes
and i don't know why-
i don't know why
no matter how hard i try
i can't define what's making me cry,
can't understand why the pain
inside abides, but it hides
and no matter how much i lie and lie
to you on the outside,
fake my smiles, my happiness,
deep down i can't deny
the depression.
i don't know why it hurts all the time
all i want to do is
get high
say goodbye
resign,
escape somehow and
find my cloud nine.
i can't climb out of this
decline of my life;
i'm done with the gray skies, wet eyes,
lack of laugh lines.
i hate to see you standing on the sideline,
always nearby,
but now matter how much you try,
you can't provide, can't supply
what's missing in my life
because i can't reply;
i'm tongue-tied and i don't know why.
i'm coming untied,
slipping through the divide,
one piece at a time,
silently screaming
i never chose this hopeless ride,
please forgive me for
wanting to die-
the pain
just won't
subside.

Layer after crusty layer
sloughs away,
revealing the truth under a
painted semblance of
confidence-

Out there is
scary, and i am

Alone.

Alone on my
leaf of a home, when a
tornado, hurricane, cyclone
blows in, halts the
tranquil silence of
my world.

Or was it just a
man with a leaf blower?

This can't be Kansas,
Dorothy.

Step by
microscopic
Step.

Searching, I am
Always searching,
And needing;
Searching, but not
Finding.

I come up
E m p t y
Time

after


Time.

Egg laid;
A brand new
Start
To a seasoned
Cycle.

A whole new
Everything,
If I could
Just
Break through this
Tough exterior.

Fear remains
undiscovered
For a
Moment,
But this won't
Last;

Blissful Ignorance
Innocence
Never Lasts.

they
settle a lonely haze over the
whole day
and this is when i miss you the most, when i
remember the warmth of your arms
fit snug around my body, the way my
head nestles a niche in your shoulder and your
flannel feels soft against my skin.

it's too bad we
lost our chance, but not
we-
me, really.
i scared you and
you ran, no matter what you
say. your assurance before
well, you
just didn't know what you were
committing to, did you?

except
i never held it to you,
never expected much
but, but what?
much was too much based on the
standards in your own head?

it doesn't matter that it's
too late (it's always too late) it's just that
it could've been good, could've been
exactly what you used to want and
exactly what you showed me
i could've had.

but you got afraid and we
lost our chance.

days like today i miss you,
want nothing but to crawl into
your bed, drift away next to
you while the rain falls all day and
into the night.