Emilea

Emilea Feb 3

****

i forgot how to write. all of the pain and sadness and longing twists and bends into guilt and shame and boredom. growing up *****. younger me would be ******* thrilled to see herself now, which makes me wonder when this stopped being enough for her. i got greedy. or just needy. waffles for breakfast yesterday morning. you said they were the best you'd ever had. i want to make them for you until your teeth fall out and my fingers turn crooked and all that's left to do is find out whether we'll eat breakfast together in the next life or was this the last time i'll watch you **** the syrup off your finger? i grieve going to sleep oblivious to what i'd wake up to. nearing the end of a book, realizing you've read it before, but forgot the ending. what if it *****?

Emilea Jan 2022

cold shoulder

Missing you is so embarrassing. We’ve never even touched. But I looked you in your face once, and I now wish I’d never turned away. Maybe it was the nerves. I tend to be quite shy around strangers, believe it or not.
Are we still strangers if I think about you all the time? Why don’t you call me anymore? I wonder if polka dot rain boots will keep me from you again. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? See you soon.

Emilea Oct 2017

Dog [T]ears

On May 5, 2015, you laid your head in my lap at three in the morning and cried for an hour. It has been weeks since my last load of laundry, and longer since I've brushed my hair. Playing the piano, but only to feel my fingertips hit the keys. All you have to do is exist. No one looks up to stargaze anymore, but I almost crashed my car, craning my neck to catch a glimpse. What does God do when He gets sad? Nothing says "I love you" like forgetting about me. My last breath is nearing. All you have to do is exist. My writing has no structure because that's how it is in my head, only louder. Remember when I showed up at your house and we cried on the floor with your dog (you helped me more than I did you)? Seize the day so hard it snaps. All you have to do is exist. I went to therapy, but all I got was a story about Native American pottery copied onto a piece of wrinkled printer paper. All you have to do is exist. Please don't become a dentist. All you have to do is exist. It's just so hard to love when you're not alive inside. All you have to do is exist. All you have to do is exist. All you have to do is exist.

Emilea Aug 2017

intentions

I don't mean to write about you. Kind of in the same way I don't mean to stay in bed until evening or avoid calls from my mother or miss meals or cry through a night or two. I just do. I'm sure the sun doesn't mean to burn and the leaves don't mean to fall and the flowers don't mean to wilt and winter doesn't mean to freeze. They just do.

Emilea Jul 2017

getting late

Run your fingers up my leg until my lungs are sore from holding my breath. Tug my hair just enough to raise my head, get my attention. Hold my thigh so you can feel the chills I get from your breath on my neck. Trace my lips with your thumb until my mouth waters. Wrap your hand around my throat; don't grasp, just hold me tight. Feed me your thoughts using only your eyes. Explore me until you find your favorite part. Stay awhile.

Emilea Dec 2016

between

You miss the softness of my skin;
The texture of my hair;
The taste of my lips;
I know what "I miss you" means.

You love the curve of my hips
The kiss on your neck;
The hands on your chest;
I know what "I love you" means.

Emilea Dec 2016

what

I’m always waiting for something, always looking for something. It’s the reason I look into rooms with their lights off and drive down streets that aren’t taking me where I’m trying to go. You confuse me. I never know who I’m going to get. Guards up. Tell me I'm the prettiest girl you've ever seen. Ignore me. *** me up and throw me away. Who do you think you are? Who do you think I am?