Look out the window -
The morning sky’s pale green light
suggests cleansing rain.

Wooing you is like wooing a cat.
I walk half way
and wait for you
to meet me in the middle.
Holding out my hand
in a gentle gesture,
I let you sniff me out
to determine whether
or not I’m a threat.
I don’t speak too
loudly,
I don’t move too
quickly,
and I certainly
don’t touch you without
your express permission.
You rarely come
when I call,
but instead of
allowing bitterness to
build within me,
I am learning to
enjoy the surprise of
your unexpected presence.
Your elusiveness
challenges my self esteem,
yet your touch
rebukes my insecurity.

I cannot gain your
affection by force.
Indeed,
I would only succeed
in reaping resentment;
but there is beauty to be found
in the tenderness that is
freely given.

For the exiled man,
home is never
where he lays
his heavy heart.
How I long
to hide him
in the shelter
of my own!
But alas,
he is
not a thing
to be possessed.

It finally stopped raining in my head:
blissful, deafening, silence!

Crosses on roadside
Did not scare me, until I
almost became one.

I imagine that I will
fold my arms over the
cage around my heart,
subconsciously endeavoring
to suppress the air
in the hollow beneath it.
But I'm sure
I'll only succeed
in drawing attention
to the vulnerability
I was trying to
hide in the
first place.

Even though few
people consider fleeing
as an act of bravery,
I hope I will find the
courage to turn
around and run.
But glancing back,
I will drink in
that which I've
been pining to see -
your face,
handsome and solemn
as ever.

Your heart no longer
says my name,
yet mine has yours
written all over it.
I'm scarred from all
the times that I
scratched it out
with a razor
in the hope that
I could somehow
forget.
It's a battle
that I continue to lose.
I don't know if
I will ever win.
I'm doubtful,
but ever hopeful.

I open my eyes and peer into the darkness,
unsure how much time has passed,
unsure how I got here.
Unease floats into my mind and settles there,
warning me to remain submerged in this dream-like state of mind,
warning me that there is something menacing about facing reality.

Ragged breathing to my right
snaps me back to reality
with agonizing quickness and
I flinch from the pain of realization.
The beast that hovers beside me
inhales all that is left of my innocence
and exhales death.
Death…
That is what I smell on Its breath,
as if It had eaten someone’s soul.
Maybe the girl before me?
I don’t think I have a soul left to lose.
I have already sold it to the Devil
and he gave me over to one of his demons.

I reach for the blanket
and drag it up over my exposed body,
but the Thing rips the fabric from my grasping fingers.
“You can’t hide from me *****”.
I will my skin to turn to stone,
and imagine that I cannot feel
Its biting nails and grimy fingers
that leave trails of blood and dirt in their wake.

Drift away, I command myself.
Drift away from here.
Drift away like a leaf in the fall.
Be small and unimportant;
do not attract attention.
Drift out of this room
silently and gracefully into the night.
Do not stop.
Do not look back.
Do not let the pain distract.

But that which has worked
so many times before,
is failing me now.
The illusion is rapidly fading,
taking with it
what little control I possess.
My mask begins to crack
and the tears seep out.
The beast sneers at my weakness.
“What’s wrong *****?
You don’t like what you came for?
Too ******* bad, because
you’re mine now.”

I turn my head to the side
to focus on a nail in the wall.
“Look at me” demands the beast.
Why do they always demand that I look at them?
Is it some sort of power trip?
I refuse to look.
I glare at the nail in defiance
and am rewarded with a blow to the stomach,
but still I refuse.
I must keep some semblance of control.

Drift away, I whisper to myself.
A slap stings my face.
Drift away from here.
Blood trickles down my lip.
Drift away like a leaf in the fall.
“I said look at me!”
Be small and unimportant;
Do not attract attention.
Pain in my abdomen,
fear in my gut.
Drift out of this room…
“You can’t leave until I’m finished with you”
Silently and gracefully into the night.
A fist connects with my arms
Do not stop.
And then with my chest
Do not look back
And then with my jaw
*Do not let the pain distract.