.to have gained so much through a process of loss is a meandering truth to my life. the relationships i build, manufacture..become processed. an unreal version of the way life was supposed to be. for me anyways. where has the real "grit" gone to. the granules of momentum in mind and heart. to be willing to overcome the self pity, to go the distance, to be you. i look around, peer into the eyes of others and see a smog. a stream of tar. thick with loathing and disdain. for what reason do we allow ourselves to become these wandering entities? we do not deserve this life, this body, this chance if we are going to let it become stagnant, flat, static. i much rather let reclusive acts take me away, than to be consumed in the negativity, the natural downturn. don't grasp onto the cruel aspects of life, live through them and continue by appreciating the grace that has been given to you through such turmoils. love whom you choose to love with all of your sacred heart. you have an endless pit of this emotion as long as you are strong enough to witness the miracle of forgiveness. be one with you. be you. dont leave pieces of you lying about. you are the morning the after noon, the evening and the night. the blossoming sun, and the face in the moon. you are eternity if you wish upon it. wish.

I have just finished reading your letter and am in complete rapture to your words and your being. I am compelled to write to you, and write to you, and write to you. And in these words and simple letters, re-live our passion and create it all anew for the rest of time. I felt you so deeply today...
Before the call, I sat nervous awaiting for you to spend the day with me...awaiting a still day, a sad day, a breaking of myself...but it turned out unexpected though in all of today's chaos, it unfolded as more than I could have ever asked for. As unfortunate as the situation unraveled...today I saw your strength, I saw everything I wish I be in you. I saw the other half of me stand tall, remain still, carry the fear inside her like a secret and I am left bewilderd by you. The intensity of the day, now as I sit back and remember vividly every uttered word and every action, has exhausted me but in the most grateful of ways. I feel full, full of new understandings and needless to say, full of you. I soaked in what I could of you. I've memorized every curve of your face, counted every delicate lash, fixated amongst each ring of your eye when the sunlight falls in and engages within them...and yet still, now as you lay miles away from me I wish to imprint these gifts deeper inside me, I wish for more. The smell of you surrounds me in this very moment, making it all the more intoxicating, the smell of the cleanest ocean...
Your tears liberated me, as I so desperately wished to be released from my physical body and to be swept into you, literally. Holding you close I felt everything within you, and I hope you felt the pull of me. I wanted only to stay in your arms for the rest of my days, to lie in bed again with you once more and spend it still curled in our form as the morning flooded in your window. I've remembered everything. And as I listened to you speak of your new relationship...parts of me crumbled. Many parts, parts of my own emotion but more so parts of yours. Because I know what it is you need, I know what it is to sustain you, I know what you deserve. And although she means well within her posture, and she is overflowing with passion and working to bring you nearer...she lacks something strong. To hear of your frustrations parts of me die...I envy where she stands for I cannot yet be there. But I rest assured that one day I will soon be able to be what it is I wish to be for you. Able, independent, mobile...happy. And for now, I wish only the best for you and her. Because I want to see you smiling. This has all unraveled as it should, this has all unraveled as it should. Many things must first take course... for the both of us.

You are all I have dreamed of. Everything I seek...I cannot even handle it inside myself what a more perfect fit. You will always be the one.
..


From me: To you (The last of a series)
the last week has been nothing but utter confusion for my soul. a new soul in different forms has seemed to be fulfilled with a new face of time, a new ticking of my multiple clocks. as i read your letter i felt similarities. i knew what you would write to me if you were to even write at all. i remember seeing you the first day, as i walked in from the rain and attempting to act as though we were in different places and following separate steps. i spoke to you and i wished it never to end, suprised i was even within a distance to touch you. un knowing of why you accepted the actualization of me infront of you. supportive of one another, setting advice and stories in our ears. i wished to not step beyond your doorstep. a hug and a kiss on your warm cheek nearly tore me. and a kiss from you set me back 100 flights of upwards motion. heart baffled and feet unsteady, as they had always been for you..as i had almost forgot them being. so tired had i become of this stability within my bones, till i met you. i felt the oceans pounding me weak within your gaze.
as the events of the other day unfolded as terribly as they did all i could think , was you were the only one that would hold me fast to my mind. keep me one and fill me with the strength to pull myself above it all. slide your hand within mine and give me a release. when i watched you walking towards me i saw myself, the confidence in your eyes for me that you knew you would make it all..ok, dealable, better within me and my soul. it all felt as old. it was as if it was not the last moments together, we were just..us. laughing, being "stupid", talking ****, keeping ourselves withing our own jokes..it was all just there without any drawing of the past.
the drive back was the turning point of it all. heart breaking my weak ribs as twigs under a mountain.
of her i did not expect to speak but i needed to show you my honesty in a matter i knew you had already known well. i am in many places at once. on one hand she has the capability to give me everything else i could want including such an immense love that i have never been given in such a way..but knowing i have your soul, for now anyways, seems to set everything else aside. her words come out garbled when trying to make a point and i cannot trust her to decypher my meaning in my motions, in my puzzled words, in the language of my body and the emotions i need to thrive within this world. you say you have no jealousy but it is a lie within yourself. you know what you wish to have and it is what she has for me. she has parts of this body but can never consume all that you have..just look at what you are now and imagine what you will be by the time you are my age..you will have more than anyone could ever give me in any aspect and you know this as well as i. others will bide our time, create new motions for our ink to flaunt on paper, give us the tools we need for our new forms of art and then we are forced to move to the next and destroy them unwantingly. we wish not to hurt the others around us but it is what we have been created to do..we have always known this..and i believed it would be a continuation of my life, and had come to terms with it years ago..until i looked into your eyes and found the last sentence of my novel. i will suffer the pain of a thousand burning suns, the pain of a life full of slow torture when you find the next person in your life..to know they will only know you from the outside and never be able to understand what you are..because they have not the other part of my soul to understand what you have been as a whole. they will see your eyes, though not past the glare of their own reflection. feel your skin, but not able to grow new parts of you upon them with every brush. kiss your lips, but never fear they may suddenly be sewn into you. nor change the world with you in a single moment. they will all be the "rest of the world." they will all be the pawns on the maps we use to find the way in ourselves to get back to each other.
i broke in front of you. to look at my soul. to see through her eyes the way i had always wished to . to see without you having to say..that you loved me, that you hurt. tears unleashed, falling on every velvet fashion of you. i saw more of your form than i had ever seen in those few moments that lasted. the way your hair always smelled, the edges of each freckle on your face, the curve of your smile when i made you laugh, the heat of your hands on the back of my neck and the small of my back, the dapples dancing around your pupils, how your breath felt against my fingers as you shut your eyes and kissed them, seeing me break and grabbing hold of me as to take the pain away from my core..to feel me and take on the load of emotion, and memorizing each angle of your lips as they sank into mine.
as i read in your letter that you loved me i melted. to see what i had seen in your eyes now in two forms of the best kind. to say again, it as if we are in a world of war. separated by strife and harsh people, harsh mindsets, stagnant exhistances. love letters sent over a sea of pawns in this war, some battles won, others lost, stale-mate at times, and long periods of lost connection. though when the war inside has been won, once the baracades of our cores have fought through it all, blockades dismantles, and the survivor, the warrior, the overcomer has found their way back to the homeland of eachothers souls..then the most beautiful beginnings in their lives will become an actualization. the universe will give us upon the deserving and all the pieces will mold what it had been cast years before.
we are it....
. we are the truth that the world has been seeking, and the hope that it has been wishing for. we are the dream they have every night, and the novel they is seen only in themselves when they close their eyes. we have opened our eyes, we accept and see and cannot wait to grow within and for one another. you are my gift, what i have searched for in my soul. you are my entire consuming force.
you are the one. you are the love of my life. and for now, the one that got away.

- I love you

.
i had begun this story a millenia ago.

the novels so defined that even diamonds could not shape its edges any further.

mindset of winders worries,

and a heart that builds monuments upon itself.

to the ages of timber i have rested,

within the cinder of burial grounds we have fallen before.

to see the sight of death and life in so many contorting angles is to breathe the cornel from beneath the husk.

we all love,

though to love the way that we have been gifted may also become our curse.

to house the hearts of thousands within your own may prove to become infertile with each task you have peered upon.

the turmoils of hidden dreams and lusts of past lovers proves to be less than static.

white noise of saphire breezes brings forth the shadows of time.

to here i rest my soul,

to these blades i lay my being.

the smell of memories can hinder the scent of the now.

appreciate those futile moments,

the frivelous bounty of desire.

love the sound of her voice as it carries through the sails of premonition,

steer the vessel of the body within the revines of her eyes.

to you i share the utmost calibration of this life,

and the life you lead will be in the steps i have previously taken.

i have sprinkled you across the ripples of the Chesapeake,

and whispered the hynm we both hummed on those streets.



your sun shone upon me this day,

and now, my sun shall shine on me in the morrow.

.your jealous words

will make a fool of you.

unstable.

creating that bubble of security.

talked into it.

talked out of it

concussed and confused.

the truth lies south.

the world changes and anger ensues those whom have lost themselves.

in losing what i thought was a drop of serenity, humanity, singularity,

i found what i had been missing.

i found the most profound feeling in my mind again,

reazlizing what i was supposed to be filling my life with.

it was the most beautiful of temporary spells.

descrete in meaning,

overwhelming in form.

i reached that treasure in my heart that i had lost to the pirates of time so many moments ago.

reached out my palms and let the time flow through my fingertips.

the unatainable love for life had been captured and caged.

my reality is full and quenched.

so rare,

i describe to you.

silken petals drawing in all the waves of the world,

the things ive lost create the realization of what i really have inside my cup.

im jolting through the golden fields,

swimming gracefully through the torrents of the sea.

calm.

breathing seems to calm the harshest seconds passing through.

emotions sturred, whipped, beat like the yolk of desert.

in the end it rises.

the last ingredient in realization for the now.

this is the most beautiful day the world has ever presented my entity with,

and tomorrow, well the morrow shall wait up for me and give the next gift for mine eyes.

exitement inhales.

my words spill as the paint on your canvas.

i am my reality.

possibility.

.Your eyes perceived me so,
Indefinite caress of sight.
Beyond all pronunciation,
you have been created for us.

We sit.
We tossed words too and fro,
Much more welcoming to speak once underneath a liquid spell.
Hands soft as an autumn breeze,
that I wish to have my eternity drapped within.
You stare at me gently,
Pupils dilated and doe eyed.
the movements of your body cut through the surrounding air, as does the scent which adorns you.
Sweet bitters shiver through every sense.
Conjure in me so the long lasting text of everlasting, of wanting, of dreams.
Scarce passion flutters behind your smile,
Tiger eyes smile.
You feel like sunshine.
Dazed images sweep across your lips to mine,
Your hands grazing the forefront of my neck.
Like sugar plums beneath the crimson soil of your heart,
I have unearthed the solitude.
I paired glances as we passed through hours of farewells.
I would join you upon this day,
Within this painted breeze.
I would hold this..I will hold this.
Sanctuary in your dreams,
you are the light in the darkness.

.You are the only person you will ever be able to truly count on.

You are it.

You are the beginning and the end of your fate.

Your mind will be your soul companion.

Your heart will be the leader of your actions.

You are alone, and there is nothing that will shun that reality.

Face it and look towards the stars.