"Go home," you said
You didn't think twice
Home is just another word in your vocabulary
Home is mom and dad
Home is where the heart is
Just another word
But it isn't
There is so much meaning
In those four letters
I think on it
And I wonder
Where is my home?
Where do I get that warm, comfortable feeling
Of being surrounded by loved ones
Filled with love
Laughing freely
Home, where you climb in bed and dream
Sweet dreams
But not before the Monster Spray
To protect your innocence
Wake up and feel safe
Home, where you fit in
And you have no fears
No insecurities
I have no such place
So where, exactly, do you suggest
That I go
When you so rudely, so absentmindedly
Demand that I "Go home"

Heart is soaring
Grin could lift a mountain
Laughter warped into a beautiful melody
Bodies so warm, so soft
The sweet smell of your movements
The gleam in your eyes when you glance my way
Looking each other over
Not missing an inch
Softly tracing every outline of you
Your lips, your ears, your shoulders
All the way down your strong back
Kisses in every place
Shuddering from your fingers brushing against me
Yet I push
I keep my distance
Because I know these things are what I'll think of
When I'm laying in bed
With my face buried in my pillow
Crying and aching and hurting over you
I'll think of your touch
I'll remember your kiss
I'll long for your warmth and the smell of your hot breath
I have to keep the hurt down
Because I know that every lovely thing about this will hurt

Don't breathe.
Don't do it.
I know it burns, deep inside your lungs.
I know the tears are pushing, so intent on escaping your weak little eyes.
I know the cries are becoming too sharp, too desperate to hold in.
I know it's hard.
I know it hurts.
I know.

Don't breathe.
Don't do it.
They will hear you.
They will know you lost, you gave in.
They will ask you why you are upset, as if they don't know.
They will look at you with their caring eyes and bore holes into you.
They will crush you.
They will.

Don't breathe.
Don't do it.
Breathing will make your head spin out of control.
Head as light as baby's black balloon.
The reality will set in, and you will know this is real.
There will be no escape from the paralyzing pain coursing through your body.
The world will start caving in on you, and the world is so heavy.
You will be pushed and pulled in so many directions at the same time.

Don't breathe.
Don't do it.
Your brain will eventually stop thinking, your heart will forget the hurt.
Your dreams will start to form again, they will bring you back.
Your body will not cry out any more.
So just don't breathe.
Not now, not yet.
Don't do it.

You don't know, do you?
The effect you had on me.
The lasting impression.
You were my world.
My screaming, scared under the blankets, nervous to talk, don't want to be here world.
My head spinning and spinning and spinning so dizzy with fear world.
My unsafe, brittle, chaotic world.
My unpredictable world.
My ******, inescapable little world.
You were my nightmares.
You were my fears.
And yet I had to take comfort in you.
I had to be safe with you.
I had no choice but to find a sliver of happiness and fun in your fights and your tantrums.
To take the rare smile and laugh and run with it.
Save it as a memory I could replay over and over in my head
To make up for the years without.
My world was shattered, yet I had to find a way
To look into the shards of glass and find something
Anything
That would make sense.
I had to tiptoe around the jagged pieces, hoping not to trip and cut myself.
I had to dance around the broken glass and survive.
But I had to keep dancing.
And you never knew, did you?

Broken
Everything is broken
My lungs wont fill with air
My eyes wont cry
My heart
My heart is full to bursting
Full of an ocean of salty waves crashing up and down and sideways and all over
So heavy
So swishy, swirly, salty
Makes me dizzy
My brain wont take oxygen
I get light headed and I cant see straight
Broken
I'm so broken
And it's not that I can't feel, can't love, can't be happy
It's that I don't want to
I have no desire to
You aren't here
No more laugh
Crazy silly funny laugh
No more hugs
Long warm hugs
No more kisses
Soft, sweet, sensual kisses
Oh, your kisses
No more you
Your brain
Your imagination, your humor
Your sarcastic ******* remarks trying to hide your sweet, sweet love
Oh, your love
No more love, not from you
So I don't want to love
To be happy
To have warmth and smiles and joy flowing through my heart
I want the waves
The heavy, crashing waves that carry the weight of the world
Can't breathe
Can't cry
Can't laugh
Can't even be truly sad
Not without you
Because it was me who left
Not you
When I fell, I got up and ran
I didn't let you hold me
Kiss me
Hug me
Calm the waves in my heart
I just left
So no, I don't want anything but the heavy, crashing waves trying to break through my chest and start my breathing back, but always failing, always trapped inside my thick, stupid, beating, drowning heart
My heart
Broken