I would have called to you
Were it not for the sirens
Blaring in the back of my mind
I would have ran to you
Were it not for the chains
That shackled me to the floor
I would have
If I had wanted to
If you had wanted me
If I had wanted you

My biggest wish for you
Is that when you are old
And grey
You have crow's feet
That crinkle
At the corners of
Your eyes
The world will know
You lived successfully
You were fulfilled
In life
You found happiness
In all you did
You will not have
Wrinkles on your forehead
From years of furrowing
Your brow
In dismay
May this life
Bring you
Nothing but pleasure
May you find
Beauty
In the cracks
Of the sidewalks
In the face
Of your reflection
In the still lakes
You will age marvelously
With a smile like that
I just wanted
To tell you

She loved to scare me
To dangle a future in front
Of my dark chocolate eyes
They gleamed with childish hope
But then she would say something
Anything
A little comment
That felt like splinters
Under my fingernails
Maybe we should wait
She would say
And my heart would ache for her
Long for her
She loved to scare me
Because not five minutes later
We would speak of a future
With children
A white picket fence
And a million other cliches
I knew she meant it
She loved to scare me
Because at the end of the day
She knew I was hers
I would follow her
Anywhere
Everywhere
To the ends of the earth
Loving her scared me
But the thought of losing her
Scared me more

I don't want to tell you
That I'm scared too
Because I know that what I'm feeling
Can't hold a candle
To how you feel
I want to be strong enough
For the both of us
So that when your strength fails you
And the water rises
I may carry you on my shoulders
And wade us through the oncoming tides
No matter what
We will go through this life
Together
Unified
I will never let you be alone
I will never give up on you
But I do know one thing
If nothing else
I know that you will be okay
I love you

My selfish heart broke a little
With words that tore through me
Like butter knives
Because it takes longer
To rip out a heart
With something so dull
Dull like me
Dull like the music
Rushing through my hushed lips
Because music isn't as beautiful
When it's escaping prison
The prisoners rage war
On the backs of my eyes
Not the front
Because everything is connected
From the back of them
It does more damage
You've damaged my prisoner of a heart
And I cannot scream though these lips wish to
I cannot fight back
If I were emptier
I would be dead.

But what if
My vision
Is different?
What if I see
6 kids
And a farm house
With a barn
Full of animals
To keep our children
Smiling and giggling
I see ten cats
And four dogs
A cow, a horse
A pig even
I see a hammock
In the yard
To cradle our baby in
While she sleeps
While the children play
While the dogs wrestle
What I see is
A marriage
A happy one
With angry moments
And more love
Than this world
Has ever seen
I see us,
Forever
When I look at you
I see
A future
I see love

You are a hard days work
When you collapse in your fit
Of sleepy eyes
And tired smiles
I know that the day
Has been a complete success
You are a sweet surrender
When I'm unsure of myself
You are there
To lift me up
And I see myself clearly
Once more
You are the sweetest melody
You are a song destined
To be sung
To be heard
You bring music and life to the world
You are my lover
My best friend
My soul mate
The reason I awake every morning
I will love you forever

I have loved much
And met many
But I've never come across
Something as exquisite as you
And that my dear,
Is the most phenomenal love
A person can feel

I will not show my disappointment
I will not express my sadness
I will sit quietly and I will wait
I have always done my best
To be calm
But I have failed many times
I will always be a failure
But I will fail silently

Sometimes my wrists ache to be cut
My body begs me to give it the feelings it craves
I am not allowed to explore that part of myself
I am not allowed to scratch up my skin
My body is screaming now
I can not keep it at bay much longer
I can not control myself
I will slip up
I will bruise my own skull
It will be beautiful

I promise I am trying
My very best
It is rarely even enough

I've not forgotten you
No, my sweet, I could never
Hush my love do not cry
I am here
Let me hold your head
In my lap
And drag my smooth fingers
Across your soft cheek
Lay with me, my angel
Let me become a part of you
Let your body meld with mine
Together we are superhuman
We are capable of much
We are defeated by little
Our love will save you
I will save you
Until we are one entity
A single, beating heart
Just for you and I

I am the needless and the needy
I am the forgetful and the forgotten
I have been neither here nor there
Yet I have seen everything
And been everywhere
I am the friendly and the friendless
I am the hopeful and the hopeless
I have stayed in my spot
Yet I have crossed the seven seas
And have swam the deepest depths
I am not everything I seem
Yet I am so obvious
I am not sad
Yet I am rarely happy
I am everything
Yet I am nothing

I am not allowed to feel
Disappointment
I am not allowed to show
Sadness
Fear
Anxiety
This is what is not allowed
I am allowed to
Cry silently
I am allowed to show
Happiness
Joy
Patience
This is what is allowed
This is what is expected
Of a girl like me

It is not that I feel nothing
I do feel
Much more than I'd like to admit
So it is not that I feel nothing
It is that I feel hungrily
I feel severely and scarcely
I feel so much that my body aches
That my mind turns on me
I feel so harshly that my skin must take the fall
For my brains short comings
It is not that I feel nothing
It is that I feel too much

You weren't a bee
Bees are calm
And peaceful
You were a wasp
Filled with the fury of a thousand men
And a buzz that could send a child
Into a fit of tears
You promised not to hurt me
That my skin would always
Undoubtedly remain
Pure and without stings
I believed your lies
I caressed your stinger
And chose to believe
That it would never harm me
But it did
And I turned numb and cold
My skin burned like an angry fire
My eyes shone with tears
My cheeks were red as blood
I begged for you to stop
I couldn't control you

If you were a jellyfish
And I was the sea
I'd capture your stings
So tenderly

If you were a rose
I would ***** my finger
A thousand times
Just to feel your touch
For a fleeting moment

Maybe I am so jealous
That the essence of it
Leaks from my pores
Or maybe
I'm so tired of being a part of nothing
That my urge to be a part of everything
Is overwhelming
To the point
Of obsessive compulsions
To the point
Where it feels as though
Death has taken a seat at my doorstep
When all else has but failed
I am left with my anxiety
And I can't explain it
And no one understands
So I am alone

You muttered lies and empty threats
With the intention to collapse all that we’d built together.
Our empire was structurally sound
And flawless to the last detail
But you've crumpled it
With your angry footprints
And your inexplicable ability
To reek havoc upon the unsuspecting citizens
You created dysphoria in city streets
The muffled screams of children pressed into the breast of their mothers
Clinging to their shirts
For all the life that their tiny bodies had experienced
Appeared to be crashing down.
In a nanosecond everything changed
Our quiet halcyon would erupt into a volcano of misery
You played your violin on the rooftops
Listening to everything you had ever known and come to love, disappear
It spread like wildfire and soon your music was no more
Soon we lived in desolate silence
You and I
Spoon feeding the masses our hollow heap of endless lies
“Hush my people, everything will calm once more if you only do as we say.”
That night we all passed bitterly away
The cold overtook our shaking bodies
And curdled our blood like sour milk
My last sight was you
A sinister smile spreading across your chapped lips
“The end” you whispered, as you grabbed my hand
“Is here.”

I want to grow old
In the palms of your hands,
Wrapped endlessly around you
Like a grape on a vine.
I want to fall in love
The way I once fell in love
With the sunset
While I sat on the beach
In the middle of nowhere
Contemplating the direction of my life
I want to be yours
In the way no one has ever been
Anybody's anything before.
I want to stay forever in your eyes
As I am now
Sweet
Small
Innocent and lovely
As is the beginning of spring
When the world starts to flourish
And the best you can do
Is watch in amazement

And I've loved you entirely
Greedily
Grasping at the edge of your soul for comfort
I've stolen the remains of your empty heart
For my own sick pleasure of piecing it together
To marvel at the finished product
Of a shiny porcelain doll
My entire being, surrounds the bleakness of your scattered mind
Spotless, without reason
The purpose of my shallow breaths
Lost in the sound of your voice
Intoxicated, stumbling blindly, drunk off the rise and fall of your heavy chest
Thick skulled and battled to fracture
You fight sleep
You fight me to stay awake
You clutch to your last ounce of awake
To stare deep into the black eyes of mine
That hover reality momentarily
Only to flee to the imaginative world we created in our clumsy childish minds
Falling in love quickly
Breaking barriers
Defying absolute gravity in an incomprehensible manner
Longingly invisible to all outsiders
Breathtaking inevitability of a crash
The kind that pops your ear drums
And all noises turn into the muffled screams of your own mind
But love
Your love
My love
Pulls sound into these hollow ears
Holds my feet to the hot cement
Beats my heart unsteadily
Creates beauty
Creates life
In the simplest of ways
Your smile etches out a life I had never envisioned

I added 2 and 2 together
Expecting a value of 4
But it always equals less
And it never equals more

I’ve been hoping for a change
A sudden halt in time
But you’ve never been anyone’s
Yet you’ve always been mine

I have loved you for forever
And it seems I cannot show
Just how much I need to love you
And how much you need to know

I can’t fathom why you love me
I can’t grasp just why I’m sad
But you’re everything I’ve needed
And you’re the best thing that I’ve had

This feeling in my stomach
It doesn’t seem to tame
I’ve been trying to hide my hurt
I have cried myself to shame

You are 2 and 2 together
You have always equaled 4
You have never equaled less
But you sometimes equal more

Hello old friend,

It’s been a while

Once, I knew you well

But I’ve changed since then

Though you look quite the same

Do you remember

Our affair?

When the chill of your touch

Kissed my wrist and I thought about

How your lipstick left a stain on my skin

But it wasn’t lipstick

Was it, old friend?

Do you remember the time

We took a bath together

And my love for you

Was so strong

I nearly died?

But you were trying to **** me,

Weren’t you, old friend?

I let you lead me

To the darkest parts of myself

But you weren’t my friend at all

Were you?

You were my enemy

You wore only silver

And red

But the red was mine

Wasn’t it, my enemy?

I’ll never forget you

But I have tried my best not to remember you

You ruined me, my enemy

You ruined my skin

You ruined the most innocent part of me

Didn't you, my blade?

I have cried for every freckle

Every scar and pore your skin has acquired

I did not cry tears of melancholy

But tears of joy and admiration

That this godless earth has created

Such immaculate beauty

In you

I’m not saying that you’re delicate

What I’m saying is this,

If you were a daffodil

And I was the wind

I’d cease my angry assault through the sky

To save you