http://hellopoetry.com/ellie-the-heartache/

I woke up at 4:08 this morning
and i've felt like **** all day
i really really wish i hadn't woken up

I wish i had the lifespan of an english setter
because according to body size, they shouldn't live past 15
i'm 15 now

happy 2015 folks

Okay listen
you know what's been going on lately
you know what's gone wrong
you know why i'm so tired
you know i want to be gone

my lips are dry
my voice is constantly cracking
i have a massive headache
i'm probably dehydrated again
i'm still singing songs with this cracking voice

i now know when i gave up on teamwork
i wonder what brought that about
fourth grade
the year i won something
possibly the only one

in an activity i'm not allowed to do anymore
because i have bad grades
it makes so much sense
taking away the only sport i enjoy
to get me to be productive

you're telling me to stop taking the blows for everyone
what if i can't stop
what if i still care so much that i refuse to let them hurt themselves and others
except for one
he can go **** himself

you don't think you're around enough
but that's not true
if the circumstances don't allow you to be around enough for your standards
that's too bad
you're around enough for mine

you're afraid you're not good enough
even if you're the best person in my life right now
i've said it so much
i figured you'd believe me by now
i guess we have the same problem

you're afraid you'll get too attached
and then lose me
that one i can't argue with
you might
i'm lost anyway

you're sick
i'm sick in the harder to fix way
i'm still afraid to look in the mirror
but if i don't my hair will look worse
and we both know how much i hate my hair already

if i knew what to do
i would have done it already

you feel more like home
than the place i've lived in for 15 years

Crying out in a world where no one listens

My last battle cry is never heard
it's read

I think that you should listen to my pleas
because sometimes it's for more than something petty
it's a plea for my sanity
a plea for all that is me

ALRIGHT
I am
so
*******
about ferguson and all of that
the protesting
i fully support the protesting
the teargas
i don't
**** the teargas
the protesting
is being done
because an unarmed black teenager
was murdered
by a cop
and a 12 year old black boy
was playing with a TOY GUN
and he was shot to death
I AM SO *******
LET'S START ANOTHER CIVIL WAR
FOR PRETTY MUCH THE SAME REASON AS THE FIRST CIVIL WAR
THE COPS STILL WALK FREE
AFTER KILLING
UNARMED BLACK CHILDREN
TELL ME WHY I SHOULDN'T BE *******

Purple is the color of royals
And it's one of the only colors i hate almost every shade of
But you
My king
I love it on

One was old battering scars and fear and intense fiery need to love
One was profanity and repitition and gentleness
One was protective and hatred and country music
One was quiet and sweet and hugged back
And she fell for them all
Including herself
With help from the other three

What am i
What am i
What am i
What am i
I don't know
Do you?
Apparently I'm nice
And loving
And careful
And motherly
And funny
And perf
But I don't see that
I see
I'm tired
And scared
And lonely
And frustrated
And angry

Are we seeing different people?

The worst possible thing you could do is leave
Because I'll have to completely detatch myself
And ignore your presence
For months on end
Just to get back to neutrality

Why
Do I always have to tell you to be safe
The other one not so much
But apparently you've gotten drunk
I'm not going to try to get you to stop
Even though i should
I just want you to not drive
Why
Do I always have to tell you
To stay happy
I don't need to
You seem so much happier than i am already
I want you to be happy
And safe
But that's hard
Love you

Oh
How i love
The night sky
Any time of the year
The beauty
And near impossible vastness
Forever expanding
And the infinite possibilities
And the wonder of life
And the lovely dates
And the deep conversations
Or just quietly sitting
Or writing
Or trying to copy the stars down on paper since ipod pics don't do the magnificence justice
Or imagining what your life would be like somewhere else
On a different planet
Far away from earth
I wonder if the souls would be the same, just distributed into a different physical form
Oh how i love the night sky

Dear
I would like for you to view me as i view you
Affectionate
Even if you don't like to admit it
Funny
In the most stupid way
Perfect
Even when you're huge
And you can't get your beard to grow quite right
And you know even more ways to **** someone than i do
Gentle
Even if you'd prefer not to
You can't stop yourself though
Thinks I'm fragile
Thats all you
But what would i be?

I would like you to delve into the Lego box that is my soul
And tell me which piece you like best

Eric
You chubby Mexican
We argue
About the most stupid things
Online
But when we're together
I
Feel
So
free
And
safe
And
less frustrated
Too bad we can't be near eachother for more than a few minutes at a time

you know
I'm not really sure if I'm a ****** or not.
There's nothing there
But I've never been on someones ****
How troubling*

HA I KNEW IT
YOU HARLET

-Argument starts-

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Get in my bed
I wanna *******
Like the government

You chubby Mexican
I love you with every bit of me that's left
I love how gentle you are
Despite your size
And how carefully you place your words
Since you know I'm just looking for something to argue about
And how romantic you are
Even if you don't like to show it
And you're the only person i can stand with no verbal filter
Since you're always grammatically correct with it

lovely nervous baby
Doesn't know how to react to me
Lovely beautiful man, time to change the font•
you can do whatever you want
Lovely perfect boy
I hope I'm not  just a *toy

I forgive you for not knowing what to do
I forgive you for telling me you had to go because one of your friends wasn't okay
I forgive you for feeling inadequate
I forgive you for my problems

Because you shouldn't have said sorry for any of them

Of course you wouldn't know what to do, we haven't spent enough time together
Your friend was really upset and i wasn't, she mattered more
Sweetie, feeling that way is normal. Don't say sorry
Not your fault at all. Don't say sorry

Do you really want me?
I don't
What part do you want?

You were all that I aspired to catch in life
Someone that  would sing me fall out boy
Or Vanessa Carlton
It didn't matter to you
Not to me either
Lovely
I miss it

The few things you'll never know
Are the things I don't know anymore either

Because I've forgotten them
Either for a good reason or not

Blind to my fading color
Deaf to my screams
Untouchable to my grasp
Can't smell the iron
Can't taste the regret
Can't sense the sorrow

I love him more
Than he will ever like me

The first time we met
I refused to wear a dress
Because they're uncomfortable to me

You were with my friends
Also yours apparently
Makes sense, you're in their grade

The first time i heard you talk
I swear i developed a small crush instantly
Such a soft voice and adorable face


  sigh*

Ugh
ugh
**UGH

The Truth is that i absolutely love everything you do
You hands
Weathered and scarred
are the most important part
You're afraid to put them near me
In case i flinch
Your smile
is great
No matter how Mexican you look
White *** teeth though
It's still nice to see

There is nothing as painful
For the only two people involved
Than a giant crush
On the other person
After months
Of being able to make her laugh
And being reasonable
And laughing about stupid whining
And letting her bother you about stupid things that she cared about
And worrying about her dogs
Even if you don't like dogs
Saying up extra hours
Being a perfect *******
And you still feel

*nothing

Put yourself on lockdown
Don't fall for people
Until they make you laugh and smile
Even when you're really upset

Put yourself on lockdown
Because emotion is for squares
conceal
Don't feel

Just don't like anyone guys

Apparently I say the same thing too much
Apparently I don't express emotion outwardly
Apparently i spent too much time alone
Apparently I shouldn't be waking up 15 times a night
Apparently my voice should be loud enough to hear over the roar of a bus
Apparently my blind hatred for people ruins things
Apparently
Apparently
Apparently

Theres this one tree
At my house
I think it's maple
That always takes forever for all it's leaves to at least turn red
And it waits
Until the first snowfall
To drop any leaves
This is my favorite season
The tree
Is beautiful
And I used to take pictures of it
But now i don't because i don't find it worth the effort
What have i dooone
Ugh
Trees

The sound of a knife
Grating against the edge of another knife
Is one of the best sounds to me
It distracts me like almost nothing else can
-shhhhhnk-
The flow of red
After you fall
While messing with the knives
Is one of the best liquid colors I'll ever see in my life
-shhhhhnk-
The loss of breath
And heavy chest
And heavy arms
Wait that's just me feeling weak
Sorry
Bye

Your eyes remind me of oceans, yes
But that's too cheesy
Your eyes remind me of the night sky when theres only a few light thin clouds
That's still too cheesy
Your eyes remind me of winter sunsets
Still too cheesy
Your eyes remind me of the smell of Chinese food
Gross
Your eyes remind me of the vibrant colors of the partially white corn snakes
Weird
Your eyes remind me of why I don't give up
Ahh
Perfect

The sound of your voice
Could lull me to sleep
Not because it's boring
but because it's relaxing enough for me to go to sleep normally

When my leg used to shake
because you were too close
but there was no more space left to move
It was in excitement and nervousness

You would put your ridiculously warm hand on my knee
and it would feel warm for a little while
You wanted it to stop shaking
but you wouldn't force it

Your singing
that i've heard
is quiet
and rather croakish

It sounded terrible and wonderful
It was country music
I was listening to fall out boy
You were listening to country

Such different music preferences

I need some pictures of you and I
So at least i can document the few times I've been happy
And i can look back on it
when i'm at my lowest
So i can say
"I would miss that."
even if it's only to myself
and then eat some ice cream to drown out the emotions
and try not to watch any star trek episodes with Spocks Mother

I'm addicted to the tracing you do with your fingertips
i'm addicted to the calluses all over your palms
I'm addicted to the almost burning of your arms
i'm addicted to the fist to forehead bump that you do
i'm not sure if it's to comfort me, or to comfort you
I'm addicted to the warmth that passes onto me every time we make contact
I'm addicted to every touch you've ever made on me

Everyone says that eyes are a window to a mans soul
but for me
your eyes are the window to peace
Every staring contest we've ever had
helped me for weeks

I've been working on going away forever for a few years now
but i can't leave you
not yet

I skipped both picture days at school because things were going bad
and i didn't want to be remembered
looking
tired and sad and rather dead

That
would be
a nightmare


my eyes have sunken in a little bit
due to feeling emotionally drained all the time
and then feeling physically drained

Give me your hand
feel my emotion coursing through my arm and down my fingers
Feel the intense fear whenever anyone says home
Feel everything i feel when i'm in a crowded place

Feel the pain

You are the cutest poem i have ever read
Constructed so imperfectly perfect
Your eyes
are like oceans
despite the fact that they're dark brown
Your hands are scarred
Your neck has been bitten too hard, and it left a mark
you dyed your hair so many colors i don't know whether to be surprised or not the next time around
We've sent so many messages
and talked so many times
but still said nothing 90% of the time
I Love You
and
I'm Sorry

The fear in my voice
is so prominent
when i tell you i don't want to go home

no one else listens
or i'm too afraid to show them
my fear

i am afraid of everything
but that fear leaves when i'm near you
all except for going home

Take me with you