Do you know what's terrible?
I want to do something bad.
But I can't.
Why can't I do something bad?
The things I take would mix.
Bad thing.

I want to do it anyway.
I may just get sleepy.
I may just feel sick.
But at least I'll know.
But I'm afraid to try.
But I want to so bad.

“Perfect,
Get it perfect.”
What was ‘perfect?’
Perfect grades? Perfect manners?
Perfect charade…
Charade?
I never knew it was pretend…
Just thought fighting and lying and leaving
Was completely normal…
Felt like a broken cocoon with a beautiful butterfly
That’s too scared of the outside world to emerge.
“Perfect,
Just perfect.”
Broken chairs, broken walls, broken hearts.
Fighting wasn’t an ideal perception,
It was everything I breathed, all that I knew.
Strangling the idea of perfection
Until it slipped right through our hands.
Perfectly out of hand and sight
The only thing in sight, in fact, was a hand
Across my mother’s cheek, and only
Because she chose to speak
Well, isn’t that image just perfect?
“Perfect, Caytlin, perfect,”
The answer he gave at that moment
When asked if I believed the marriage would work
I was only eleven… eleven…
What was I supposed to say?
“No.”
Tears ran in perfect streams
Down my mother and sister’s faces
Like rain coming down softly
Calming right after the storm.
My eyes stayed dry because I knew
This was never perfection at all
Just a big misunderstanding
My mother holding onto the edge of the cliff
Because she was too afraid to let go
Of what she knew and fall into the perfect waters.
….perfect?
What is perfect?
Everything that I am not?
The things that I have failed to do?
The people I couldn’t manage to impress?
Perfect is a figment of our imaginations,
Because 'perfect' does not exist.

Look back at who you used to be:
A boy who walked the straight and narrow
Afraid of your own shadow
A child who made promises unto himself
Swearing you’d never give in
Swearing you’d cling to your dream
Swearing you would be strong enough to stand high on the mountain of morality
Out of reach of their harsh words
And too far away to see the blinding lights of reality
That hoped to knock you down

Now look at who you’ve become:
You call yourself a man
Because you’ve been exposed to the elements
You claim to have “grown-up”
Since you’ve traded in your morals for a ribbon of approval from your friends
You let the words of others sting you
And you change your personality to cover the wounds
You are a disgrace
You’ve cast off pieces of yourself
And glazed over your flaws
To be a mindless piece of perfection
That society won’t reject.
Good for you.

These halls I’ve walked so many times before have changed
The familiar feeling of a home I used to know has gone away
Is it this place that’s always changing?
Or is it the man who wants it all to stay the same?
We used to laugh about the past
But now the past has lead us here
To a present I don’t even recognize
While time continues to take each moment
As retribution for all the time I’ve wasted
Trying to figure out what I wanted the future to look like
Was it worth worrying about the days to come?
When they have now become days gone by,
I realize I wasted every one of them
I could have done so much more, become so much more
If I hadn’t worried on the future,
And lived for the day I had.

February 14th comes around once again
And once again I’m by myself
Am I supposed to be depressed?
All by myself crying and dreaming of a day when I’m wanted every minute of every ******* day…no thank you.
So yes, it’s ******* Valentine’s Day
And all I have to show for it is a card from my mom
Does that mean that my life is over?
No it does not.
I know that someday, someone will see me
As more than just a talking meat suit
More than a one-time endeavor
Someone will look beneath my skin
And see who I really am and who I wish I could be
I will show this person the darkest corners of my personality
And they will not turn away
And until that person comes along
I am not settling for second best
Or second rate
Just so I can have a date
For someone who is all-right
For someone who simply thinks I look nice
Or that I’m kinda funny
Or that I will do for now
Because I respect myself more than that
I respect myself enough to wait for the right one to come along
And someday, when I’ve got the white-picket fence and the rest of the American dream grasped tightly to my chest
I will thank the Lord that I did not waste my time
Crying every time I found myself alone.

My reflection speaks to me.

He reminds me of the person I wish I could be

Twenty pounds lighter

A couple shades dark

Society’s perfect specimen.

I think of the person I could be

And with great disdain,

I look at the person I really am

I wish my flaws away.


How vain could I be,

To pray away my individuality

In order to be a deluded form of myself,

Who could face himself in a mirror?

And then...what would my reflection say?

"You're pretty."
"I love you."
"We should be friends."
Phrases I tend to cycle through every day.
Words that bring happiness and good feelings into others' lives.
Yet, I constantly get questioned why I'm nice to everyone.
Or told that I can't befriend everyone.
Reminded that people will hate me.
But you see, that's a fact I know all too well.
Behind this smiling face and welcoming exterior is a soul that is broken.
A person who has been picked on, kicked around, bullied
Made to feel so bad that tears streamed more constantly than water from a faucet.
Feeling like I would never be loved
Never have true friends
Never be pretty.
There was a period in my life where I had no one.
No best friend to tell my secrets to.
No circle where I felt I belonged.
Sitting alone at lunch.
One of the worst feelings in the world.
Watching everyone talk and laugh and smile.
And wondering why I can't have those experiences, too.
Eating too much to fill the empty void of time.
Gaining weight in an attempt to drown my sorrows in food.
Fast forward a few years.
Friendships have developed.
They enjoy my humor and fun spirit.
Yet no one noticed the hurt still burning inside me.
The fear of rejection.
The sadness of never understanding old inside jokes.
The worry that someday everything would go back to how it was.
And I would be left alone.
Again.
With no one to talk to or sit with.
So forgive me for being too kind, or too happy. Or spreading love. Or wanting to be friends with people.
Because I never want to experience that hollow feeling of loneliness again.

Count every calorie
1,2…Too many
Try each quick trick,
power shake,
weight loss,
fat *******,
muscle building,
fiberlicious,
piece of ******* I can get my hands on
Take the stairs, not the elevator
Walk to work, then walk home
Jog in place,
Do 10 push-ups,
Jumping jacks,
Tuck jumps,
Sit-ups,
Scissor kicks,
You name it I’ve done it
I’ve stuck to my diet for so long
My menu has consisted of a million and one ways to say bland
I have looked into low-fat,
No fat,
Fat free,
Sugar free,
Sodium free,
‘Feel free, to leave me on the shelf because I taste like dog ****’
versions of every name brand in the produce section
and now…now I would **** for some cheese fries,
Or a giant cake just for me,
An entire package of Oreos dipped in Nutella,
Or simply a candy bar
Dieting takes will power,
But vending machines take mere pocket change.

*******.

That's the first word that came to mind
when I met you.
"What an *******. I want nothing to do with you."
It's funny how things change, huh?
Not the you being an ******* part.
That's still true.
But now all I want
Is to be around you.

Inconvenient
Why are feelings so inconvenient?
My luck, I guess.
That's what I deserve for playing make believe.
For all of those time I fell into a daydream
Where we love each other
and everything is alright.
We'd be together and my fears
of being alone would be gone.
I'd get to wake up in the morning
next to your warm body
your head on my chest
listening to my heart saying thank you
for being alive.

Dreaming
I like dreaming.
A dream is like a blank canvas.
When you drift away,
you arrive to a giant mass of white
getting to stab at it with your brush
until it fills with color.
I love when I get to paint.
There is always
sunshine
rainbows
and you.

Reality
I wake up and get slapped in the face by reality
I'm forced to look in the mirror
And see everything I've been afraid of.
Nothing will happen. With us.
You've got your eyes set on someone else.
And I've got mine set on the softness in your eyes.

The fact that I'll never have you
is what I've come to accept.
It's what I've come to know.

But that can't numb the feeling
of tiny knives dancing around a fire
burning in my belly
every time I see your face.
It doesn't dim the light I see
when I work up the courage
to look you in the eye.
It doesn't stop me from wanting
to wrap myself in your laugh
and just melt.

From wanting to walk in front of you
and shield you from the
hate
ignorance
and dagger-like words
being thrown your way.
From wanting to walk behind you
and catch all of the pieces
when someone crashes through
that beautiful puzzle
called your mind.
From wanting to walk beside you
our fingers intertwined
with a promise of never letting go.

Always
I'll always have a place
in my heart for you.
For all of the moments
when you chased away the rain clouds
on my stormiest days.
The way your shining smile
never fails to create
a speck of beauty
against a dark silhouette of ugliness.

Instead, I'll just dream
and hope I never wake up.