September 12, 2010:
I write you a letter
begging for forgiveness
redemption
a way to start over
the last sentence reads:
"I wish the rain would be enough to wash away my mistakes"

I never send it

September 13, 2010:
You break by heart for the 1st time (out of three)
via message sent at 12:03 AM
the last sentence was simply:
"I wish it could have been different, I'm sorry"

It pours for three days straight

My demons came up to me and introduced themselves today
and told me:
Humans are fire
Knowing no bounds they can either warm you or burn you  
attracted like moths to a light post you find yourself addicted to sparks in the black
thats why you love them;
you're looking for yourself

Only a sad collection of scars and almost's,

I was a match  
&
You were an inferno

Trying your hardest to please everyone just to leave yourself with nothing but ashes and a couple dollar bills
You stood there and burned, gluing your lips to my ear so that every time I turned I could hear you ringing in my head to set you free
Fully leaving would have been too easy
I swear you could have been sitting in the back seat of my car having a conversation with the headlights of oncoming cars as I drove home in the darkness
Slamming my hands on the steering wheel to try to atone for my own mistakes

you burned yourself to forget
&
I burned myself to feel

when the rain came neither of us were ready
I seem to have washed away
but you
simply lit another match
(one that isn't me)

I'm not sure if I am empty or endless
endless sounds nice
it sounds like I capture the sea and the mountains
and you
if you walked far enough
your veins being your only road map

it sounds like I am every color and every song
and I can touch stars if I want to
breathing in the dust of planets
and getting Saturn's rings tangled in my hair

yes endless sounds nice
but I am so afraid
In being endless you will only focus on the craters I am on the moon
and the caves I am in the land
and the black depths of the ocean
(empty)

I am so afraid
that you will come to me for a drink
and will leave just as thirsty
with no oasis
no resting place
no me; with or without you
(empty)

If anyone told me when I was little that when I was older,
when the leaves fell down I would be so sad
I wouldn’t have watched them spiral down with such wonder.
I might have even taken the liberty of climbing to the tops of them
and
taping them to their own branches.
The younger version of myself loved me more than I do now.

There are a small collection of us fighting for our lives,
as extinguished lights all we look for is more darkness to hide with.
Among empty red seats of an all but abandoned theatre I found my reflection.
A mirror in the shape of a girl.
Cries of help can be only mere whispers if need be
and
I have many secrets I do not wish to shout.

She spoke to me more with her eyes than with her mouth,
in turn I found that we spoke the same language.
Maybe I was too afraid to ask her where home was
but
she did tell me that she went to bed early
“and not like 8 pm early, like 6 pm early”

I wondered if that was because she was in love with the darkness or her dreams.

You don’t ask questions like that unless you’re prepared to answer them yourself.

What I can tell her is what I know:

We are electric.
My lips aren’t quite frozen
and
my battery is not yet dead
and
if igniting one another saves both or neither at least we tried.
I will use my words as a defibrillator,
shocking you, shocking you, shocking you,
until I once again hear the sound of fire, keeping you alive.
I won’t give up on you so you better not give up on yourself.

I will bring you back to life.

*Illuminate the darkness for me darling

hello, I miss you
the stars screamed at me not to let you drive away
and I should have said something
anything
worth you being here
because I never knew "goodnight"
could be a synonym for goodbye
and I am not ready to be alone once more

hello, I miss you
do you miss me?
you told me you did once after you pulled over to the side of the road 20 miles away from my house claiming that you couldn't drive any farther until I knew
you never turned around though
I wasn't worth enough
it wasn't until later that I figured out that could be the only thing I have left to hold onto

hello, I miss you
since you are gone I have no best friend besides my reflection
and even she does not want to talk
sometimes
we both have sad eyes and no one to look into them
you were my light and now there is only
darkness
(the stars have given up trying to warn me)