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Eleutherophobia Dec 2013
Looking into you're eyes
Is like squinting into the sun
As I rip out the pages
To my most truthful memoir
So I never really existed at all

And now I sit
Replacing the pages
With memories
Yet to come
And never to come
Until we are all left
Confused and belittled
Surrounded by the philistine artists
Who have become
Chauvinists to real talent

Tightening nooses
Around our feeble throats
So we don't leave as they planned

Blinded
We still manage to see
More than the others do
Not as a result of our superior vision
As a result of their ignorance

This rogue world
Has commenced
It's crumbling
Like the memoir I fabricated
Instead now burning to become ashes
To be lost
To one day be found
But never recognized
For how could one ever
Recognize ashes
To be a commemoration
Of the forgotten truths

We think about using
The last bit of intelligence
They haven't taken from us
Along with our passionate indignation
At a futile attempt
To kick out the chairs
Still supporting us
From underneath

For then the war would be over
But not won
And we see
A cease fire is not in question

But the sky is still blue
So ask yourself this
What is it we are fighting for?
Sanity?
Because that is still
In our possession
But that is what they want us to believe

So look at that blue sky
As your eyes burn from the sun
And remember
How very complex
Your existence has become
I wonder
If we can ever call this
An existence anymore.
accidentally inspired by 1984 by George Orwell
Eleutherophobia Dec 2013
I fear
That when you went away
Without any notice
And suffered for so long
All alone
You took away
My ability to suffer
You took it all
For yourself
Along with my ability
To get butterflies
From other boys
Like I used to with you
And my ability to
Even want to smile when they
Give me the attention
I have so been craving
You've left me
In this perpetually alone state
With no explanation
And no guide
On how to survive
This emptiness
And now
Here you are
Back and asking for more
But you already have my more
You have it all
And I know
I could never ask for it back
Because neither one of us
Understands any of it
You don't know what you do
And I
I don't know what state I am left in
So my plan
Is to sit here
In this chauvinistic fog
Until I slowly disappear
Out of insignificance
And necessity.
Eleutherophobia Dec 2013
She's the type of girl
Who tells herself
To remember what it feels like
To really smile
For fear that
She may never get the chance
To feel that way again
And in the process
Therefore ruins the perfect moment
By thinking such sinister thoughts

She is the girl
Who clutches tight to her
Books about romance
Out of fear that
She herself will never feel that way
That she will never actually feel
Anything at all

She reads over that line
Again and again
When the boy tells the girl
"I love you."
For the first time
For proof that
Love does actually exist

She drinks tea
Every night
Religiously
At a feeble attempt
To warm her soul
In a way that she fears
Another human body never will
But she just ends up in tears
When it never works

She tries to sculpt her body
To look like a work of art
So someone
Anyone
Will appreciate
The aesthetics she
Knows she does not possess

She is the type of girl
Who tries everything
She can imagine
To feel whole
To feel normal
And she fears the day
When she realizes
It is completely hopeless
And stops trying.
Eleutherophobia Nov 2013
The words rushed out
I had no control
I never really meant them
But I didn't want to see that hole

The hole that is caused
When you resist and don't speak
When you don't say what they need
And leave that trembling silence so bleak

I hate when that happens
When the silence gets too loud
So I spit those words out
And for that I am not proud

I wish to say what I mean
Not what you wanted to be true
Now I live in regret
And lost sight of what I knew

The truth can be hard
Harder than all those easy words
When they pile up high
And tower over the birds

Soaring over your head
Threatening to crash down
And expose you for you
When you can't afford to have them around

There was part of me
Who wanted to live that lie
Who wanted to become those words
No matter how they left me blind

I am grateful though
Living in my regret
For now I am free
Free and able to someday forget

So goodbye easy words
I wish you well
You tumbled out so freely
When it was too soon to tell

Goodbye, goodbye
Farewell to you all
I am free and ready
To brace myself for the fall

I will suffer and agonize
If it all means well
That I can move on from those words
And never again yell

I will never say those poisoned words
No matter how tempting
For they lead to destruction
And only left me empty
Eleutherophobia Nov 2013
And still
My throat is clenched
And my breathing gets
All too heavy
To the point where
The sound of each
Inhale
And exhale
Echoes in my head
As though
Every other noise
In the room
Has been swallowed up
And my fingers
Start to perspire
With anxiety
Seeping out of each pour
You still have the power
To make me get this
Lightheaded
Dizzy
Nervous
Exhilarating feeling
And make every
Potential word you will say
Get caught up in my throat
And I cling onto it all
With the only justification
I seem to be able to come up with
The only feasible explanation
For this
Occasional momentary insanity
Is that
You were the first.
Eleutherophobia Nov 2013
The roiled red water
Or blood should I say
Went swirling down
The drain
Down down down
Until it all but disappeared
As though
It had never been placed there
To begin with
But it had
It was there
She left the room
Left it all behind
But there was one thing
She did not see
One drop of blood
Left behind
On the white tile floor
At the point where
The grout and tile meet
That one drop
She had never accounted for
And who knows
Maybe the dog will come in
And lick it up
Maybe her brother will walk in
And accidentally
Wipe it up with his sock
Or maybe her mother will see it
And question it's existence
Or maybe it will sit there
Forever
Unnoticed
I will never know
And perhaps she never will either
But I'm sure
If she knew
That drop was sitting there
Right now
She would care
She would rush away
From whatever she was doing
And wipe it up
In hopes of covering it all up
Everything that happened
And with that one wipe
Maybe it would be gone
Gone forever
And then again
Maybe it wouldn't be.
Eleutherophobia Nov 2013
I've walked that path
So many times
But something slows me down
When I see your eyes

A burst of light in the dark
I followed willingly
Believed in them with every ounce
Even when I felt the rigidity

Even when I found the hole in my sweater
And found your blade that held the missing yarn
Even when my heart gushed out
And I lost feeling in my arms

I believed when I felt the tape
Placed over my mouth
Cutting off my every word
Forcing my thoughts south

But still I kept them north
I kept on seeing that light
Except that was not so much a light in your eyes
As it was a glint out of spite

You turned out to be such a sadistic soul
You cut into every sweater I own
So now when I step outside
I will feel the winds harsh cold moan

I will feel that burst through that hole
Placed right on my heart
You have left a permanent reminder
I never realized you were that smart

You mastered the art of suffering
You placed it on me so well
So that we all live with your demons
And reside in our own versions of hell.
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