Elise

Elise Oct 2013

If anyone told me when I was little that when I was older,
when the leaves fell down I would be so sad
I wouldn’t have watched them spiral down with such wonder.
I might have even taken the liberty of climbing to the tops of them
and
taping them to their own branches.
The younger version of myself loved me more than I do now.

There are a small collection of us fighting for our lives,
as extinguished lights all we look for is more darkness to hide with.
Among empty red seats of an all but abandoned theatre I found my reflection.
A mirror in the shape of a girl.
Cries of help can be only mere whispers if need be
and
I have many secrets I do not wish to shout.

She spoke to me more with her eyes than with her mouth,
in turn I found that we spoke the same language.
Maybe I was too afraid to ask her where home was
but
she did tell me that she went to bed early
“and not like 8 pm early, like 6 pm early”

I wondered if that was because she was in love with the darkness or her dreams.

You don’t ask questions like that unless you’re prepared to answer them yourself.

What I can tell her is what I know:

We are electric.
My lips aren’t quite frozen
and
my battery is not yet dead
and
if igniting one another saves both or neither at least we tried.
I will use my words as a defibrillator,
shocking you, shocking you, shocking you,
until I once again hear the sound of fire, keeping you alive.
I won’t give up on you so you better not give up on yourself.

I will bring you back to life.

*Illuminate the darkness for me darling

seasonal depression is kicking my *** (and also hers)

Elise Oct 2013

Desolāre

hello, I miss you
the stars screamed at me not to let you drive away
and I should have said something
anything
worth you being here
because I never knew "goodnight"
could be a synonym for goodbye
and I am not ready to be alone once more

hello, I miss you
do you miss me?
you told me you did once after you pulled over to the side of the road 20 miles away from my house claiming that you couldn't drive any farther until I knew
you never turned around though
I wasn't worth enough
it wasn't until later that I figured out that could be the only thing I have left to hold onto

hello, I miss you
since you are gone I have no best friend besides my reflection
and even she does not want to talk
sometimes
we both have sad eyes and no one to look into them
you were my light and now there is only
darkness
(the stars have given up trying to warn me)

outgoing text message: 9:44 am - hello, I miss you//desolāre - (latin) verb, to forsake

Elise Oct 2013

Not Advice

Do not write your secrets.
They can and will be used against you. Anything on paper your demons will find.
Although, demons aren’t always bad, some are just lost like you are.
You can learn a lot by simple questions. I have learned more about myself when is the presence of something darker than night than from anything else.
And for goodness sake don’t leave your words anywhere in plain sight.
You’re asking for trouble.
Or is that what you wanted?

Do not shout into the void.
No one will hear you, and even if they do they won’t come to save you.
You have to save yourself.
Find peace, even if it’s not the happy kind.
You will thank yourself. And for the record, get used to thanking yourself, you do a lot of great things without realizing it. You are your own worst enemy, but also your own best friend.
You live with yourself for a good long time, at least be someone you enjoy.

Do not internalize the pain someone else causes you.
Life is too short to be sorry you didn’t speak up.
If someone hurts you then say something because you will like yourself far better than if you did not say anything at all. Silence is the biggest regret one can have.
Thievery is the biggest sin, do not steal ones right to the truth.
No lie will be better than speaking your mind.

Also:

Do not listen to me,
I have done all these things.

And I am still just as terrible as you are.

This is not advice at all actually

Elise Oct 2013

History

I guess I’m a little afraid to talk about myself, because I’m a big fan of telling someone everything while also telling them nothing.
But I might accidently start telling you all my flaws and in reality I hate flaws. I’m all about victories.
I guess to illustrate this I joined the track team in 7th grade because first I wanted to and second all my friends were doing it. The funny part is that I have an alignment problem in my legs which causes my knees to go side to side instead of up and down and it literally pains me to run but I ran and I ran until I couldn’t run anymore
…then spent the next 6 months in physical therapy. They asked why I pushed it to be so bad and I said the coach told me to get over it. So I did.

But the point is I made it. A victory.

Right about now I could say it has been 3 years and only a couple people in this room would know what I meant, the rest just trying to count backwards in their heads to try to remember what happened back then. It’s not matter because the point is I made it and a couple months ago I went to a heart doctor. He asked about said 3 years in the form of,
I know you’re in a lot of pain and the damage is pretty extensive but on a scale of 1-10 how bad is your pain on a given day?
I said about an 8.
He scoffed at me and said if that was true I would be in a hospital.

I looked him dead in the eye and said, I’ve been to hospitals, they told me to get over it. So I did.

He wrote that down, and didn’t say anything else.

I guess the point is I'm a survivor, and maybe that's all that matters

Elise Sep 2013

Hardships (11w)

Behind every picture
Of a rough sea,
Stands
A camera man

Elise Sep 2013

9/25/13

A boy I knew was abandoned by the love of his life today, after two years
And all he said about it was:

"Funny thing love is"

And as I passed the grave yard driving home I saw an old woman whose hands were clasped in front of her, praying for the love of her life to come back home

"Funny thing love is"

small&sad; (like me)

Elise Sep 2013

Sunset

You told me you would never drink to get drunk because you saw how it made your grandmothers marriage fall apart and your dad always yelled loudest with a beer in his hand.
You didn’t want to forget life because I made it beautiful.
Maybe you forgot that now that you’re getting drunk every weekend.
You told me that life was worth more than sitting around clutching a bottle of whiskey because you had seen what it did to people and I know your mom was ***** but that makes no difference to why she would have a different voice when speaking after one drink.
You can’t make all the excuses for her anymore.
I’m not listening.
Maybe you forgot the time she screamed at me so much I cried.
You held me close on the way home whispering
“she didn’t mean it, it’s just the alcohol speaking in her voice”
I wonder if you’re proud of those pictures of you with ping pong ***** and half naked girls but I would think if you were you would post them yourself and not tell Alex to.
The light has left your eyes and even though your mouth is smiling your mind is lost.
Maybe you forgot all you promised me
I wonder where the boy I loved went

probably lost himself in the alcohol on those saturday nights

just like his parents did

you obviously can't keep your promises like I can//it's like the sun set in your eyes, and never wanted to rise again