I am like a golden orb weaver
Tall and rather lanky
Thin and strong
Fierce bite if you let it get to that
Weaving my webs hoping to attract the things i want most (for the orb weaver, probably food)
But for me
The person i can simply refer to as paradise
No fear
Only Anxiety over physical contact
The very thought of that possibility stretching my mind to encompass a new thing
Hope
Oh how I've missed that
Painful silence broken by whispers asking if I'm okay and if i can hold back the panic attack long enough for a kiss
We'll see, my beautiful paradise
Because after all this time i still don't think i can hold anything back from from the best listener i have come across in ages
And I'm afraid I'm going to drive you away with the relivings of painful memories
Thank you for staying this long to try to help the mess i am
My webs have started to degrade in quality as i starve myself endlessly of water
But you must see something fine in them
To go near them to look, and touch, but never get stuck as you seem to know how to play into the non sticking threads
I hope you can manage to get to the middle where I'm sitting listening and feeling the thrum thrum thrum of the wind blowing into my low quality web making it sound like something much more sinister
I never know how to end these poems

The hour a day we spent together in the back seat of the bus was all I needed to stay sane
It killed the anxiety of going home
Your head in my lap and my hands in your hair
And your blue eyes
Your quiet singing when a song you knew came on
Or loud singing when wrecking ball came on
Or your getting up when you were getting in an argument
And the hugs when I was getting off
And the neck nibbles
All helped me want to die less
You kept me on the edge for 9 months
When I could have been over it
I was a little addicted
Now I realize
You're being a brat about me not being around anymore
You're mad because you don't get the king of body heat by your side
Or the constant affection
Or overwhelming patience
Or feeling like someone needs you for something other than cigarettes
I'm sorry I had to want to die less

My heart is so big
But I would have to pack it with bubble wrap with how much you care
To fill the emptiness
The plastic cuts will hurt
But it's worth it to have something of you with me
Like a sweatshirt for my heart

Rj, why do you like that weird sound music?
I like how it sounds. And it doesn't make me feel sad like your taste in music does.
I like my music because it makes me FEEL things. Anything is better than nothing.*
I like how my music sounds.
Fine. Don't complain about my music when yours sounds like a dying accordion.
Hmmph
I like you because you make me feel safe and happy and cared for-
-and now like six months later-
**Rj pretends I never existed

My #2
Consistently
Even two years ago before I ever started flirting and you wouldn't take a ******* hint
I will forever be grateful to you for staying up with me on a call until I passed out to make sure I wouldn't hurt myself in the middle of the night
And always dropping other things to play **** games with me because they made me happy
And listening to me rant about animal (especially bug) mating habits
And how everything ******
And gaming
And halo reach
I swear to god the stars haven't looked the same
I enjoy everything so much more (given I do have more freedom now that I moved in with mom)
I named at least four different animals after you but this last one, ale eggs, lost his family and I'm just hoping you don't succumb to the same fate  
I know you got jealous about tanner and angry about Eric since he threatened me with the thing I'm most afraid of after needles and you know it and he knows it
If you took a ******* hint both of us would have been happier sooner
And now thanks to my selfish ***** needs it might all fall apart just when I'm close enough to meet you and it's killing me
I have been waiting years to hug you it would **** me if you decided you didn't want me now
I'll never love anyone so much I remember so much about them
I'm sorry I was a selfish ***** ****** please forgive

Gray skies and wonderful icy blue eyes
The trees are turning red and yellow and perfect orange hair
The bears and I are fattening up for winter
I've been eating almost constantly for the past week
I wonder if it's anxiety about being forced to do things almost always
Or knowing that I've never be an entemologist
Or knowing that I'll never be a mom because I'm incredibly unlovable
But I do know that right now
Is absolutely not the worst part of my life
That's passed (probably)

If I could teach you anything
It would be to draw
Or write poetry
Turn your thoughts and feelings into art
Make someone feel something
Someone other than me at least
You don't know how to handle your emotions any better than I do
There are no likable qualities you have other than overwhelming body heat
And you've done something horrible recently
You won't tell me
But I can tell by the way you react
You're more angry with you than anyone else is
I'm so sorry sweetie
You deserve it

and I have to wonder
If you meant
What you said
Or if they were just
hickeys
Sweet at first
But made to leave bruises

If your fingertips could heal scratches
If your mouth could heal bruises
If your fat could heal my heart
I never would have left
You to deal with my dad
Even if I had more to be afraid of
Despite what you thought
He wouldn't have killed you
I wish you wouldn't be such a **** now
And go back to healing instead of hurting

I thought that maybe if someone else thought I was worth something
For my mind or body or anything
I would begin to like myself for the first time since 3rd grade
But alas
I still haven't figured it out

I changed everything I could
My hair is short and red now
I love it
I love it
I love it
I've always wanted to have short hair
It's way more comfortable
Too bad you hate it
Go back to ignoring me

Maybe I wouldn't always feel so lost if I didn't depend on other people for my happiness
Or if I didn't depend on people for feeling like I belong anywhere when I know I don't

I mean come on
I love spiders
And I want those weird creatures from the cigarette commercials so I can breed an army
I watched all of the wrong turn movies before I turned 12 with either a straight face or a smile
I have severe ptsd
Apparently I'm slightly murderous
I can't get over the fact that my bones will always stick out and I hate it

My dad won't let me get shots that prevent cancer
Or all the other basic shots
Or birth control even if I almost pass out every time I'm on my period because I lose so much blood

I had to mother my older brother because no one else had the patience to
My dad hated that he couldn't remember ****
He wouldn't try to teach him things again after three tries
Or he would start beating him or yelling loud enough to hear a mile away

My dad wants me to prove I can do it on my own but he keeps setting me up to fail
Well ******* dad so far I'm WINNING
I get to be me
I get to play with the bugs and listen to music that makes me happy loud enough not to let me sleep
I get to pick up rocks and look at them because I am so genuinely fascinated by everything in nature
I was never allowed to collect cicada shells before now
Do you know how cool cicadas are?
There's annual cicadas which are a generation per year probably
And then there's the ones that live in the ground longer than the average dog lives
And then just for the rest of that summer
17 years for one summer

Maybe Rj would be happier if I was dead
I mean probably
He hates me for me making my life better than his
He should work on that

Your voice will never leave my head
Just like how you can never un-rip my hair
Or un-burn my drawings
Or un-empty my soul and **** my will
You can't
Just
Leave

4am
Whispered sobs and hopeless wall punching
Tired spamming
Never changes
5am
Half hour before usual wake up time
Forcing myself to calm down for the six and a half second i talk in the morning

5:30am
Says Goodmorning in a neutral voice
Goes to shower

5:30-5:42
Mini sobs that are barely audible to me
Gets shower done
Plays with hair
Saves ladybugs

6:03
Leaving the bathroom to go downstairs to scratch away with short nails for the next ten minutes

6:14
Goes back upstairs to get ready until a minute before the bus gets here
Seems calm and collected on the bus and the rest of the day

Oh how i love the morning routine

I never thought
that i would love something so much
but you've proven that i can
with us constantly adoring each other

why would you love me so much
i should let you go
but you won't go
and i still don't know why

it would be for your own good

As i break out of the prison of my own creation
Time slows
And I think about the unforgettable moment i saw you for the first time
I honestly thought you were a very pretty girl
My mistake
And all of the other unforgettable moments on the bus with your head on my lap and my hands running through your hair as i sang to you and talked to you about all the best memories before you
And all of the worst ones
I made you check my back for bruises after i was smashed into a door so hard the doorknob hit just the right spot and i crumpled to the floor
And I was kicked from there since my attacker was much too lazy to get me to stand up
I learned not to fight back
Even when i was being choked because one of my friends boyfriends tried to cheat on her with me
And all of the times I've spent dangerously alone
And about my dogs
And the ducks
And all the cool animals I've been around
And everything
You told me I'm too young for suicide attempts
I told you you're way too young to chewing tobacco
And we were both right
And I said i love you
But you don't even like me back
Why have you been dating people who just want to ******* while you were lonely when i want to love you and feed your fat ***
I don't understand
Maybe I'm just weird
Ugh
And I end up walking right back into the prison because it feels safer

you're not even going to start smoking for a good reason*
I feel less stressed out when I'm in pain
the smoking doesn't cause direct pain
I'll put it out on my arm
that'll scar
I'm not sure if I care. I might finally be able to balance the scar count
is your ocd that bad?
No
then why the balance
I feel better that way
you won't feel better when you have throat cancer
Eh maybe
please don't do this to yourself
I can at least try not to. No promises
*fine

I wish we could reach the same page
But it's like I'm an encyclopedia
And you're the hunger games
I'm writing my emotions to life
And you're screaming at cars and smoking cigarettes
I know it'll never be like it used to be
I just wish you would go back to ignoring me, at least

I never realized that an entire universe could be contained in blue eyes

Or that i would be so completely enchanted by them

Burning with an eternally educated mind.
Expressing her expansive thoughts with experience but not enthusiasm.
Enchanted by her eyes and energy to emphatise with excrements.
I hope she evaluates this a day in May.
Evidence of affection as the words he knows grows empty.
The extra effort and eager exitement from this enthusiastic male from Norway.
Her name is Ellie May.
Expressing my emotions to this damsel West of Maine.

I am a really mean person
But that does not mean i cannot be kind
I am absolutely fabulous
But mostly because I'm gay as ****. Girls doe
I am very scared
I am anxious
I am lonely
I am loved
But not by anyone here

I was innocent
At one point
I was scarless
Until quite recently
I was able to do calculus
A few years ago
I was productive and active
But I've lost motivation and energy
Motivation is kind of energy
I was nice
I was quiet
I was good
Back in fourth grade
I was smart
But now not so much
I know lots of random facts
But that's not very useful in today's society
Ugh

As I go down this hill on my bike
I put my hands on my thighs
And maintain balance
And as the adrenaline rush comes in
Time slows
I have time to think
Is it worth it to do a small lean into oncoming traffic
To me it is
To my friends
Not so much
Well
I'll wait for a week

I love you

As the blood drips from my veins i swear i am nothing

I love you

As the held back tears are finally released i swear i am hopeless

I love you

As one song plays on repeat and sketchy scribbles on used to be crumpled paper forms
I swear to everything innocent
I love you

If my future didn't seem so bleak and your presence so fleeting i probably wouldn't be like this

If my life hadn't  been so violently shoved to the brink of dehydration and starvation in the thought of my own doing
I probably wouldn't be like this

As i type these words i think of the night sky and all of the stars that aren't even there anymore
As i type these words i think of all of the stuttered i love you's
And all of the stern don't do that again's
And all of the 'you're a worthless *****!'s

And I realize
That all of this
Is just the beginning
I'm not sure if i want to see the end
I want to create it

While the words sink in and the fingers couldn't possibly be bitten more and the slashes couldn't be more painless i want to know
Why
Couldn't
You
Be
Here

Minecraft calls
And gta parties
Horrible races
Repetitive insanity
Midnight laughter fits
Midnight promises of forever
Midday I love you's
3 o'clock it'll be okay
Daily please don't hurt yourself
Weekend need
Constant no interest in what I look like
Even if we were on video calls constantly
Sentence finishing
Food envy
Parent envy (at least you had one good one)
Horrible cry-fests
Constant panic spamming
Insane laughter with horrible puns
i'm done with references
Why are you ignoring me
You are the love of my life