For years now, you have been with me,
Watching each move, eavesdropping conversations
Without knowing it, we have been closely knit
Into a thread ball made of dialogues and actions

You were a part of my art-house movie,
But leading role never belonged to you,
Because you chose to stay aside and pull strings,
Making the actors understand your cues.

For years now, I have been your every action,
The part of your desires and your hopes,
Without knowing it, we moved in one direction
To meet again and tighten our knot.

I was the seed you planted in your heart,
You were the water, nourishing this tree,
The tree kept growing, even when rain stopped,
There’s no way for it to be again a seed.

Our whole plan went wrong:
We met, we ate, we had a glass of wine,
We paid, we left, and I forgot my purse;
I came for it, and then I heard your voice
Behind my neck; your fingers on my spine.
You whispered phrases in unclear words,
I felt you touching hair and my soft skin
I turned to you to push away, say no,
Instead, I saw your eyes
And they were green.

My hand was on your tired shoulder,
Feeling the fabric of your deep red shirt;
So eagerly, you wanted then to hold me,
I saw that in your eyes, without words.
Your silence persevered, I stayed still,
Waiting for waves to crash my fragile coastline,
Your blurry eyes just dropped one lonely tear
To make me understand, this was goodbye.

As teenagers we think of funny things:
We trust first boyfriends, run away from home,
We ask adults to buy us cigarettes and drinks
And wish to break the rules and live alone.

We claim we can’t survive without love,
Believe we cannot live unhappily and sad,
And growing up, with terror realize
We can do that.

We deny what we can’t control
And pretend to feel nothing hard,
Hiding sadness behind thick walls,
Setting up violent guards.

We get tested day after day
By refreshing strikes of fate,
But emotions find their way
To keep us alive and awake.

Then we breathe them in and out,
Being poisoned to death with smoke
That remained after the fire,
Which suppressed feelings awoke.

But we manage to stay alive,
Getting angry and crashing walls,
We will grab our right to thrive,
Fall in love with whoever we want.

It was a dream, a moment of weakness,
A tiny trifle in the sea of salt;
The time and space were put on a waitlist
By our drunk and wandering souls.

The people beyond our timeless bubble
Didn’t exist that cold winter night,
They vanished to let us get in trouble
And those who remained became blind.

Warm sand of your sensitive fingers
Warmed up my hands, slipping away
To become gentle breeze, selective and teasing,
Exploring my dress and touching hair.

The words lost meaning, became empty,
We talked with gestures and our foggy eyes.
The silence and dim light became tempting
To make us believe and tell lies.

The music stopped, leaving us sober,
The people returned to watching us,
Preventing us from getting in trouble
And let us go on with boring lives.

Break the time into little pieces
And taste each moment one thousand times
To see how I grew from a girl to a princess
In your provocative and teasing eyes.

Remove from my memory all sad glances,
You threw at me when the silence lingered ,
And put on willingly my thick pink glasses
Not to feel like I need to deal with it.

See the image of me change in your eyes
From the charming princess to a secret friend,
And think back to the cold scotch-fuelled night,
When I finally let you grab my hand.

Catch before getting caught,
Eat before being eaten,
Flee before the body gets cold
After you gave it the proper beating.

Love yourself before falling in love,
Before feeling guilt for doing it wrong.
Live your life like a bird learning to fly,
Making countless mistakes, becoming strong.

Be yourself, but try wearing multiple roles,
Play a lover, a crook, a happy person.
Be an actor until your heart becomes a stone
And nothing can make you feel wholesome.

In the most intimate parts of my brain
I dreamt of being used by you
But I wasn’t
I was ready to take this pain
If you said that you wanted me to

I was ready to take your feelings
To swallow them and become happy
But I didn’t
As you didn’t let me in
In your holy and intimate temple

I was ready to play you with my moves
To make you break into tiny pieces
But I was played
Now I’m not sure where is the truth
In your calculated game thesis

You traveled far to see the miracle yourself,
But found that miracle was meaningless and fake;
You put your dreams so vivid on a shelf,
Bought ticket back to make of dreams a break.

You traveled further, ran away from world,
And threw away your telephone and cards,
Becoming free and gracious nimble bird,
Flying through winds and staring on cold stars.

You saw a thousand sunrises and dusks
In most secluded areas of globe;
Ignoring wind rose and neglecting maps,
Kept moving and you never stopped.

You reached an ocean, frozen and deep blue,
Stopped for a moment to make up your mind.
You had two options, either win or lose:
If win - you can’t come back, if lose - you die

The denied and broken-hearted scream
Into the pillows at night and crying in shower,
Because love has crawled under the skin
And each night above them hovers

You sought someone perfect, with a halo
And found someone from hell, covered in veil,
Who ascended to earth and tried to tame you
Until you made him your holy grail.

Smoke, mirrors, and smell of whiskey cocktails...
This deadly couple danced to the music they didn't hear.
They will not get a happy end, like a fairy tale,
But they will spend some more time is this dream,
In which they dance to the rock bands they love,
Feeling the smell of tobacco, vanilla, and scotch,
Holding each other close, eyes looking down,
Making the audience hungrily watch.

Black and white, loud like sounds of love...
Their thoughts were pervasive, like melted gold,
Covered the lovers with clouds from above,
Making soundless each romantic word.

This long night of dreams ended with sunrise,
But feeling of closeness lingered forever.
And if both of them were a bit wiser
They would have woken up that morning together.

It’s not love, it’s not hate
That makes you thrive
And become great
It’s your life, giving you a ride
To the destination called “yourself”.

You have wings
And think that you can fly
But when you try
Your body sinks
And drowns under heavy clouds
Made of bulletproof glass
When you hit and break it,
You crash the bones
But not your soul,
As dark, as concentrated coal.

You seek the purpose to live by
But you are already here
Give it a try
And shine
So vividly that you’ll make people blind
So loudly that the world goes deaf
And mad
Where were they
When you needed help?

But it doesn’t matter
You are strong enough
To get better by yourself
And cure people with bare hands
To catch the bird crashing the clouds
To heal the bones
And grow the wings
To fly alone
And finally you will arrive
Tired and wet,
Beaten up by rain
You finally got that ride
To the destination called “yourself”

Do you always leave your house in disguise,
Wearing a mask, a smile and matching suit?
You swear by heart to love things you despise
And need a bottle to wake your ***** mood?

Do you keep laughing at words and things you loathe
To be the one who never spoils the eve?
You never choose one drink - just have them both,
And when your game is over - you just leave.

Are your beliefs and thoughts all sound and clear?
Do you believe in what you see and hear?
You feel alone, ‘cause no one in world has ever cared
That you were lonely, lost, and hurt, and scared.

You never satisfy the urge to live,
Grasping each breath like next one doesn’t happen.
You keep carousing to make them all not see
What is your weakness to be used as weapon.

You have the role, the lines and perfect play,
Follow the plan, the schedule and strict rules.
Wearing a tie and smile, you start the day
Where fake smiles and lies replace your truth.

he creeps to his hole
to see no light
and goes outside,
when it gets cloudy;
afraid of being blinded,
afraid of being stabbed
by the sun's sharpened blades
of sunshine.

he avoided the sun
for six hundred days,
bought dark shades to cover
his windows,
microdozed the light
to get confused and dazed,
and got lost behind
his thick doors.

and he blamed the sun
for being too bight
and not letting him out
of his shady hole,
but he was the one
not to accept the light
that the welcoming sun
has brought.