Deutschland
So many countries
der Deutsche die Deutsche
So viele Nationalitäten

All meant for memorization
Großbritannien
as if
der Brite die Britin
students are
Schottland
Robots
der Schotte die Schottin

But hey
die Schweiz
at least
der Schweizer die Schweizerin
I now know
Luxemburg
them all
der Luxemburger die Luxemburgerin
in German.

I'm slowly breaking

tearing apart

unrepairable

like a spinal chord

torn in two.

I am strong.
Independent
Empowered, some might say.

I can do anything
anything I want to
anything I need to.

Until it comes to you.

Then,
I am weak.
Dependent
Needing to be with you every moment

I can do anything
anything you want to
anything you need to.

I am my own person.
Until it comes to you.

Why can't I talk to you
without my throat
closing in?

Why can't I look at you
without my stomach
clenching up?

How can I love you
with every fibre
of my being?

When we've only spoken a handful of times?

Why?

Because I love you,

and for reasons unknown,

You love me, too.

to hold you in my arms
as you cry
about how sick you are

to kiss you
as you complain about
the torn ligament
you keep dancing on.

to prove you wrong
when you answer
"pssh"
to every "you're perfect"

to have you
as my own
forever.

It was just once.
The smoldering hot metal pressed to my arm’s blank canvas.
It was just once,
but **** it felt good.

It was just once.
The same piece of metal
causing my sensitive skin to blister.

Never again, though.

It was just once.
That I dragged the blunt blade across my leg
making barely a mark.

It was just once.

but really…

Just once is all it takes.

Every second
of every day

I feel it.

The pulling
no.
The yanking

of you from my life.

Oh how much it hurts
to see you so far away
when the closeness was once so familiar.

It’ s not my choice
nor my fault.

but I wish I could make you see
The pain it’s bringing unto me.

I think I’ll call you
Schmetterling
For you are
beautiful
but shy
small
but strong
bold
but quiet
I think I’ll call you
Schmetterling
my beautiful
butterfly.

I can't say
that I know what it's like
to have a parent who doesn't love you
because from the day I was birthed
I've been loved

But I promise you
that you have
friends
and a sister
and me
whose love for you burns
brighter than the sun

And that's better than
your sad excuses for parents
could ever do.