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The oatmeal spills
steaming
spills like *****
spills like ***** from the mouth
spills like snow off a roof, too
heavy
too heavy for you or me or them and especially,
my mother.

Licking mayonnaise off the fingers,
biting into raw onions,
savoring the tears,
sopping up (fake) hamburger juice and cheese off plates
with faces bought from the stars,
with forks bought from discount stores,
off plates from discount stores.

Half off for your children's clothing
something, they too, have heaved on and dirtied.
Relentless-
the way children drown in dust and swing sets and in their tears
and not for nothing
not for nothing
do they cry.
They-
the most connected, the most concentrated cells, the most complete beings,
all questions no answers all wonder no pandering lying sneaking stealing
hollerin at women out the window of a car
drinkin beer to keep away memories of a childhood not dealt with.
If it was hell, deal with it. Sit in it. Sit in it.
Hell is not for those who will sit in the flames,
it is for those who would run, run, run,
hot coals everywhere coals flames licking the body licking the sweat
how ****** how steamy how ****** the flames, how they lick, swallow, spit.
Hell isn't for those who will sit in their problems, in their broken childhoods.
Sit in it. Feel it. Take it in, breathe it out. Don't forget. Get better, don't rise up to the occasion, don't let it hurt anyone else. Take your pain and trust it.
Because the cost of a soul is the price of a moment.

Because time had no beginning, but ends at forever, hanging helpless from the corner of the sphere.

Because the light will still find your brain, hidden at dead dark midnight, tickle your eyelids, and dance in a place you don’t dare mention by name.

Because darker is biggest and most beautiful, and the light men stood as the last link in the chain, the whip in the right hand of god.

Because the blood on the meter is a narcotic brew of Pacific, Atlantic, and flaming Arctic waters, set ablaze by giants who lived in the age of wine.

Because the sound of a tree falling in an empty forest rings out once, but is heard in two ways.

Because the wind cries the song of the living.

Because the sun sets and the moon rises.

Because the river water is cool.

Because the cost of a moment is the price of a soul.

Because.
They say you are crazy
if you do the same things
over and over,
and expect different results.

But sometimes you do
get different results.
They must not pay attention.

Despite it all
There is the Good
and the evil,
Evil and good,
Opposite and the Same.

The evil is to fight against.
The good is to fight for.
So Simple.
So Hard.

Beauty.
What is.
What should be.
What should never be.

All three a lie because "should" is a child's game (we all know this by now)
and "is" is the last twinkle of light
the last taste of a word
another move in the game
ache in the side ... pain in the ***
of the dying.

As they drift off to dream of an "is" just as real
as last night's dreams,
as the tv screen.

The idea of "a life,"
yours his hers,
it is an idea.
Feel a sharp stone in your eye
or a wet rock on your thigh ...
It doesn't "mean" anything until you think about it.

And as soon as you think it,
you think what it could be instead,
what it might be someday,
what it should be ...

That "should" is timeless,
built in to heart and elbows ...
the love you feel for others,
and your need to tear them down.

This is how we build "religion,"
and how we know
we are Animals.

You will burn to ashes,
But the winds will remember
someone just like you
and drag them into the next world.
A dog broke from her leash and bled out on an unfriendly neighbor's lawn.

An old man masturbated in the rain.

A little girl made a story from the shapes of clouds.

Food rotted.
Water dripped.
Ice Inched.

Electricity prevailed.
I stood there and thought something is missing
Something that brings me happiness
I know most people would say it's only a chair
But it is so much more than that

I think to myself did I do something wrong
Is this a way of getting back at me for something
I start to feel this sinking feeling in my stomach
Why oh why was it taken from me

Then I see it my chair my chair my beautiful chair
I start to feel relief all though my veins
I know most people would say its just a chair
But to me it so much more than that

I have had some of the most amazing conversations in that chair
I have sang some of the greatest songs in that chair
I have cried in that chair
I have listened in that chair

I have star gazed in that chair
I have learned to love again in that chair
I know most people would say its just a chair
But to me it is so much more than that
I walk in the house and look for you
You are not sitting at the table in the kitchen
I go to the garage to see if you are out there
You are not out there putzing around

I then tell myself he has to be somewhere
He would not leave without saying good bye
Where are you and why can't I find you
Tears fill my eyes as reality sets in

He is no longer here with me
The first man I ever loved is gone forever
The tears come and will not stop
I tried to feel your presence but I can not

I listen as people say talk to him he hears you
But I wonder how do they know that
Is it just what they say to make it easier for them
I talk but I feel nothing just my heart breaking more

I have sat by that cold stone and tried to feel you
The ground is so hard and it is a very cold place
Are you there or have you moved on to a better place
Maybe you do not have to be my dad any more

I have something to talk about and need advice
Who can I go to now and who will listen and not judge
I need you dad and always will so I will keep talking
And hope somehow you hear me and still love me
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