You are an alcoholic.
It pains me to say it, but it must be said.
I love you.
You are an amazing person.
You, as in, the person you are when you're not drinking.
That other person is the alcohol speaking.
I respect you, when you are you.
I do not respect you as an alcoholic.
I've always heard that, drunk minds speak sober thoughts.
Well, it seems the only time you're able to speak to me is when you are drinking.
I realize this is partly me.
I close myself off to you.
Whenever we speak, unless I am asking for your help with something, we don't seem to connect.
I wish this wasn't the case.
I'm crying now even thinking and writing about it.
The best memory I have of us when I was really young, was when you took me to a park and we watched the bike riders do tricks on the ramp.
Another is on a vacation when you were the only one who would go parasailing with me and go with me so I could swim with dolphins.
I'm honestly not sure what changed.
Maybe I've just grown up.
Maybe your drinking got worse throughout the years.
Could it be both?
I really do love you.
I suppose I don't quite understand what keeps you drinking.
Your father was an alcoholic
Your brother was an alcoholic.
All your other brothers have stopped drinking because they couldn't handle it.
You are the only one left who still drinks.
You also refuse to believe that you have a problem.
There are many reasons that I chose from the beginning to never drink alcohol.
I am very happy that I have stuck to that decision.
I've seen what it does to people.
I am the only one in my family who does not drink.
You seem to connect with my sisters through alcohol the most.
It gives you all a relevant topic to talk about.
Maybe that's why we can't seem to hold a conversation.
Or if we do, it's awkward.
I feel attacked.
I feel that you are not proud of me.
I know in my heart that it's not entirely true, but I still feel that way.
I know I need to move out of this situation.
I know that I could do better, make more of an effort to connect with you.
I just find it really difficult and I feel guilty about that.
I want to have a relationship with you, other than asking for your help.
I'm also fiercely independent at times, and we clash.
We are both very honest people.
I get my honesty from you, I know it.
It's not easy for me to simply let things go sometimes, because I want the truth to come out.
The truth can't come out with you, because it just leads to more clashing and hard feelings.
It's not always bad.
There can be really, really great moments.
It's the bad ones that come to mind though, especially when I have anxiety.
You are critical.
It pushes me, but it also hurts me.
Please stop drinking.
I love you dad.
Please.
9/25/17