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em Dec 2019
and what the world may see
my bounding heart now lies still
the echoes of the feeling we call happy
are silenced.

i have arrived my friends,
i am soaked and hurting
wont you let me in.

your black hole is an invitation,
a home for my broken figure
my broken baby
and all the people i love.

yet they are not comfortable
here.
doused in blackness,
gravity leaves them and the people
are left with all they do not know.

my mistake has all but near destroyed me
my will and ways have reached the point of
mortal waste.
it hurts everywhere.

someone help me, please
as im drifting out into the black
tell me to come back.
em Nov 2019
red
I slide my pant legs down down down
and kick them off my feet
I pull my shirt over my head
now it seems obsolete.
I take the clasps of my blue bra
and toss it on the floor.
last to come off is underwear
won't need these anymore.

now I see what I can touch,
and this is when I cut.
writing about past self-harm, no longer cutting
em Nov 2019
i sit here
beneath my dying tree
the east wind
blows
leaves and flowers
blossom
petals play like
fairies on
east wind's
shoulders.
em Nov 2019
God help me now
help me see
as I lay dying at your feet
my teeth ache
I have been up
praying all night
oh how badly I wish you could see

what you've put me through.

seven years of anguish
seven years of pain
oh lord, my god
I am wandering now and
wondering
am I so deserving?

of what you've put me through?

I can feel her hands
searching for a meal
to fill her belly full
and my very being
is served like a spit
to this woman, who claims
she is an angel.
I think i might be deserving

of what you've put me through?

all I see, a little girl
who's wondering all the same
her knees are sore from many things
she has kneeled to this woman
and now she is kneeling to you
"Oh Lord, my God, I beg of you
help me now and ill pray to prove
I don't deserve this.
I am her treat, her gift, her love
but I pray to my god above  
to prove I don't deserve this.
oh god my lord I will commence
my prayer and ill leave my pence
to prove I don't deserve this."

and now I sit
across from you
I've died from this abuse
I wonder hard, could I have saved
that little girl
from all of that
misuse?
em Nov 2019
here i am
again
awake
alive
no.
is it happening all over again?
my muscles ache as if someone has torn
the fibers,  tied nails to them and replaced me
as a mistreated machine.
there is a blaze in my brain
and no amount of water can
quench its flames
I burn until whats left of me
smokes  out of my ears and allows
me no
oxygen and
i am afraid of truth.
i cannot walk
for my legs have been sewn together
like a deformed doll
i am an ugly misshapen
machine
i run on fear and guilt
and i am afraid of truth.
i cannot write
i cannot get it out
i am inhuman
i am a machine
i feel as though
im dying but
im very well alive
and that is what i fear

the aliveness brings us together
or does it bring us lies
does it bring us its very end
right at the beginning?
should we be afraid?
because i am
i am weak in the knees
help me
i cannot get it out
of me
i scrape and scratch
and will it out
but still, it stays
inside

welcome to me
i am a machine
well-oiled no
but running so

i am crazy
i am beaten
i lie
i cheat
i scream and  cry
i cannot seem to
get by in
this life

is it enough
for me?
for you?
for anyone?
em Nov 2019
her mouth is like a
crimson slit
her face as pale
as death
her arms as thin
as morning sun
her hands dance
on her *******
she carries slow
her dying words
and ****** them at
my feet
before she lays
eternally down
she speaks them on
repeat
i am your mother
i am your wife
the sister you never had
i am your mind
i am your lies
im that which makes you glad
i am the lust that comes from ***
i am your deepest fears
i am your guilt you hold so
deep
i am your biggest tears
and so i set these at your toes
in hopes you run with them
never forget who i am
until your very end.
em Nov 2019
my mama sets her lips on my cheek
but not long enough for me to feel
loved
quick, she says
we must go
this place isn't right for us.
my mama stares  at me in the
doorway
calm, she says,
that boy wasn't right for you.
my mama drives down 1-95
speeding past and cursing out
quiet, she says
that man wasn't good for us.
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