I used to hold you up so high
until you let me down
I used to think if I pulled back the skin on your ribs all I would see was a blinding light
Sadly
You are only human

And even the best of us forget

Dear Father,
I wish I knew you. Give me a name to call out in the night, because sometimes I just need someone here. I wonder if it would break your heart to know that I don’t remember you. All I remember from life before is bits and pieces of swords flying, echoing words, and a mess of emotion splattered in the grass. I remember the tree, the huge one to the right of the field. The grass would burn my legs as I ran through it, I could run so so fast. Base camp was my home and I lived for the fire that lit up the night. I miss the music that floated through the air.
I know you knew that I wouldn’t remember much when I entered this world again. But I know if it was reversed I would still hate the fact that we are not allowed to take all of our memories with us. I keep recognizing strangers on the street, and I don’t know how I know them but it’s like I can name their every fear and joy just from looking in their eyes. I want to know them, did they come with me? Did I follow them? What happened to my team? I have so many questions that I know I have the answers to somewhere in the back of my soul. I hurt my mind trying to dig farther back then this human brain will take me. I am so restricted here, I can only think so much, and run so fast, and say so many things, and feel such basic emotions. My mind wants to think at the speed of light. My legs want to carry me across the geography of the earth in a matter of minutes. My voice wants to rise above the dull roar or life. I want to feel more than sadness, and happiness, and anger. I want to feel things that humans don’t have words for. Pain is very much the same, I still love it, I still hate it.
Teach me everything again. I have been told that you can get your memories back only when disconnecting your soul from your body but I want to know everything yet stay here. I have found beautiful things here.  Love takes over your body here, you can feel it everywhere when you fall. They call it falling, but I think a lot of times its more like flying. I remember flying a little, and maybe I could fly back then because love was more than an emotion but a state of being. Father, I think I miss you. I think I miss everyone. Strings come out from the center of my being and every so often I find someone who is holding the other end. I have become attached to entirely too many people who have only been in my life for the smallest fraction of time. But..I can’t let go, I can’t stop wanting them to be a part of my bones, a part of what holds me up on this earth. In particular, I love three people. And I think that’s enough to help me to fly again. Unfortunately two of them have gone, and the third is on the brink of going away.
I could not stop any of them. I wanted them to be happy so bad. I left the door open trying to let them see the light of the world outside. They walked out into the sunrise because I cannot compare to a beautiful day.
I have been told that I was sent here for a purpose, I want to change the world. But I’m not sure how. Father, can you help me? I need something to push me in the right direction. I can only do so much by myself and I need hands to guide me.
Will you help me down here? I need someone by my side, I know I have Michael and Gabriel and Ariel and Elizabeth but maybe I need not only companions but maps.
Sometimes I don’t want to go on anymore. I want to be lifted back up into the sky. Learn everything again. It’s so filled with pain down here and I feel so weak. I want to be released, let go again. I am not afraid of death because some days it feels better than life. Life is heavy, and I’m used to walking on air.

Maybe it is better that I do not know you.
Because then maybe I would call for help in a language you would understand

And you would have to leave me here.

I guess I just wanted you to know I love you Father, whoever you are, wherever you are, I think about you sometimes.
I just wanted you to know.

Now that I know the truth
Now that this is all over
I can finally write the words that I always wanted to say but never had the heart to
And everyone will tell me how nice they are
But they are not nice
They are true

"This will be the most wonderful mistake I ever make"

"I know, it will be mine also"

Fortunately
Unfortunately
I'll love you always

But that's what I get for falling in love with my best friend

Inhale. Let the oxygen fill your ribs, and permeate your bones. Exhale. Your breath is painting dreams of oceans deep below your eye lids. You are endless. Weightless. Suspended in colorless silence. Tiny echoes caress your palms yet none of them reach your ears. You are alone, but surrounded in blinding light. Moving is slow, effortless, underwater. Something has shifted in your mind, your eyes. The world you find yourself in seems fragile, one fast movement and the moment will be broken. Dissolved into a million tiny pieces of atmosphere. Feel that? It’s your heart beating, your life force, your veins just a road map of yourself. Stronger than ever, driven by the waves. You are floating in peace, you are whole. Such a small yet vital force of the universe.
Look at your hands, swirl your fingers around of you must. You can manipulate the currents and make the seas calm at your call. Let the water take you. It’s a delicate balance of time and eternity and you are spiraling down
                         down
                                   down
You are endless. Weightless. Suspended in colorless silence.
Softly, the tide brushes its lips against your cheek. You can feel nothing, but at the same time everything. Every tiny movement of the living, breathing ocean that has encased you in such echoing quiet. Focus, there are vibrations running up and down your spine, your own melody of existence.
Comfortably numb.

Let go.

Don’t be afraid,
Until you must once again, gasp for air.
Inhale. Exhale.

When a line is drawn is extends infinitely in every direction
and I hope this means there is at least one that connects me to you
no matter how far apart we are
and if you follow it maybe we'll meet again
where our lines overlap

I'll guide you home

I wish I could have been what you needed
But sadly I am only a collection of chemical reactions between synapses that are just a little too far apart
Left to wonder why something that makes us so alive can **** us with one misstep

I think you must have smiled when you pushed me into the waves below

Drown me in the one thing that keeps me breathing
one last time

I'm not doing this to hurt you

I used to have a philosophy
Much like mass I thought pain was neither created nor destroyed
Merely transferred from one to another
Constantly circling
And I thought if I hurt it would take away the pain of others

Before I went to sleep I would curl up in a ball imagining that I was taking the pain out of a child's scraped knee,  or giving peace to a man's last breath,  or saving you from a couple more tears
I slept with a smile on my face

I'm not doing this to hurt you

All I ever wanted to do was good

Our first date was spent looking at the sky and comparing the scars on our hearts.
I think I fell in love with the way your eyes lit up when looking at the clouds.
I ended up putting my secrets in the cracks of your skin, you put yours in the bottom of my lungs
And I was still surprised when I ended up not being able to breathe without you

These days we seem to get advice from everywhere but you've probably never heard the part about how you should definitely find someone who thinks in metaphors.
Maybe you've never heard of the advice to find someone who's hands whisper way more than their mouths ever will
Find someone who doesn't just move your heart but moves your whole rib cage so that your facing in the direction of the sun
Find someone who knows that your soul isn't actually in your chest but is in your feet leading you down your path
A person that can tell you exactly what light SOUNDS like and knows that the darkness is more blinding than the day
Find someone whose eyes speak with a sound deeper than all oceans
and I bet you've never heard how you should find someone who thinks the sky is purple and the grass is blue just because you need to look at the world differently sometimes.
Someone who tells your stories with words that spill out of their eyes because those are the ones that count
let them match your tiny rhythms
let them kiss all the cracks in your skin
as they fall in step beside you
Fall in love with someone who thinks in metaphors
They'll understand

There should be a special place in hell for mothers who don’t love, respect, and support their sons
I know things won’t always be perfect but the least you can do is care
I hope someday within those loud, echoing words of disappointment, those angry cries of doubt - over the next thing you think he has failed you for - leaving him to put his head in his hands wondering if he’s good enough for you, that you see the words hidden in his face, etched upon his skin
“I’m doing this for you mom”
Because what am I supposed to say as he lays his head on my shoulder with tears in his eyes saying to me “I don’t want to go home anymore”
When he thinks that you don’t love him because all you end up showing is hate
Am I supposed to say that's okay?
This is the son who said all he was worth was a marine uniform and a way to die just to make. you. proud.
Anger is no answer and if your boiling point is 212 degrees you’ll go 213 just to prove your hatred
You know you could break his heart with a pinprick yet you still go so far
And all I can do is hope next time you raise your hand against him you see in his eyes the words he’s tried over and over again to scream to you

“I’m just doing this for you mom”

"Lost soles"    
Read the tree

That was hanging
With shoes

Maybe it is our feet that lead us
We all do get lost

A word to the wise:
When I tell you that
I woke up at 4 am
It doesn't mean I couldn't sleep
It means I'm miserable
It means I hurt
And I guess I've brought this on myself
Seeing as though I just wanted a hug
But arms are never long enough to reach me
When I need it most
I know I'm awful
And when you tell me to smile
It feels wrong on my mouth sometimes
You seem to get exasperated telling me I look beautiful
In the pictures that I'm taking
Just to show you
I'm together
In my eyes being broken can not touch the face of beauty
And you say its to early to be sad
But you don't know its already been 5
Hours
How I've already fought back tears
While you
Were still asleep
Depression doesn't choose a time of day
Usually
I didn't want to tell you but now the minutes we're apart
Scream
We've been wasted
When all I wanted was a hug
And you just wanted a smile

Wars;
you fought
and won

Note to Self:
Darling please,
Forget everything
Play yourself a new song
Set your sights on the future
Let go
Forgive yourself
Remember to love
and love
and love
l
o
v
e
it will get you through
I promise