nostalgia is a weird thing
you use a new soap
maybe it’s not such a new soap
because the smell reminds you of the past
reminds you of a time when you didn’t think about him
you didn’t even know him
reminds you of a time when that didn’t stress you out
nothing stressed you out
a scent brings back memories of a simpler time

If you walk into my room
and you are overwhelmed by the sauna-like heat,
I am probably in a bad mood.
My heater calms me.
If you walk in my room and you hear Glen Hansard’s voice on the Once soundtrack (most likely on repeat),
I am probably in a bad mood.
Music calms me.  
If you walk in and see me cuddled under covers in sweats and a sweatshirt in the corner of my bed with my stuffed monkey I got three summers ago,
I am probably in a bad mood.  
Comfort calms me.
I will try to help myself.
I will try to distract myself from what is bothering me.
I will not let this beat me.

My mom teaches 3rd grade
She teaches these 8 year olds about acute angles and obtuse angles and the first presidents of the United States of America and things that will not help them when they are 17 and and are told to make a decision
They’ve never made a decision and they don’t even know the meaning of the word repercussions because they’ve never had any
They can tell you how many syllables are in the word and maybe how to spell it and they can probably identify it on a multiple choice test but ask them to analyze how their decisions affect others and how it affects their own life and how one thing relates to another and watch their faces drop

Students are taught from the age of 5 that if they do well in school and pay attention and stay respectful and do what they’re told that they will be fine And students grow up and some believe that
Some live their whole lives believing that
And some realize that is complete and utter *******
Some realize the reality that is the hypocrisy of our system
You go to school for so many years and you do everything “right” and maybe you make a few mistakes but then you go to college and you spend all your parents savings and you spend all your own savings and you come out with a college degree…and you’re drowning in more debt than you ever thought possible
But you have a college degree, so you’ll find a job, because that’s what they told you
They told you to listen to them because they did it and look! they’re fine!
But what they didn't tell you because they didn’t realize is that everything has changed and we can’t always learn from our parents lives and mistakes and accomplishments because everything has changed

Knowing the square root of pi will not ease your mind when your thoughts are going awry
Maybe what will is knowing why you think the way you think and how you’ve been taught to think that way think and realizing that you can think on your own without other people telling you what to think and think think think think think THINK
If you repeat a word too many times, it loses it’s meaning
If you are told something too many times, it loses it’s meaning
If you are told something too many times, if you are told something too many times, if you are told something too many times…you won’t believe it anymore

We wait
because we think time will make decisions easier.
That with time, we will learn.
We will understand and we will not be confused.
And we wait
because we are told we are still young, that we do still have time.
We wait because we think we can.
But really,
we wait because we are scared, and we are trying to buy more time.
Because we do not like change, and we do not want anything to be different.
We truly wait because new things terrify us, and we are worried that we will make the wrong decision. So we wait in order to make that wrong decision at a later time.

It’s fear that holds me back
But fear of what?
Fear of the unknown
Everyone has this fear of the mysterious idea of the unfamiliar
Of things different,
of things new
It holds me back from experiencing new things  
It holds you back,
it holds her back,
it holds him back
This fear of something that no one can describe through words or paintings or drawings stops all of us
We’re scared of what’s going to happen if we do this,
we’re scared of what people will say,
what people will think, what they will do
I want to stop thinking of all of the options,
and see what will actually happen
It’s time to experience the things that fear has stopped me from doing.
No, I’m not ready.
Yes, I am still scared.
I’m nervous and I just keep thinking but it’s okay, everyone gets scared, right?

I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure I mean absolutely nothing to you
You probably never think about me,
and seeing my name doesn’t make you wince
I’m almost certain you don’t stay awake at night
staring at the ceiling because all you can think about
is “why did I let it happen?” and
“why am I actually still thinking about this?”
It’s possible, but I really don’t think making eye contact with me hurts you
You don’t think “maybe she’ll apologize, maybe she’ll realize” Probably.
Maybe you see my name on Facebook  
with that green little dot next to it, and you want to message me
Maybe you want to talk to me
But that’s doubtful because if you wanted to, you would
And yet, I’m not the one that ****** up. You are.