There is always a mystery about the window on the end of this side of my building. Some new thing every night I walk past. The flicker of a computer; maybe a sign of a lonely attempt at entertainment, or maybe a movie being played for two. There is sometimes a warm, distant glow emitted, perhaps from the bathroom, that disappears shortly after its birth. Often, music leaks out, seeping into my unwilling ears.
     Tonight I see the window is open. The brisk night air is invited inside as an old friend would be. Maybe your body grew too warm lying under your red blanket.  The air was never too cold with our bodies touching, yet it is too much for my bare arms now standing outside. I shiver. The blinds softly dance in and out of the window, and I wish it were I intruding once again.
     The blinds are being drawn up. The window is being closed. The nights are growing colder, and I think the breeze proved too cool for your lonely body. Or maybe it was too much for the new body entwined with yours. I want to walk a little farther, to glance inside and end the mystery of the window on the end. To see, if only for a moment, the hands that are working to close up that room from the world. Just a few more shuffles from my frozen, burning feet. But I cannot force myself to walk that far. I would rather continue dreaming from the outside of that ****** window, than to know that there is another me living inside.

My heart and my every breath are entwined in your motions.
One swift move and I am spinning, sputtering, seasick from your lack of loving.
You flicked me like a smoldering cigarette ****, now I'm drowning in my *****.

I should have stayed far away from you.
I recognized the magic you were capable of.
The gleam you put in my eye was a poisonous lie.
Every night you held me could have been the last, if you only wished it.
I remember your fingertips tracing my skin and my mind fills with spiders crawling over my flesh.
My lips recall yours, sweet and warm, and my mind sinks to times I was sick with wine.
Your strong embrace is now a prison in my head, entrapping me in your steel, hard arms.
Every word you spoke lured me farther from my sanctuary out into the cruel open world.
And you pounced.

Forgiven, such a strange emotion.
Can I release the anger, the hurt?
Is it fair to give that back to the world, when it was all meant for me?
Can I just let it go.. let you go.. so you are forgiven?
Is trying futile?
Will I feel free after freeing my heart from the feelings you gave me?
So much pain; the confusion alone crushed me.
Why did I deserve the treatment I received from someone who was supposed to care so much?
Why am I still full of so many questions?
I miss the nights fireside, burning up all over even after I drifted away from the heat of the fire.
I miss the hot breath and the opened hearts.
I still feel the impact, the importance, of the secrets shared.
I long for the comfort of your understanding.
But forgiven?
It still hurts. I still ache.
I will hold this with me always, I will take the weight.
You are free.
You are forgiven.

I want you to get on my nerves
To call me a "*******" and tell me you hate me
Just because you know it annoys me
I want you to push my buttons and test my patience
I want to be frustrated
I want to loose my temper and want to rip my hair out
I want to argue with you until we both have to go to separate rooms
I want to be so disgusted with you that I scream
If I still had those moments, I would still have you
You rolling over and cuddling me in the night
You waking up with the sweetest grin
Your eyes, so soft and inviting
Your love so strong it intoxicated me
Your hug that felt forever long
If only it was really forever, if only.

Your morning breath could beat all others
Even on ogre who never knew toothpaste
It would make me want to turn my head and wretch
I used to dread waking up before you
I would have to lay there and endure this torture until you awakened
But now, I know how lucky I was
How lucky to be able to smell your morning  breath every morning
To wake up to you, to the sweet bacteria that grew in your mouth all night
I would kiss you now, kiss you till my face turned purple
Though my eyes would water and my stomach would turn
I would smell your morning breath night and day
Just to have all of you back
Never again will that sweet, sour stench pass my ungrateful nostrils
And I miss it
I miss you
Even the smell of your stinky morning breath

Endless touch coming from your finger tips
I feel it every night
Soft and slow
So passionate
It engulfs my body in flames
While giving me chills to the bone
I shiver and sweat and move closer to you
To your touch
Your one touch that will drive me crazy forever
One touch that will satisfy me
And comfort me
One memory of a touch long ago
Because your fingertips now touch the darkness engulfing you
As the memory of your touch engulfs me

"Go home," you said
You didn't think twice
Home is just another word in your vocabulary
Home is mom and dad
Home is where the heart is
Just another word
But it isn't
There is so much meaning
In those four letters
I think on it
And I wonder
Where is my home?
Where do I get that warm, comfortable feeling
Of being surrounded by loved ones
Filled with love
Laughing freely
Home, where you climb in bed and dream
Sweet dreams
But not before the Monster Spray
To protect your innocence
Wake up and feel safe
Home, where you fit in
And you have no fears
No insecurities
I have no such place
So where, exactly, do you suggest
That I go
When you so rudely, so absentmindedly
Demand that I "Go home"

Heart is soaring
Grin could lift a mountain
Laughter warped into a beautiful melody
Bodies so warm, so soft
The sweet smell of your movements
The gleam in your eyes when you glance my way
Looking each other over
Not missing an inch
Softly tracing every outline of you
Your lips, your ears, your shoulders
All the way down your strong back
Kisses in every place
Shuddering from your fingers brushing against me
Yet I push
I keep my distance
Because I know these things are what I'll think of
When I'm laying in bed
With my face buried in my pillow
Crying and aching and hurting over you
I'll think of your touch
I'll remember your kiss
I'll long for your warmth and the smell of your hot breath
I have to keep the hurt down
Because I know that every lovely thing about this will hurt

Don't breathe.
Don't do it.
I know it burns, deep inside your lungs.
I know the tears are pushing, so intent on escaping your weak little eyes.
I know the cries are becoming too sharp, too desperate to hold in.
I know it's hard.
I know it hurts.
I know.

Don't breathe.
Don't do it.
They will hear you.
They will know you lost, you gave in.
They will ask you why you are upset, as if they don't know.
They will look at you with their caring eyes and bore holes into you.
They will crush you.
They will.

Don't breathe.
Don't do it.
Breathing will make your head spin out of control.
Head as light as baby's black balloon.
The reality will set in, and you will know this is real.
There will be no escape from the paralyzing pain coursing through your body.
The world will start caving in on you, and the world is so heavy.
You will be pushed and pulled in so many directions at the same time.

Don't breathe.
Don't do it.
Your brain will eventually stop thinking, your heart will forget the hurt.
Your dreams will start to form again, they will bring you back.
Your body will not cry out any more.
So just don't breathe.
Not now, not yet.
Don't do it.

You don't know, do you?
The effect you had on me.
The lasting impression.
You were my world.
My screaming, scared under the blankets, nervous to talk, don't want to be here world.
My head spinning and spinning and spinning so dizzy with fear world.
My unsafe, brittle, chaotic world.
My unpredictable world.
My ******, inescapable little world.
You were my nightmares.
You were my fears.
And yet I had to take comfort in you.
I had to be safe with you.
I had no choice but to find a sliver of happiness and fun in your fights and your tantrums.
To take the rare smile and laugh and run with it.
Save it as a memory I could replay over and over in my head
To make up for the years without.
My world was shattered, yet I had to find a way
To look into the shards of glass and find something
Anything
That would make sense.
I had to tiptoe around the jagged pieces, hoping not to trip and cut myself.
I had to dance around the broken glass and survive.
But I had to keep dancing.
And you never knew, did you?

Broken
Everything is broken
My lungs wont fill with air
My eyes wont cry
My heart
My heart is full to bursting
Full of an ocean of salty waves crashing up and down and sideways and all over
So heavy
So swishy, swirly, salty
Makes me dizzy
My brain wont take oxygen
I get light headed and I cant see straight
Broken
I'm so broken
And it's not that I can't feel, can't love, can't be happy
It's that I don't want to
I have no desire to
You aren't here
No more laugh
Crazy silly funny laugh
No more hugs
Long warm hugs
No more kisses
Soft, sweet, sensual kisses
Oh, your kisses
No more you
Your brain
Your imagination, your humor
Your sarcastic ******* remarks trying to hide your sweet, sweet love
Oh, your love
No more love, not from you
So I don't want to love
To be happy
To have warmth and smiles and joy flowing through my heart
I want the waves
The heavy, crashing waves that carry the weight of the world
Can't breathe
Can't cry
Can't laugh
Can't even be truly sad
Not without you
Because it was me who left
Not you
When I fell, I got up and ran
I didn't let you hold me
Kiss me
Hug me
Calm the waves in my heart
I just left
So no, I don't want anything but the heavy, crashing waves trying to break through my chest and start my breathing back, but always failing, always trapped inside my thick, stupid, beating, drowning heart
My heart
Broken