don't you want me?* isn't that what you wrote?
the very same day you stuck your tongue down my throat?
no i don't want you. i thought in my head
but the look on your face made me freeze with dread
i was too scared to speak, let alone write
so i left the page blank, i left the page white
your pick-up lines sounded more like threats
not running away will forever be my biggest regret
and you mistook my silence for an invitation
it was my body on which you took out your frustrations

no.

i struggled against you, scared and alone
thoughts of your intentions chilled me to the bone
i shivered and cried and i wanted to scream
my fragile mind was falling apart at the seams
as much as i sobbed and called out for help
it seemed no one heard any of my yells
and you drove me to silence with one cruel look
and i shut my mouth while i wept and i shook
you left me ravaged and broken and as good as dead
but still i picked up the pieces and only looked straight ahead

no.

when i stumbled home late in the night
my parents exclaimed that i had filled them with fright
do you know what could have happened? was the question they asked
and god knows that i did, but i didn't feel like being harassed
so i kept myself quiet and let my light fade away
everywhere i went i felt like some predator's prey
i couldn't feel safe no matter where i went
until the day i learned that i wasn't broken; i was just bent
i learned to be tough by forcing myself to move on
i looked my reflection in the eye and told myself to be strong
i slowly but surely got past my constant state of woe
my only regret is not saying *no.

Do not stand at my grave and weep..
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft star-shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry..
I am not there. I did not die.

look at me
don't walk away
why can't you see?
why can't you stay?

i'm begging, please
don't leave me here
i'm on my knees
don't you dare disappear

i love you so
don't you love me?
please don't you go
please don't you flee

why are you going
so far away?
you're always growing
and i'm always the same

so i guess it makes sense
you're better than me
i put up a good defense
and you're sick and tired of dodging debris

"i miss you" you say, but do you even know me?
we were friends for so long, but that's ancient history.
life's not about nostalgia or reliving our past,
it's all about now, moving forward and fast.
the moment is fleeting, so let's just move on,
i'll always love those green eyes and your favorite song,
but we've been holding on to those memories for way too long.

"i miss you" i say, as i think of all that we shared,
but what i really miss is having someone who cared.
i don't know who you are, our connection is gone
what we miss are the people we were before it went wrong.
i remember each tear that i shed and the lies that i told,
i remember that it was you who i used to hold,
and i remember that together we learned how to be bold.

"i love you" you said, but could you say that now?
do you remember the night in your bed when you made that vow?
you said we'd be friends forever, but that's a big word.
we still hadn't learned that you have to scream to be heard.
and we still shared everything, from secrets to food,
we whispered about your sister with the bad attitude,
we didn't know that within the year, our friendship would conclude.

"i love you" i said, and now i don't know who you are.
i miss the nights in your yard spent watching the stars.
you brought light to my life when i could only see dark,
i thought my fire was out, but you brought back my spark.
i tried to move on in every way that i knew,
but it's hard to forget the girl who helped you through,
i think that some part of me will always love you.

we've said our goodbyes again and again,
but it's so hard to let go of your very best friend.
you taught me the meaning of having a family,
and taught me about love beneath an oak tree.
we were just kids, had no idea of the aftermath of our actions,
we forged a friendship full of unnecessary attachments,
but now we have to grow up, there's no room for distractions.

"just try to move on" you whispered, leaving me in the dust,
"i don't know if i can" i said, "you're the only one i can trust."
but you left anyways, and now i know that it's not your fault;
we did what we could, but our love was brought to a halt.
so i'm taking your advice, i'm moving on,
everything that we shared is suddenly gone,
i shed my last tears over you last night in your old lawn.

"i love you" you said, and i know that you meant it.
"i miss you" you said, and i'll never forget it.
you've left your fair share of scars on my broken heart,
but now that i've let myself cry, the healing can start.
you never meant to do me any harm,
but oh, how i miss your smiles and charm,
and i still can remember being wrapped in your arms.

no words that i write can ever compare,
i'll always remember everything that we've shared.
but it's been a few years, and now i have to say goodbye,
there's no point holding on to our song and your green eyes.
i promise i'll keep every secret you spoke,
and i'll keep on laughing at all of our jokes,
so i guess this is goodbye to you and our summers under that oak.

well i'm not good at math, so i guess i'm not smart
and i don't care about you, so i don't have a heart
your perception is off, but what else would you expect
from a person who tries to simplify all that is complex
like race and gender, it's not like you think, it's not set in stone
and the stereotypes that you speak chill me to the bone
"not be racist but" is not a way to start a sentence
there's no "buts" in racism, could you show some repentance?
well, not to be racist, but white people are *****
and not to be sexist, but all men are ******
and i'm getting tired of all of your ignorance
how does it feel to be full of intolerance?
you see the world through one narrow view
has anyone told you that you haven't got a clue?
you can't put people in boxes, we are so much more
we're filled with infinities that simply won't fit in a drawer
each mind is a galaxy, well, i guess maybe not yours
and you're so afraid of what you don't know
so get out of this world, i think it's time you go
because no one likes racists, *******, or jerks
being a ******* won't get you any perks
it's about the heart, not about the face
we're all a part of one single human race.

they say "hell is empty and the devils are here"
i guess then it makes sense, that at night i see all of my deepest fears
the ghouls and the ghosts and the demons are real
they come to live in the minds of men who can't feel
they inhabit the bodies of bosses who fuel corporate greed
they're bloodthirsty animals, just desperate to feed
they feed on your hope until there is nothing left
your colours get erased and they leave you bereft
and when you find that your life has dulled to a gray
maybe you'll realize that you have nothing to say
because you're just like the rest, you've become a clone
you're nothing more than a corporate american drone
my biggest fear is that this will happen to me
i'm petrified of the soulless shell i could come to be
so try as i might, and try as i may
i'll do what i want, no, i won't obey
i'm going to live by my very own laws
i'll fight to the end, and stay true to our cause
i refuse to be like my mom, striving for perfection
my every last thought will show through my own reflection
i won't be a slave to your american dream
i'll be myself, even if i have to scream

my hands were trembling, tears rushing down my face as i reached for a pen
i was leaving in the morning, i had to write my feelings before then
when people **** themselves they leave letters of beautiful words that they wrote
so i guess you could consider this very poem to be my suicide note

now mom please don't cry, and don't take the blame
it's not your fault that i was in so much pain
and hey grandma, listen, despite all my hate,
i promise that you're not the cause of my terrible fate
and brother, i love you, you were always so sweet
i hope you have a daughter to treat the way you treated me
michelle and kaylynne, you've always been there
you were more than my cousins, you always showed me you cared
and marissa, my dear, you were there 'til the end
you showed me the very meaning of being a friend
sweet little marie, please don't you dare cry
and can you promise me that you'll never do this, you'll never try?
and heather, i know you've been through this before
i'm sorry i couldn't show you how much you were adored
and ellie, my sweet, you helped my heart to heal
but i have to leave you, there's just too much i can't feel
oh god, my qynn, this one is the worst
what we had was magic, but i guess i was cursed
and alex, man, you'd better take care of our girl
please try to show her how much more there is to this world

writing this poem made me feel that maybe i didn't want to die
but it was too late, i'd made my decision, i'd made up my mind
this was never just about me, no, it's so much bigger
my whole body was shaking, as i reached for the trigger
and sure part of me still wanted to live
but i was tired and spent and had nothing left to give
my mind was made up, life just kept getting harder and harder
at least this way, i could die like a martyr
thought i couldn't make it, i hope th rest of you do
i hope you that i'm sorry, i hope you know i love you

i slammed down the notebook, i wiped away my tears
then it was time to face all my fears
i wrote down my "sorry"'s and decided to die
then i lifted the gun and let it kiss me goodbye