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em Mar 2020
I want for nothing more than my own mind -
but obsolete it is and empty as I.
for hours in this corner I shake,
and get nowhere with my cries.
on this floor, I turn to dust -
and walk unsteady with my pain -
prescribed dose goes down my throat -
seven pills to keep me sane.
I want for nothing more than my own mind -
but obsolete it is and empty as I.
for someone has taken my thoughts out
and replaced them with a lie.
em Feb 2020
it is but a puddle, which contains so strongly my veracity -
a naked pain, which inflicts like a cursed spoke.
and though the sea may be livid, I have been inured to its anger.
you must not believe the sight of such torment.
see not the gossamer of my skin, nor the stiff white edges.  
hear not my howls which echo behind the black door.
feel not the warmth of Blood stitched upon white sheets.
hold not my aching limbs for they may never come undone.
lift your neck and heavy head, hold steady your breath,
to let your eyes rest upon me and see the truth
as a tentative gift, so that everyone may watch as
I inhale Misery, feather-quiet creatures wait on me
for the Rapture is near! on unsteady feet, I rise,
careful as not to wake them, At last, I have summited,
out of this tempestuous sea,
I do not recognize myself.
there is a salt upon my lids,
where I let the angels cry unto my brow.
they come to me in this euphoria,
this window of time that had been opened
whereupon I weep, this time at their feet.
I kiss their toes and cradle in my hands their marble heels.
oh, joy! I have been awakened,
and yet, still, the mirror is clear.
where am I?
What have I become?
em Feb 2020
cut
the beginning began as all beginnings do.
slow. slow like the gradual roar
of a whitecap, with its pigeon blue body.
the first time, my skin was beautiful.
my wrist, like a pale, smooth sheet of gossamer.
ready to be awakened and bled.
I hold my skin close like a mother holds her child.
for I cannot bear for them to see.
the rigidity of it now, the toll of age.
the patterns that time, ticking,
left upon my forearms.
em Feb 2020
help.
help me.
ad infinitum, a life that never ends.
this life never ceases to exist and because of this
I kneel to my master with alacrity and grace,
for this brisk readiness to end my life is tangible to touch.
and in my catharsis, I still fight, too hard and long to see out
help.
help me.
in this field of broken flowers
smashed stems and divided blades,
I cannot be infinite anymore.
so I write this to let you know my end is near.
it does not bother me so, this ephemeral life,
for a thousand years could not reflect this pain.
help.
just help me.
em Feb 2020
stultify, my mind
this routine is never kind
the same drill of terror, obsolete
to black and blue, I'm beat.
this pious voice inside my head
wants nothing more than me dead
and yet I quarrel with my sorrow
and hold it to my breast.
clutch tight to your volition dear,
you're too smart to give him power here.
God doesn't know what he's created
monsters, demons, angels,
me.
God doesn't know what he's created.
em Feb 2020
stultify, my mind
this routine is never kind
the same drill of terror, obsolete
to black and blue, I'm beat.
this pious voice inside my head
wants nothing more than me dead
and yet I quarrel with my sorrow
and hold it to my breast.
clutch tight to your volition dear,
you're too smart to give him power here.
God doesn't know what he's created
monsters, demons, angels,
me.
what pious voice echoes in my thoughts
that all but consumes me.
what sorrow lies upon my breast
that all but consumes me.
em Feb 2020
these creatures in my vision
they dance around a skeletal me
with cries, they leap in their
animal ways and they then count to three.
to three they get and all their cries
come forward into the night
what skies hold fast their darkened hues
shall set forth all their light.
I call to them, please help me
take this sorrow out my veins
release me from this downward hole
from this everlasting pain.
these creatures in my vision
they toss the marrow-bone
from claw to paw, they sing.
come back to us, our queen.
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