I still miss you
but more than that
I miss the days
when I was deluded enough
to believe I didn't
miss you anymore.

You
were the first chapter
of my life
but you were far
from the last

and I doubt
that when I reach the final page
I'll look back on the ones
filled
with your name

and think to myself
that those are the years
I wish
I could
relive.

If you
are the one
I love
then why
do I go
to him
when you make
me cry?

With you around
it rains so much
I hardly know
the sun.

I don't really think
it's worth
the rainbow
anymore.

i.

She could laugh
and tell me she’s fine.

ii.

She might ignore me
transfixed by the weight loss
commercial on the screen.

iii.

Maybe she won’t hear me.

My courage would fade
with my words
and I’d never mention it again.

iv.

There could be a pause as she looks at me
then looks away
as if I'd never said anything.

v.

She could deny it.

I wouldn’t believe her,
but I’d pretend
that I did.

vi.

There could be a moment of silence
before she says, “Yeah…so?”

I’d try to explain that she needs
to get better
but she’d pat her stomach and say
"That’s what I’m trying to do.”

vii.

She might listen to me.

Maybe she'll appreciate
that all I want to do
is help her.

vii.
The door could swing open
as her mom comes in
telling us it’s time for dinner.

The conversation would be left behind.

Sitting at the dinner table
she'd play with her food,
leaving it on the plate.


ix.

She could deny it.

I would tell her not to lie to me
and she’d get upset.

We wouldn’t talk
for two or three weeks.

x.

At the last second
I change my mind
and say “Never mind.”

She knows that I know
but she won’t mention it again.

Instead, we hold
the delicate silence between us
because I’m too afraid
to break it.

I want to read your mind
and see
if I'll find traces of me,
bittersweet
reminiscence.

I wonder if I ever linger
like a stain
on your thoughts
and if you ever shed a tear
when I do.