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em Sep 2020
lost am i
on a season of
reconciliation.
tried and true
the billowy blue
which calls itself
a home.
i see everything
as it comes and goes,
as my coffin lies in wait
for a sordid corpse to pick
its way through the dying
leaves.
but before my death i must
surrender, this depressive mode
for freedom never came to the weary
only the willing.
and the audience applauds
well done, you sickly being
forever living as an open wound
but little do they know
i've my own audience now.
and i know i stand in hell
with my own mind.
em Sep 2020
there is a part of me
which lies, eyes wide
awake.
and im stuck with who I am
and these thoughts in
the bone arena
of my skull.
mens rea, guilty mind
because i know i haven't
gotten to you yet.
and for that, how sorry
i am.
i used to love those baggy jeans
torn up tees
and nicotine.
the way the fabric never catches
in my dreams.
so im waiting now
heavy-hearted
lying low
for some part of me to show
they understand.
em Aug 2020
today i am running
i think i can fly...
but, once more, once again
i am stuck with who i am.
mens rea
a guilty mind
and once again
i think i can fly
but for now
i am stuck with who i am
and to these thoughts
in the bone arena of my skull
i bid no second glance
for they are what gave me
such false wings.
em Aug 2020
she's here again.
loud, loud enough that
i cannot hear the woman tumbling
from my '98 Crosley,
that voice like liquid silver.
she's here again.
come to hurt me, bad.
i thought i closed my door.
i thought i closed my door.
leave me alone
i say.
loud, loud enough this
time that maybe she will go.
and i can sit here,
without her hands on my bones.
and i can sit here with the cat,
who is soft, and silent.
and i might be able to hear
that voice that cracks like lightning.
i thought i closed my door.
i thought i closed my door.
help me.
break out of this glass prison
where there is hardly room to breath
only to see in.
em Aug 2020
i need to be let go,
like icarus near the sun,
my wings will break,
and i will not make it,
alas, the man has won.
like a trojan horse, he comes for me,
in my dreams, my mind
but there is nothing left.
and to this he is blind.
a man of God, or God, he fell astray.
and he looks down upon
me and you.
or perhaps, away.
what was your favorite color? red.
and the purple flush of my face
as your hands cradled my throat, squeezed hard
with the warmth of Death’s embrace.  
now, i find myself lost, where the dark seeks
to be,
a monster on an upside-down throne.
i must be cured of this disease,
to know the light where Icarus had flown.
and so i sit, an animal
chained to what i know so well
amid the cries, my own and yours
aflame in some forgotten hell.
em Jul 2020
i wish i had a grave to visit
i wish it was my own.
he grabs me from behind
hands trace my hips, sunken bones
you don't want to go where
i have been.
without relief, i am resigned
breathless, helpless, close to death
eyes wide shut and hypnotized
waits patient, for the ending breath
you don't want to go where
i have been.
those words are caught inside the dark
they fuss and whine between my lips
i try and try to let them out
and between my teeth, loosen my grip.
you don't want to go where
i have been.
and just as they begin to fly,
your hands are around me again
wrapped around my throat like vines
and now I know, this is my end.
you don't want to go where
i have been.
running down the riverbank,
chasing, screaming, the quiet frown
hands move under the willow tree,
1, 2 ,3, waiting to drown.
you don't want to go where
i have been.
he's giving up, i've given up
today is not the day to win.
my heart beats faster than he can hurt,
his fingers lift my chin.
you don't want to go where
i have been.
you don't want to go where
i have been.
em Jul 2020
sun
the mind surfaces,
afloat on nothing, extinct almost
but not yet.
a swollen soul, adrift on blue
i am suffocating, taut
is the net.
the hands lost inside me
broken fingers grasp
and break in two.
i pray, religiously,
and once i know i see
im drowning as he grew.
as i have grown a bit since then
and much inside me changes when
im grasping at the sun
to fill me up with something
that no longer resembles
the pain that I've outrun.
and then i realize
i am alone
and nothing can be saved
this **** is not a memory
nor a thought, rather a road
forever unpaved.
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