My first game of monopoly, but I haven’t lost since.
Love, some time ago; I’m not sure where it went to but it hasn’t returned.
Faith, in humanity as well as “GOD”.
My precious stuffed cheetah, a beat up old animal and a gift from someone once called “Daddy”.
My creativity, because it means nothing with these words I’m left with are words I don’t know how to use to tell you how I feel.

Empty hands reach ever higher engulfing lies to build the fire,
Taking in a breath of beauty to exhale a cloud of life,
Of the memories in time forgotten within a mind of strife.
Wherein disguised by loving eyes a textured heart still mourns
The past reflections in the mirror and the pain which skin adorns.

I long to be like you, but these scars hold me back-
Like chains, binding me to the wall of my past memories,
Written upon in blood, voiced through soundless screams;
Colored in shadows of grey.
And I cannot forget,
Not while I still feel the agony, caught in an ever-present never-ending struggle.
My tears mean nothing to you, you who cannot understand.
I’ve never felt any different, always it’s been like this.
So even as I long to be like you I’m accustomed to this way of half-life.
I couldn’t change and wouldn’t, this way is my way and no other.
So, it doesn’t really matter how very much
I long to be like you…

Darkness blinding silence screaming,
Everyone in pain and bleeding.
Agony, sadness decieving
Till you end up not believing.
Pain and pleasure both in measure,
Of all the most your affection I treasure.
Hearts are broken numb from tokin'
"I love you" are words unspoken.
Hide your eyes and seek not my soul,
Else against heart's crule whims you will play that role-
If you like I have suffered still
This thing heedless of our own will.
This feeling stays and like a vice
It keeps me tansfixed to you as if by ice.
A raven's cry like mine sings your name,
For mine own imperfections would bring you to shame.
But fear and hurt- they give way to hope,
When all we know is together we cope.
Although I'm scared of what may come,
I have you- the only one.
Dark clouds obscure the skies with storms,
Emotions and lives takes different forms.
A secret unspoken holds us from harm,
Knowing full well the hidden charm.
All the while this is the best memory,
Together with you in broken harmony.

I am a writer.
I do not write just to have words on paper;
I write to have these words spoken aloud, with passion, with power to move people to tears and conviction in a single sentence fashion,
Both in the same breath.
Laugh laugh haha see a face? That one face, once full of comfort and love.
Turn it over, see it now full of maggots and dripping its rotting flesh upon rotting life.
A flower- Nightshade, beautiful and deadly.
Deadly fun weaving crowns of poison, wearing thorns and courting danger;
Flirting with disaster, a bride-to-be of pain.
Suffering; screams rip out of raw throats, animalistic and guttural.
Splattering, cracking as bodies hit the floor,
Smeared on the earth is blood and gore.
Why? I can't take much more - but there is nothing wrong with me-
Something's wrong with me.
These are your nightmares, my daydreams, fantasies you hope never visit reality.
Fantasies I may bring to life.
Hellish song arises from darkness, deep and haunting...
Alone in the darkness insomnia takes over;
And over and over.
Fear closes in chokingly close,
Surrounds-
Then it drowns.
Scarring images, scarred for life, broken upon the stones of my words-
Impaled upon the sticks of my anger.
A name, one name called to your mind, whispering from the deep.
"Names will never hurt me," -ha, lies.
This name hurts.
It burns into your being, a red hot brand on the soul.
It's my name, harming my soul with the memory of you.
I'm pretending not to feel it, I'm pretending not to care,
I'm trying not to live my life pretending you are there.
I know there is no going back but I dream of it,
You're gone now and I hate you for it.
I want to fall and with pain sate my thirst for it.
Tell me you love me, break it all down;
Tear up my heart with your uncaring sound.
I'm hurting- in pain -and you won't set me free;
Lie so sweetly and then smile at me.
Your hellish song arises now from the dawn, light and piercing,
Staking me upon your sticks and breaking me on your stones.
A beautiful flower- nightshade, rests beside my hand;
I the thorn-crowned, screaming for you, calling in tears for you, forgotten.
So in this hell I await your return, swamped in anger;
I can’t wait to get you back,
I’m going to get you back.
Just remember, I love you.
I hate you.

I love you, I truly do.
And everyone agrees we make a great pair.
Bur affection displays are running low,
You simply don’t seem to care.
I want to be held in your arms, I yearn to kiss you so sweet;
Yet even hugging just once seems such a high feat.
So I ask from my heart, do you truly love me?
Because I fear in the future,
We could not be.

I can’t breathe anymore, you taught me to fly - then ripped off my wings.
Now I’m falling down and down, out of a stormy grey sky.
I can’t bleed anymore. You stole my kiss then broke my heart.
You built me up and tore me down,
You love me bad and hate me so very good.
Now I can’t smile anymore.
You pushed me down then helped me up,
I cried all day you laughed all night.
I screamed for hours as you watched time go by.
Everything you love, I am not.
And everything you hate, I’ve become.
You glare daggers, I get cut to the soul.
You walk away, I chase you down,
I want to give up I want to be free,
But you’ll never let me, you’ll never see no you’ll never care
What you’ve made of me.
I give you a rose - you shred it to pieces.
I kiss you so sweet - you won’t meet my eyes.
I write you a poem, bad it may be,
You toss it to fire and sip at your tea.
You’re cruel and uncaring, I’m broken and scarred.
Yet still I love you,
Yet still you resist.

Finding myself is a challenge I’ve yet to overcome,
A journey that will never end;
So why must I try so hard to create myself,
Twisting and molding when for nothing I bend?
I’ve been happy and sad and mad and calm,
I’ve gone with the flow and ridden the storm;
So after this I should know to stop pretending,
And be neither black nor white, cold or warm.
I am the one who cries at sad movies and laughs at bad jokes;
I am me, lover of music and nature, and that is enough.
I am the girl you made fun of and laughed with,
Weak on the inside but outside- tough.
While you judge and snicker, thinking what you will,
I will be busy away from you, creating myself, you’ll see-
With all the emotion, colors, sounds, scents, and experiences,
Hereafter I will be me.

If I have to go I’m glad I’m going this way,
I’m numb to love so I’m happy I feel the pain.
Everyone leaves me but I’m grateful you stayed,
I crawled all my life and you helped me to stand.
Tears mean nothing to me but I’m glad you care,
Blood won’t stop spilling but I’m happy you’re trying.
You’ve been my friend all along and I’m grateful you were,
This is a bittersweet farewell as I die by your hand.

Vicious cycles round and round
All as yet to be unwound
Dripping venom hatred be
After all just you can see
Pain revisits hurts you rend
Scars away you cannot send
Call my name for savior come
Perhaps you’ll find where you are from
Lost alone you wander far
Fallen angels your way they bar
Trapped of will none but your own
Drained of blood all skin and bone

Round, earthy tone beads, strung on a line
Pebble size, smooth, cool to the touch like new silk-
They inspire a sense of safety and nurturing,
As they should, a gift from a mother.
A crescent shaped moon, bronzy tarnished gold,
An energetic feeling, feelings of power and wisdom,
Also of peace, patience, and protection-
They come together in swirling lines across the surface,
Twisting and twirling- a dance of cool metal.
Hidden, between strung beads and moon
There rests an onyx bead.
Icy glossed, blood-red light within,
The hidden passion of fire,
Or is it love, hate?
Black and white, just as well.
Around my neck from the age of sixteen
With every glance in the mirror I see
A simple yet strong reminder of
Who I am,
What I stand for,
And my connection to nature and the elements,
But mostly to the earth.

To the dark Night of which I speak,
Of which I sing to;
The air around you I breathe
Hoping for a chance to catch your breath.
Notice me, speak unto mine soul;
Call for me, when only your voice I seek.
I long for your words, your smile and your touch;
When on my mind you are
I’m hoping on yours I am in return.
Do you notice me-
Walking by, glancing in your direction,
Too shy to say hello?
I’m wishing on your star,
Shining brightly in your Night,
Your inner light.

Everywhere is burning,
On ground - up high in trees;
I watch it all with joy
For such is beauty each year.
Fire flashing green,
Then flaring orange, yellow, red:
Embers are falling down around me,
Drifting, twirling, dancing.
Cold bites at my skin,
The air frosty and crisp:
Fire crunches under my feet
And fills the night with scent.
Alas, ‘tis not fire,
But leaves.

I am from spring nights,
the sight of meekly inquiring lightning bugs
and empowered lightning scarring the sky.
I am from snowy winters,
the feeling of air so crisp and frosty
with sparkling snowflakes racing down.
I'm from colored leaves in fall,
the scent of fragrant flowers in bloom
and trees tall and magically adorned.
I'm from summer days,
the sound of breaking waves on breaking hearts
with sandy beaches and twisting shells.
I come from the seasons,
the memories of the past and hopes for the future
all patched mismatched together is me.

Slam!
Here I am, look, listen.

Keep your eyes closed, your mind open,
Every night the same dream, so hyped up on caffeine you can’t
Think-
Stop and think about what’s going on.
Make it through each day just hazing barely coping hardly hoping
Remember please the door’s wide open.

Breathe a little more, take another breath
When you can all but keep from screaming this pain just seeming like
You can never stop and think about what’s going on.
Take a chance to cheat your death, skip the ****
Make your own choices with each and every breath.

Don’t follow the lines, break free of the common addiction.
The affliction is ours, no diction in our words to calm the friction;
Medicated dreams, sedated lives what we live for, but faded.
Huffing your cure, puffing you up, that doesn’t make you tough.
It makes you weak.


To those people who can’t feel their heart beating, their breath fleeting,
Who fight with all their might through each day not knowing if they still have the will to resist the pill;
To those who haven’t found their voice, who have but are not heard - are not blessed with the word-
Who fail even on their
Third try.
I speak for you; hear my voice, know that you can live through anything, be anything, say anything.
To those who say, I’m not anything- you are something, to some you are everything,
And nothing can take that away from you.
So drop the pills, harden your wills and stand strong!
So they put you down? Don’t lay defeated on the ground, stand up!
So yell, sing, be loud and let your message ring from ear to ear, mind to mind, heart to heart and
Make your start. Don’t be just somebody,
Be you.