I am amazed.

As I sit here,
Completely still,
Watching this thing called life pass by me hour by hour.

I watch as the weight of stress and struggle and fear
push us in the shell of so called “protection”.

I am left fearful when the thoughts of the future
not working out in my plans
Overtake the wonderful miraculous thoughts of the little things.

When the mirror speaks harsh words of criticism,
When I look at my reflection and see nothing but scars and dust.

When the tears spill,
No,
Flood over the rim of mine and all the hurting’s sparkling eyes,

When I see the pressure of trying to fit “in”
hold back the beautiful smiles that were carefully sketched in love.

When I feel like its only me against the world,
I tightly close my eyes.

Hoping above hope that nobody will see me.

But then.
I feel a gentle tug.

And I open my eyes.

I am left breathlessly in awe and wonder.

With opened eyes,
I see beauty.

I see this Beauty literally take all of the stress,
The struggle,
The fear out of our hearts and replace it with hope,
and a type of love that no vowel nor consonants placed together can describe.

I am reminded that my future isn't something to fear,
Because it is not my future.
It is not my plans.
I am awestruck by the truth of this.

As I look at this Beauty and try to fathom why it is looking back.
It shows me that the mirror,
that the reflection that so taunts me,
Is broken.

It is broken by the marvelous hand of perfection.
It sets me free of judgement and opinions.

It sees my ugly scars and kisses them,
It sweeps the dust off and says, “There, I have made you in my perfect image.”

It gives me examples of what real beauty is,
of the majesty of finding myself in someone complete.  

I am so captivated.

My smile breaks the creases of the frown that holds me back.
My heart and soul leap for joy at the mere thought of being able to share about the One who gave me this unbreakable happiness.

The King of Glory is enough for me.

I will have times when I am pushed down.
When all the scars become too much,
When I foolishly think I can do it alone.

BUT

My Savior,
My Beauty,
My Perfection,
My All in All,
My Comforter,
My Creator,
My Joy,
My Love,
My Everything,


Will always,
and I mean always,
Gently help me up into His forgiving arms
and say very slowly,
To get it through our stubborn heads,

“You. Are. Mine.”

I am filled with thankfulness.
My heart is overflowing with tears of joy.
I did not know that I can posses this much happiness.

Not long ago I believed that I would never see my beloved
slice of paradise once again.
That I would not see my beloved little brothers and sisters in Christ.

I prayed and cried out to my Heavenly Father to bring me back,
bring me back to where I saw His light shine brilliantly.

I had come to accept that I might never see my kids again,
or see the night sky sparkle like Jesus is smiling
and the stars are His dimples.

But like always,
If it’s His will be done,
It will be done.

I am blessed.
Beyond what I deserve I am blessed.

I got the call,
the call to once again go back
to the place where my heartbeat is etched into the beautifully,
dusty mountain tops.

My heart sings out louder than a opera singers G sharp.
My hands spring out to their very limits to praise my Father
who loves me.

My head lowers humbly,
recognizing that I do not deserve the pleasure that had befallen me.
Knowing I can only get my fullness in Jesus Christ who gives me
my pleasures in life.  

I am blessed.
Beyond what I deserve I am blessed.

I knew it was going to be a struggle,
I did not have the necessities to go.
But My Lord and Savior told me not to give up,
to trust He is in control.
Whether or not He sends me,
He is in control.

Truly,
I am blessed.

My all sufficient Father answered my prayers.
He sent me a one of a kind family.

A type of family that is overjoyed to hear my news of merriment.
A type of family that loves to support by trading cents and dollars,
for cookies and treats and cheesecake.
A type of family that celebrates my love for Christ
and my need to serve Him.
A type of family that grieves together,
cries together,
laughs together,
comforts together,
loves together,
and worships together.

A type of family that deserves my unending thanks of gratitude.

I get to go back to the place that has forever stolen a piece of my heart.

I am blessed.
Truly,
truly,
blessed.

Thank you my very loved faith family.

Weak in the knees.
Trembling of the hands.
Stutters of words.
Fluttering of the heart.

Those are just a mere samples of what happens
when you step into the room.

The constant need to make you smile that
oh so adorable laugh of yours,
It’s something I can’t control.

The countless hours of preparation just for a one second,
second glance.  

The soft yet noticeable blush
that somehow always find it’s way to my cheeks when you
pay a compliment or make fun of my clumsiness.

Is this real?
Or my overactive imagination?

I must do something.
If I don’t,
regret will definitely make its stay.

Here I go,
about to make the move.
It has to happen.

I see you.
I smile,
watching you enjoy the company of your friends always makes my day.

One step.
Thats all I have to take.
One tiny step and I can finally get to know the real you.

Alas,
As I get closer the fear sets in.

Will you say yes?
What will you do?
Will you take my hand?
Will you totally just turn around and ignore me forever?

I do not want that.
I like you to much.

Finally.
I arrive at your side,
patiently awaiting my turn for your attention.

You turn to me,
looking at me with those pretty close to perfect eyes of yours.

I look up at you,
about to ask,
about to say what I want to say.
What I must say.

I panic.
Heart beating more than a mile a minute.
I can’t do this.

Fear is definitely a challenge to overcome.

I open my mouth
Words that I do not want to come out,
Come out.

Although I get to see the smile I adore so much,
I don’t get to see it whenever I want.

Stage ****** has totally won this time.

But you wait,
yes sir,
you wait.

There will be a time  when I step out of the cage that prevents me from what I want.

And that time?

Will be glorious.

It will most likely be funny.

I hope you’re ready.

It looks like it will happen sooner rather than later

A beautiful child was taken from this earthly creation.
She was brought to the haven of our Savior's loving arms.

She had a smile that could reach a thousand hearts.
She’d spread joy like it was a sprinkler and we were the grass.
Even when she lacked the words to comfort you,
She gave you her shoulder to cry on
And told you everything is going to be okay, because Someone loved you so much.

She had a heart that would make all the diamonds
glitter red with jealousy.
And the best part?
That precious heart shined for Jesus.

When you felt like a stranger,
she would welcome you with open arms.
Whether you like it or not.

When you were feeling like the ugliest,
she would tell you how beautiful you are,
how God made you perfectly.

She cared for children with all her heart.
She would laugh with them,
dance with them,
cry with them,
celebrate with them,
loved them.

She was a true disciple of our Lord, Jesus Christ.
She was a beautiful child.
She is a beautiful child.

I admit,
I wasn't as close to her as I wanted to be.
My heart is saddened to it’s depths that she is no longer with us,
That we won’t be able to see that smile.

In the moments of doubt and lack of understanding,
I called out to Him.
Asking why,
why was this in His will?
  
But just like it says in the words of truth,
“ Even before we call to Him, He answers.”

A peace like none other fell upon my shoulders;
Whispering calmly,
“Trust in My unfailing love.
Know that your friend is with Me for a reason.
A reason that is so perfect,
that no ones understands it yet.
Evil cannot win what I have conquered,
My love is your Truth.”

The peace that now beholds my heart is one of a loving Father.
Telling me
We will all see that beautiful breathtakingly, devoted child of His again
One day,
Whether He calls us home or when He returns.

We will be seeing her doing what she does best,
Praising Him.
And of course,
Smiling.

I am overjoyed that she is with Our Lord God,
Our heavenly Father,
Because in living she died,
But in dying she lives.

I see you,
Yes you.
The one trying to hide
from all your troubles.

You’re not fooling everybody.

You with the pound of cover up
Thinking it highlights your natural beauty,
When all it does is shadow your sadness.
And that fake laugh you give when around “friends,"
I see how it doesn't reach your twinkling eyes.
I see you making stuff up just to “fit in”
To be noticed.

You’re not fooling everybody.

I see how the world affects you.
I see how you try to hide all your hard problems
with the way you act.
.
When you talk behind My back,
It breaks my beating heart.
The one who really sees you.
The one who really understands.

You seem to think that I do the same
When all I really want is to show you My love,
My way.

You show everybody your real self,
The one you think is real at least.
When it’s the thing that holds you back the most.

Yet I made you to give your heart.
Can’t you see that?

I see you giving yourself to the wrong kind of love
Love that is not true,
Love that I didn't create to be something beautiful.

I see when your tears topple over onto your pillow from
all the rejection and judgment that has come your way.
Don’t you see how I will never reject you?

It makes my heart and soul ache to soothe you.
I long to comfort you.

Can’t you see how I just want to see the smile I have given you?

Don’t you understand how I just want you to see my love?
My beautiful, perfect love that is Unending
Understanding
Giving
Hopeful
Boundless
Fulfilling
Faithful.

The­re is so much more to my love,
So much more I want to show you.
But you have to search.

You have to be willing,
You have to break through that cage.
You remember,
The cage you have put around your heart.
The heart I made to see Me.

I will never tire of chasing you.
It saddens Me when you try to hide from Me.
But that doesn't mean I won’t always be there,
Willing for you to find Me.

When you hear the wind, creating perfect pitch,
Think of Me.
When you hear a child's pure laughter,
Think of Me.
When you see a man and a woman staring into each others eyes
with the love I have given them,
Think of Me.
When you see that multicolored beauty in the sky after a rain fall,
Think of Me.
When you see, smell, feel, hear, touch,
the beauty I have made for you,
Think of Me.
When you feel that deep longing for something more,
Don’t look for the first thing that comes your way,
Only. Think. Of. Me.
I will certainly be thinking of you.

I have equipped you with all the right things you need to find me.
I will push you in the right direction.
Once you start looking,
You won’t be able to stop.

I will put people in your life.
No, not the ones who only take.
But the ones who I approve of.
The ones who will encourage and always be there for you,
On this terrifying journey called life.

I leave for now,
with this promise.

I promise to be the best friend anyone can ever ask for.
I will never stop bringing you towards me.

All you have to do is
Find Me.

There is something in a moment,
That just takes your breath away.

It makes you feel excited and scarred
At the same time.
It makes you want to scream at the top
Of your lungs how happy you are.
It gives you those good and bad chills
You know,
The good when you get your first kiss
And the bad when you lose a dear friend.
Positively, both are a blessing in disguise.

It makes you look up at the sky,
And wonder how amazing everything is.

It gives you the feeling of being loved.

It makes you think.
It gives you courage.
It gives you the strength to do things,
Things you didn't think you could do.

It shows you how to believe in yourself.
It helps you,
Teaches you,
Guides you
Gives you hope,
Gives your life meaning.

All these things are great.
But it’s not about all that.

When you are in one of those moments,
Just take another moment,
You have plenty to go around
And realize, this moment,
These amazing moments are happening because,
someone is giving it to me.

Someone is giving me all these amazing moments,
Because that someone loves me enough
To want to see me happy.

There are bad moments though,
Where you just want to escape

When you do find yourself in one of these,
Do the same thing,
Take a moment,
Think,
Cry out,
And that someone will give you a beautiful moment.

He is the only thing that makes the moment,
Worth living.

She smiles at the sunrise,
She laughs with the sunshine,
She dances with the clouds,
She gives her heart to the blue skies,
She shows all the rays of light how to be joyous,
She loves the sunset.

But when dusk finally comes,

She sings to the stars, but the stars don’t sing back.
She calls for the moon, yet there is no answer.
She tries to show her heart to the Milky Way,
But all it wants is perfection.

She cries out to the galaxies,
To accept all she has to offer,
But all they want is perfection.

She cries out to the ocean,
Desperate for comfort,
But the ocean only wants the sea.

She tries to give them things she doesn’t have,
But it takes all of her.

She prays for their happiness,
But they don’t understand her prayers.

But when she is at the end,
The end of her hope,

She finds a rock.

This rock is like none other,
When she picks it up,
She sees herself,

She expects to see ugliness,
Worthlessness,
Hopelessness,
A creature.

But what she sees isn’t what she expects,

She doesn’t see all the things she tries to be,
She doesn’t see the smile she wears when she is in pain,
Doesn’t see the things she tries to give.

With this rock
She doesn’t have to be perfect,
Because this rock is perfect for her.

And with this rock,
All she sees,

All she sees
Is herself.