All these words
Swirling around in my head…

I have so much to say
But I don't know how

I feel like such a failure lately

All I've heard
Is how little I'm worth

And if it's such a popular opinion
Surely it's true

The only time
Anyone wants to listen to me
Is when my clothes fall on the floor
Piled on my dignity

You would think I'd be used to it
By now

I mean all I'm good for

All I've ever been good for

Is ***

I'm a pretty little toy
Used and discarded
Worthless
Unless I'm in bed

But still
I climb under those sheets

Just to feel like I matter
Even if it's only for a moment.

I'm drowning in this guilt
Drowning in my shame

Drowning just to feel
Alive

I have all these words
Swirling around in my head…

But they've never mattered,
And they never will.

I'm falling apart
And no one can see it

I've mastered the smile
The look of ease
Like I have no problems in the world.

The only thing that could give me away
Is the blood
Seeping through
Dripping on the outside
Of my jeans
Of my sleeves.

Everyone is so trained to
Ignore
The blood
That doesn't just stain…
It drips.

And yet
No one even notices.

It's the only sign
That I'm not okay.

That all of the words
They hurt.

That every action just confirms
My existence
As a toy
Solely for pleasing others.

I learned
Long ago
That no one cared
About me.

So why does that hurt so much
Now?

Why should I be surprised
That I'm imploding?

Why should I be surprised
That no one sees it?

Caught in this self destructive spiral

I know the decisions I'm making
Are the wrong ones
But that doesn't change them…
Hell,
Maybe that's why I made them.

My life is just one big **** up
I might as well
Follow the theme.

Or maybe it's some perverse
Desire
To unravel my life
To give myself a reason
To feel the way I do

I drink until I don't remember myself
I smoke until all the pain
Goes up in smoke
I slice open my skin
Open up my soul
And slip out

And while I've slipped out
Of this prison of flesh
Might as well let someone else slip in

Worry about the consequences later

Right now I just don't want to feel

So **** me
Get me drunk
Get me high
Pretend you don't see
Blood dripping

I'll pretend with you

One day
Maybe we can pretend me
Out of existence…

Until then

I'll stay
Caught in this self destructive spiral…

The storm clouds
gathering in the skies
are mirrored in her eyes.
And as the thunder rolls ever closer
she feels it in her soul,
each peal of thunder
barely drowning out the sound
of her memories,
each strike of lightning
illuminating them
for her to relive in terrifying clarity.

His voice,
always yelling;
the inevitable blows,
the way he knew just how
to break her down.
The way he still comes around
taking what he pleases from her,
forcing himself on her,
shattering her from the inside out...

She wants to let herself be happy
because he is gone
mostly
replaced by a man who loves her
unconditionally.

But,
like the storm,
she's just a ticking time bomb,
destroying everything in her wake
before disappearing
completely,
permanently.

Once upon a time
There was a tiny baby girl
And her parents loved her
And they loved each other
And they dressed her all in pink
And hugged and kissed her all the time
And she had everything she wanted and more

Once upon a time
There was a little girl
With big brown eyes
That everyone admired
And her mother loved her
But her parents didn't love each other anymore
And her father went away
And didn't speak to her anymore.
That was the year she got a new daddy
One who didn't stay out drinking
Or yell at her mommy
And he loved her
And let her wear his cowboy hat.
And her mommy and her new daddy loved each other
And they told her she was going to be a big sister.

Once upon a time
There was a little girl
With hair all cut short
Even though she cried and cried
Because she liked her long hair
And that was the year that her baby brother was born
But he only lived for 2 weeks
And her parents still loved each other
But her mother was sad
And her father was angry
And she was lonely
So they got 2 cats
And her nightmares stopped
And they moved away.

Once upon a time
There was a girl
Just starting high school
And getting noticed for the first time
That was the year a boy on her swim team
Gave her a ride to practice
But took advantage of her before they got there
And she was too ashamed to admit she didn't want to
So she took the fall for it
And her mother slapped her when she found out
And she thought it would be a good idea
To slice herself open
And bleed her pain out
And she had to go to the hospital
Where they stitched her up
And sent her to a counselor
Who listened but didn't really care
And her parents still loved each other
But she started to wonder how much they really loved her
And she had a new little brother
Who adored her
And so she just focused on him
And her grades
So she could get away.

Once upon a time
There was a girl
On her own for the first time in her life
Determined to find herself in college
Determined to be the person she could never be back home
That was the year that she became desperate for love
Desperate for a reason to keep going
Because she was tired
And she gave herself away
Time and time again
Hoping maybe someone could love her
But no one could
And she got pregnant
And had to move back home to her parents
After the father of her child
Tried to pressure her into getting an abortion
Even after she told him she couldn't live with it
And she took a bottle of sleeping pills
So she wouldn't have to live without her baby
But she and her baby were both fine
And she had a tiny baby girl of her own
Who needed her completely
And she finally had a reason to keep going.

Once upon a time
There was a girl
Who fell in love
And he loved her too
And he bought her a ring
And promised to marry her
And love her daughter as his own
And that was the year she learned that people lie
And the man she loved hurt her
And screamed at her
And made her believe that it was her fault
But she loved him
So she stayed
And he decided he didn't want to marry her after all
And he tried to **** her when he caught her packing
So she took her daughter and left
Even though she still loved him.

Once upon a time
There was a girl
Who got kicked out of her house
And she had no job
And no place to live
And her parents watched her daughter for her during the week
So that she could get on her feet again
And her friend let her stay with her
But her daughter started to confuse her with her parents
And she noticed how much better off she was with them
And she began to wonder if she was losing her
That was the year she felt her reason to keep going
Start to slip away.
That was the year she did despicable things for money
So she could provide for her daughter
And she realized how alone she really was
And the knife became her best friend once again
And she turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain
And she realized that she had only ever been good for one thing
But that apparently she wasn't even enough at that.

Once upon a time
There was a girl
But she was really more of a shell
Completely empty inside
So she filled herself with pills and *****
Kissed the beautiful baby girl goodbye for the last time
As the baby girl rode off with her parents
And she went into her bedroom
And finally
She gave up.

There are secrets I've never told you
I've never been brave enough
I don't know if I ever will.
The things that have been done to me…
The ways I've been used…

I'm filthy
I'm unclean
I wish I could scrub my very skin off
but even that wouldn't be enough.

I want to tell you about the night
that I passed out drunk
and woke up to someone having his way with me.

I want to tell you about the time
I experimented with a girlfriend of mine
and her husband decided he'd rather have me
even without my permission.

I want to tell you about my ex
who regularly did as he pleased with me
even after I told him no,
Or another ex
who decided that while I was already pinned down
he might as well try other things
that I very much did not want.

I want to tell you about the first time
I ever gave a *******,
how I didn't want to
but he made me do it,
and pushed me down until I choked.
How I was only 16 when that happened.

I want to tell you about the time I lost my virginity
to a boy who took me to his house
instead of swim practice
and held me down until he finished
before taking me to practice
late
with the proof of what he had done
still covering my skirt.

I want to tell you these things
and how they've hurt me,
how they've changed who I am.

I want you to understand why
some days
I can't get out of bed.

I want you to understand
these scars on my wrists
and why I felt like that was my only option.

I want you to know me
in this way that no one else does.
But these are the words I will never be able to speak.
These are the secrets that will die with me
hardened into a ball of ice where my heart used to be.

These are my demons
and mine alone.

Living my life in a perpetual state of half sobriety
It's easier to keep going this way.

The alcohol keeps me sane,
The **** keeps me calm.

I've lost so much
I don't have the will to keep going.
I don't have the desire to remember
Because all the memories bring is pain.

Sometimes I forget what sober feels like
And that's fine by me…
If I could never be sober again,
I don't think I'd mind.

I want to forget the disaster
That has become my life.
I don't want to feel
Anything
Ever again.

I've got slices in my wrist,
Words carved on my thigh,
And a self hatred deeper than the ocean.

If I could go to sleep and not wake up
It would be a blessing.

Living my life in a perpetual state of half sobriety
It's the only way for me to keep going.

Her eyes tell a story
That will never pass her lips
To speak it means it's real
And denial is all she has
So she buries the pain
Lets it harden
And the coldness within her soul
Keeps her going.

My demons have arrived
They are beating down my door

You told me our demons could play
And like a fool
I believed you

I should have known what would happen

I should have known all my demons would do
Is bring yours down to my level.

I see you crumbling in front of me

I hear the words coming out of your mouth
That match the words in my mind

The ones I'm too afraid to speak.

And I understand
Implicitly
That this is
On some level
My fault.

I knew you were hurting
And I tried to be here for you.

But you tried to do the same for me
And it's too late
To save me.

All I've done is brought you down.

Every day
I'll have to live with
What I've done to you.

All I've ever wanted to do
Is help.

But all I do is hurt.

I can't keep going this way.

I don't deserve to be here.

You deserve the world;
You deserve so much.

I'm so sorry.
For everything.

Because my demons have arrived.
They're beating down my door.
And I'm going with them.

I'm steadily carving my feelings away
Every cut a little deeper
Just one more slice of the blade
Every time.

It's getting worse
I know it is
But I can't stop.

I don't want to stop.

I'd rather feel the physical pain
Than the chaos inside.

These poems
The paper and ink
That used to give such relief
Don't work anymore

I write because I need to someone to know
Why I'm slowly slipping away

I need someone to know
Before I lose myself to the gleaming blade

Because I can't stop

I won't stop

Until every last feeling has been etched away
Onto this canvas of skin