You kissed away the scratches,
turned them into rose petals.

You are the vibrations;
deep blues
orange saturations
feathered red
drips of copper
yellow strands
charcoal shadow of the sea
river in my veins.

You taught me the sky

The sea

And how hot a fire can burn.

I still feel
Feel
Feel you
In my head
Like a pounding that won't quit
I want you more than time

and there is no shortness

of that.

still...

Addiction is tricky.

A man who quit smoking for 11 years may only spend 15 seconds in an elevator with a man who had just finished a cigarette outside.

But yet, he gave in.

What I’m trying to say is,
I think I love you again.
Did I ever really stop?

Have you ever felt a love so true
it was almost painful?
A feeling a bliss so strong you almost can't breathe.
I want it all back.
Every moment, every kiss, every touch.

We were safe together,
alone.
I felt warmth and butterflies throughout my body.
We melded together perfectly,
comfortably, entangled in lust.

And in one instant,
moments of perfect harmony disappeared.
I watched as you slipped from my fingers.
The world darkened,
and I crumbled.

I laid the same way we did.
But this time I felt no warmth,
I felt cold sharp air against me.
And so I let the poison run through my blood,
and my own lethal lie left me to die.

"I'm scared to leave..
but I can't return
home."

I would have tried to stop you.
but would you have let me stop you?

This is all straight *******.

It was not a selfish act
kissing that semi,
and I accept that.

What I do not accept,
is that I feel I could have done
something.

You turned very quickly from a boy to a man.
Caring for your sisters, being a father figure.
Jenny wasn't there, wasn't the mother she needed to be.
And she still isn't.

Whose fault is it?

I NEED SOMEONE TO BLAME.

Taking your own life can't just be passed off.

I am so happy you are at peace,
but what I fear is what you left behind.

The littles are helpless,
trapped by her, this.

How do I help them escape?

Is there a way?

I can only imagine what pushed you to your limit.
I wish I could have told you I struggle with the same feelings.
I wonder, could it have stopped you?

Is it better you being dead?
…is that an inappropriate question to ask?

I miss you, brother.

I was just learning to forget about you.
I had found someone.
A great someone.
Now all of a sudden you want me and I don't know what to do.
Who to choose.
Your timing is
impecable.

Out of all the people
it's you.
I feel like I regret it
more than I should.

we are completely different.
I'm talking polar opposites.
So I guess its true what they say,
about opposites attracting.
Because I am completely attracted to you,
and I think you are to me.

i sit and wait
wait for a spark
wait for my mind to catch fire on an idea

just like a puddle of gasoline when it catches fire
my thoughts light up
my mind gets engulfed in a phrase
and i write from that phrase
i dont have to think or wait for more words to come
it just flows
comes out naturally

it will happen at the most unexpected times
on a bus
in between classes
or in a dream

but when a phrase comes into my mind
i cant let go
it pushes me to write
to take it and make it a story

just in this instant
my mind caught fire
i put my pen to paper
and let go

drained my mind of flooded thoughts
and got this
this is how i write
unexpectedly, without reason

i just wait
and leave my mind open to the world
to different ideas
to people's conversations
because a word will come, or a phrase
and i will write

all you do is judge her
leave her alone
she is not you
none of us are you
we are our own people
leave us be
we are who we want to be
we make our own decisions
it is our life
our body

the river is calm
until you come home
you are the pebble that creates ripples
but its not your fault
you are pushed to that point
but why are you leaving
why are you always leaving
because when you walk out that door
your not just leaving the house
you are leave me
and I hate that
I hate you for leaving me
I just hate everything about your visits
because when you come,
you always leave.

take a breath
pour a pitcher of water
let it fill you up
expand every part of you
exhale
let it retract
shrink yourself

i wanted you to stay my secret
if i were to let you out
you would disappear
but i did let you out
you did disappeared
and i no longer have you all to myself
just a little speck
just one out of seven million

im craving something
amatory
it takes over my being
if you help me so kindly
i will return the favor

I want you
Now
Is it to late
Do you want me anymore?
It scares me
Having these feelings for you
I haven't felt like this
For someone like you, in a while
I don't know if I truly want you
Or just want someone there
To comfort me
Be my rock
I want to be a fair to you
But I don't know how to be
Do I like you
Or do I like the idea of you
The idea of being in a relationship
With you
I can't get you off of my mind

i felt cold
without someone there
without you there
so i found someone
a random
to make myself feel better
to forget
or at least
to try
now im here
alone
cold
and still without you

im loosing it
you
us
were we even an us
i thought so
where have you gone
i have been
replaced
you mean more to me
that i do to you
i want to give you everything
but no
you dont see
understand
this is more than a friendship
for me
i want us
together
i love you
come back
please
i need you
what
do
i
do
i cant be alone

something you would never imagine happening to you
happens
you never thought it would ever matter to you
what other people say
think
whisper
but when its part of who you are
and people try and say they know you
understand it?
when they don't
judge it?
you don't know me
who i am
what i go through
what my back round is
we live in a world of judgement
i dont have control over it
neither do you
dont make assumptions about who i am
without knowing me
it hurts to get pushed into something
releasing something of yourself
that you might not realize yourself completely
it got taken out of me
almost like my entire life being put on display
did i ever think it would happen
no
did it
yes
i am proud of who i am
that doesnt give you the right to push me to a place im not at yet
a place i dont feel comfortable yet
a small little comment
travled your world in one night
you all know me
as a build board sign
not as who i am
you pushed me there
to that point
im out

I see you sitting there
That look on your face
The look that says
"fix me. make me feel better"
If I could
I would
I would get up
walk over to you
Take your face in my hands and make it all better
But that would ruin everything
But would it
I let my mind go in circles thinking about it
To love you
or to not love you
Like a little kid picking the petals off a flower
As if that one small flower can tell
Can tell you that that person
that makes you go higher than any piece of grass
loves you or doesnt
but the tiniest fear
that the person that makes you heat up in that one spot
that no one else has even had an affect on
is what makes me sit back down
and i comfort you from a far
hoping that one day
you might give a hint that i heat that spot up for you
but i have little faith

I think back to that day
The day everyone thinks they understand
When we were safe together
alone
We melded together perfectly
comfortably
And just like that instant
that moment of perfect harmony
I watched as you slipped from my fingers
The world darkened
and I crumbled
I laid the same way we did
But this time I felt no warmth
I felt cold sharp air against me
And just like I thought I knew you
Everyone thinks they know us
But they don't
All of that warmth and symmetry
was  the only thing i had left
And when you left me there alone
I knew it was all a lie
But was it your lie
or was this all a figure of my imagination
that I started
with my own lethal lie

The thought consumes my mind
America would rather remain voiceless
Than fight for humans who have their rights stolen
It all roots from a fear, and ignorance
Of what people don’t know, understand
When the hate gets so strong, some would rather die
Than be who they are
A law is one thing, it can be changed
But it wont change us, we have to change us
There is no difference between my brother and his wife and my sister and her wife
Why does it matter to you, who I am
We are who we are, we are the same
The difference between you and me is you judge me because of what you don’t understand