I don't belong here
and I don't mean this town I mean this earth
I'm not quite made out to be human you know?
if we were all created from a couple chemical reactions and a huge burst of light at some center of the universe I must be going home when I die
and I want to go home
I am homesick
for a place I barely remember
but it is nowhere here
no point on a map I can put my finger on
no road to get me there
and you know
I wouldn't be me without my sadness
it's as a part of my like my arms are
sadness is what makes me interesting
and I think thats why
no one ever notices
how sad I am
my mom didn't check off the box labeled depression when I went to the doctor the other day
and I didn't have the heart to tell her
sometimes I feel so sad
I feel so sick
but I'm laughing
and every breath hurts me and
oh how I want to go home
but it makes me interesting
makes me unique
who I am
not the sadness
just what it makes me do
I talk to people as if it's the last time I will see them a lot
drive a little too fast
I tried to commit suicide once
and I never did
I was pulled off a bridge
screaming really
I wanted to feel whole if only for a second before I hit the water
but I'm not afraid anymore
I think about dying a lot
but
I don't make solid plans
or write letters
and sometimes I still think about throwing myself off a bridge
or in front of a car
sometimes I write sentences, just single sentences
to leave when I am gone
and sometimes I want to write a suicide book
and other times the only suicide note I need is your name
but I don't
because I made a promise to a boy that left me that I would stay
the problem with being homesick
is we are taught that eventually you go home anyway
but

I'm not leaving

If,
at the end of my life,
you were to ask me about the one thing I loved the most
I would answer
"Breathing"
because it was the one thing that
never
left
all that I have ever truly known
is the air in my lungs
and the ground at my feet

I looked at you and I knew I was not magnificent
but then you turned to face me
and your eyes convinced me otherwise
the way you looked at me so quizzically
attempting to figure out the patterns in my eye movements
and the slight shape my lips take
when I said "hello"
it's beautiful really
the way you set your jaw
when you concentrate

Have I never told you before?

you are so deep
and I don't think I ever want to reach the bottom
I would jump
I would fall
if I could find an edge
if I could only find an edge

of you

Dear you, I never knew my bones could ache before I met you, in fact I didn't even know bones could ache at all this might be a medical condition, but I have a feeling if I told the doctors I had the case of a broken heart they would laugh at me.

Dear you, I keep jumping up every time the door opens expecting to see your face
I mean
I keep jumping up every time I even see headlights going by
even though there's no reason for you to come through this side of town anymore
whenever I see a black truck I think you're here
then I remember you sold it a week before you left
it was probably a sign
was I always blind like that?

Dear you, you said you would call eventually
and I believed you
then I remembered that you didn't ever call me even when you wanted to talk
I know you don't have my number anymore
but
maybe you might listen to what I had to say if I was a stranger

Dear you, hey I know you don't know who this is anymore,
and I know I'm a stranger
but
I'm a stranger who knows everything about you and even knows how you make your coffee and all the words to your favorite songs even though I didn't like any of them, and the exact angle your head takes when you're drawing and **** it never mind I can't finish this

Dear you, I wonder if you ever would have loved me if I wasn't broken
you seemed to only be searching for something more damaged than yourself
congratulations
you found exactly what you were looking for
then left as if you made a mistake

Dear you, I told you loving sad girls would get you nowhere
even I hoped I was lying

Dear you, I can't stop dreaming that you're still here

Dear you, I thought you were gone
I WISH YOU WERE GONE
call off your ghosts and leave
…please?

Dear you, today I ran to catch up with a boy who was wearing a leather jacket that looked like yours and when he turned around I had to pretend I wasn't looking

Dear you, I saw you today for the first time in six months and I couldn't breathe and when you left I fell to the floor and no one understands that seeing your eyes constricted my wind pipes and if you still had my heart it was trying to run to safety the thing almost jumped out of my chest and everyone was hugging me and I don't remember the rest

Dear you, I will forever regret not yelling after you

"I keep all my promises"
&
"I miss you too much to forget"

and when I die
compose a symphony in my voice
transfer my soul into a violin string
and my heart into a timpani drum
as long as I can be heard I will never be
truly
gone
you told me once you would name a gun after me
if you stumbled across one that spoke in my voice
and if you can hear my name in a gun shot
you can find it again in a broken chord on a piano
because
I used to be a composer
but every melody was about you
people rest in sound waves
and it's time I was found again
just like I found you

and when I die
bury me in sheet music
and leave me under the concert hall
so that I will never go without
music reverberating through my bones
I've been told my eyes are gold
if you look at them in the right light
but if you gave me room to breathe again
they might become the color of the land
I am rushing over
in bass line
one that you created
with your own two hands

and when I die
and you hear what you have created for the first time
I hope you fall to your knees
in a spotlight
on the stage you stand
because you have just realized
that I am more alive now
than I was when I was breathing

and when I die
I will not really be dead

now will I?

you always said I lived right beneath your collar bone
straight above your heart,
not in it but over it
I was only the supporting weight of one of your shoulders  
I think I forgot to tell you that you were both of mine
but I also feel you missing right at the center of myself
I let you take up too much space

Maybe you replaced me by now
you're whispering your secrets to some other girl
or boy
at any rate someone who isn't me
or maybe you just put in a slab of iron in
I wouldn't blame you
it would be much easier to deal with than I am

is it even socially acceptable to cry in the shower over someone who hasn't contacted you in three weeks?
Is that okay?
I think I'll do it anyway
The worst endings are the slow ones
that drag out for weeks or months or years
the ones that leave you wondering how one person can leave your life without a trace
I would do anything to breathe the dust of your skin again
you didn't even leave me that much

I miss you
the way that you feel deep within yourself
I told you that once
I don't remember what you said
but it wasn't what I wanted to hear

I love you
and not the kind you think
the kind that makes me smile at your voice
and the kind that makes me feel safe in your presence
the kind that makes me want to sit next to you in silence and listen to you breathe
I love you as a human
and don't get me wrong
kissing you was great
but I would take it all back
just to have you here
not with me
but next to me

It gets heavy all alone