when you realise you're no longer a try hard. you don't try hard to impress anyone,
at work
school
your friends and family
or your potential date.
some guys think too high of themselves.
they think they're irreplaceable.
or that i can't forget him or he hurt me a lot.
he's really really wrong.

i let things flow. how they wanna go.
i realised i don't sing sad songs the same anymore. i don't try as hard. and i still manage to sound good imo. but i think all the experiences i've had made me learn a lot.
and i will continue to do so.

I DON'T ALLOW PEOPLE TO HURT ME. even with words. and actions.

it's been... 4years since my family issue. i'm learning better to cope woth it now. i've became so much better. time heals everything, huh?

i was wrong a few years back. we can love someone new. (we are able to love someone new.)

just like how we can transit from relationship to relationship over time when dating.

i'll remember that sudden cheek kiss and the kisses on my hand and your thigh grabs and the different ways you held my hand and finger nail rubs on my palm the thumb game we played when holding hands lying my head on your shoulder sometimes your head on mine your hugs your smiles our small little "quarrels"—cold war.

the way you speak sometimes— so childish yet cute.


but you never once told me you liked me. or that i was pretty.
the first time i ever felt butterflies in my stomach. genuinely. out of all the guys i met.

that want just so strong that you wanna be close to that someone. physically and emotionally. everything just felt right. at least at that moment.

almost.

it hurts the most when everything's an "almost", right?

it's funny how.. we both want each other(?) to be happy...
but why can't you just understand that i'm happiest when i'm with you?



always.

simple act of couples holding hands,  interlocking of fingers, clasping of hands. having both of their hands over their shoulders, moving forward together side by side
it's like an act you've been so familiar with. the act holding your partner's hand and stopping your partner from danger
that moment
the fluttering of your eyes like butterfly wings
hands on waist. face to face. telling sweet nothings to each other
the guy caressing your cheek with care
couples lying side by side in subways. the guy's head on the girl's. (cute af, isn't it?) like as if they'd be together forever, until they grow old. like as if their lives depend on each other.

you know what hurts?
it's when you thought you built yourself high up enough, to be confident, to be the best version of yourself, thinking you deserve the best. i thought i was satisfied with how i am right now. i tried so so hard to be where i am today.
but everything just crumbles down after one incident and then you realise actually you're
not
that
good
after
all.

when do you know he doesn't feel the same? you ask.

it's when you have to constantly apologise for having feelings for him and having confessed to him. 'sorry. sorry. sorry. for making things awkward. for making things feel like a burden.' like a fcking mantra.

while he doesn't reply at all.

does it break your heart? you were happy when you confessed to him, but when you realised he doesn't feel the same, your heart sinks, like how the anchor firmly goes deep down into the sea, heavy.

it's when, it should never have happened. you couldn't control your feelings. you wanted to express love to that piece of art you revere so much. you looked up to him.

people say love or feelings of like feels magical and all. but maybe not, maybe you thought too much about it just like how you overthink about every single thing. you mind fuzzes, images of clocks crazily ticking away, an alice-in-the-wonderland rabbit appears as well (it was something you were afraid of, that anxiousness)

like oh yeah, what did you expect from him, right? you just wanted to tell him how you feel.

just when we were gonna be friends, i ruined it.
and things just isn't meant to be i guess.

it's a mysterious feeling, right? being in love.
you think about your other half everyday, how he's doing, how was his day, if he was happy or not. you wish you could give him everything you have.

on cloud nine.
you miss seeing his face even if it's just within 24 hours.
tell him sweet nothings.
be with him.
texting the whole day.
you feel euphoria all over your body, you want to feel this feeling forever, you wanna feel happy. just talking to him would suffice. go on simple dates. he added colours to my life. and i love seeing colors. i hated black and white in the form of photos.

but what if, it turns out that everything was a lie? you thought you were in love.
him telling you he liked you. calling you babe. telling you you'll always be his babe.

it's then that you come to a realisation that you've not met him before, it was just words and empty promises, you were trapped in your own illusion. your world instantly turned back into that dull, boring and grey life.

those words. maybe you made them up in you mind. you liked him too much to think rationally. you imagined joyful scenarios with him. your future with him. dates with him. everything just started to crumble down. you believed in everything he said. until now you realised not everything was true.

he can lie to you once, he'll do it again. being sad and crying so much because of him.  you don't even know if it's forced tears or if it's real anymore.

you have no idea what is real. you start screaming. grabbing your head on both sides. clenching you hair. sitting while hugging your knees. brawl your eyes out. you thought everything was real, or some part of it was real.

i know we're not meant to be. maybe everything was a lie. i hate you for doing this to me. i once wish you were dead and never appear in my life ever again. i'd rather you ***** up other girl's lives than mine.

you left. and i'm left stranded here. it's fine. i'm fine. i'll get over this somehow. erase all those memories of you, even though it hurts. i swear it hurts so much i wish i could let go of everything and just not believe in love anymore. i'll forget you. i'll do it forcefully if need be.

wish we never fcking existed in each other's lives.

so tell me, is love a choice or a feeling?

YOU won't understand how I feel. always being cheated of my feelings.
i was in the deepest lies i created on my own.
feelings always toyed with. because i have no mind to control it. i don't know what's wrong with me.

i only want to feel how is it like to be loved. i keep trying to tear and rip my eyes away from you. but i do not know why i'm still attracted to you. you aren't even some good looking guy. why do i like you so much? why can't i find someone of my standard?

i'm really at loss for relationship stuff. i'm so so lost. i hate you for having the power to make me like this. don't give me false hope if you're not interested in a relationship. i don't even THINK you're interested. i wished i could be honest ABOUT my feelings. but i know you won't ever like me back.

don't give me attention at ALL. please. my heart aches so so much. heart strings torn and broken, ropes wrapping my heart and neck like tree vines, restricting my thoughts and breathing. my ability to think has malfunctioned. because my heart IS back to YOU again. or to be honest, it never really left.

what do I do? constantly troubled by problems that i created myself in my head. my friends keep telling me I think too much. but how can I not think when I care? how can I not think when they mean something to me?

sometimes I feel like a lost soul, just wandering around, not knowing where is truly home. where exactly is home? have I ever had a real home in the first place?

I won't mind if those friends don't treat me as someone important. It's okay. At least tell me alright.

I never intended to give you guys any burden. like too much books on a shelf that it would give way some day. I don't want to end up in a state of breakdown like how bookshelves topple down due to too much weight.

"Knock knock, can I come in?" "Yes sure, you can"

why do you guys act like all of you don't dislike me but allow me to join you? i'm so confused. Am I making a fool of myself here? Am I a clown to all of you because you guys keep treating me like this?

I feel like I can never rank high in your list of good friends. why do I keep trying so hard. it would never help. it won't ever work.

why do I keep spending time with you in hopes to get closer to you like how close we were before?

why am I making myself unhappy at the end of the day? I felt like I would've have cried at that moment. asking a friend you've got to know through me whether that friend wanted a friendship band but not asking me.

how about me? have you forgotten about me? feeling so many hurt that I couldn't even breathe properly. the pain is indescrible. almost like so many thorns on a rose piercing right through our heart. you can't stop the pain.

so tell me, is this friendship ever worth it? will it ever be?

you're in a daze. everything around you seems to have come to a standstill. you wish life can stay at a particular time in your life forever. the clock keeps ticking. trains zoom past. birds chirping. rainfall or sunshine.

all the people around you are rushing past you. you feel them brushing arms past you, but you choose to ignore it. no, you don't want to get influenced by people around you. stop.

but not with such low energy every single day, like you just wish you could lie in bed all day.
you frantically draw circles on a piece of paper. why is it that you are unhappy with your life? you're dizzy. you wish all of this headache will stop. all the pain. you want to erase all of the pain.

you want worries and stress to go away.
dear, why don't you learn? why don't you ever learn that everything is in your hands, and you're the one who determines you own destiny?

how many sleepless nights do you want to experience to finally understand that what all you want in life is balance?

feeling like a zombie that just roams aimlessly trying to find the next target. frustration in the form that you just want to rip your own face or brain off. because you just can't do things right. you blame yourself.

it's useless. those sea waves are always stronger than you are. no matter how hard you try. maybe you're just you own enemy. maybe you're fighting against yourself.

remember how in our childhood days we would feel happiness everyday without fail? looking at pretty flowers, flying kites, playing toys, playing with friends at the playground. naivety. where life was so much more brighter, filled with hope and laughter every single day.

i would do all i can to feel like that again.
and this is why, i can't sleep all night.

Do you ever try to stop yourself from liking someone so much because you know they'll never like you back and you do not want to cause unnecessary trouble for the other party?

Even if you already know what the outcome will be, but you just can't help yourself from falling for that person?

Because I do.

At all those places you thought
you were once so familiar with,
the places you were so used to being comfortable at,
what exactly does that place remind you of?

The bad memories,
or, the good ones?

The pieces of memories that you thought you would've long since thrown away.
No, it's still there, etched in my memory.

why don't you just
trust me?
am i just all the bad things you think about me?
why can't i be the good impressions that you have of other people?
those words that should be meant for liars, hurt me, like getting bruised on my arms and legs.
these injuries get healed after a period of time.
but this time, it's not that anymore.
i'm bruised in my heart.

what makes us truly happy? what do we really want in life? i can't help but feel that we can never be really satisfied of what we have at the moment. we are too focused on what we do not have than the things we actually have.

we try to make things perfect, but realize things will not be perfect, it never will be. that ideal lifestyle, that perfect life, who doesn't want that?  we all try to work towards achieving the 'perfect' life that we dream of, that we might lose things dear to us without knowing in the process. you wish for things to turn out the way you want. we always want them to. yet things just don't necessary turn out the way you want them to be. we are then filled with regret, sadness, disappointment, and unhappiness. for giving it our all yet not achieving much.

we try all ways to release or relieve that unhappiness, stress and dissatisfaction. it's not working. it would just all pile up again in the end. this crazy vicious cycle of trying to solve problems yet not all problems can be solved.

it feels so restricting, it's as if there's always a deep weight that is constantly crushing my chest. i can't breathe, it's not that i do not want to. everything is just so tiring, that i wish i could take a break, let time stop. the constant clicking of the clock is getting too pressing.

this is the reality, and i have not learnt to accept the reality. i just can't bring myself to tear naïvety off me, thinking that things will always be fine in the end.

but is it actually wrong to have some hope in your life?
maybe this is why i feel so lost, it's as if i'm in a maze that i can never escape from.

I guess all of us would have to vow to love our partner for an eternity no matter what circumstances after our marriages.
we would try our best to keep that promise.

both of you didn't. the situation got worse that it came to the point that we had to live separately.
i thought the situation was under control after a while.

i was utterly wrong because this happened. are we all that afraid of loneliness? did you even love your first partner you promised you'd be committed and loyal to?  how did you even have that face and guts to do that? for your own happiness?  do you really think this is your 'new found love'? how could you ruin someone's only hope that you were a good person? you ruined other peoples' happiness today too. (and i thought i saw the disappointment in my grandma's eyes today)


you promised. however, i guess that was a promise you made hastily without much consideration. because that promise was broken anyway. today is just the consequence of all the things you've failed to do or say to keep to that promise. (you'll never be able to love someone new)

you were someone precious to me. is it crazy to say that you were the best thing that ever happened to me, and yet we weren't even together?
you were like a dream i'd never expect to dream of. (in a good way)
you gave me a lot to remember, all those sweet and fun moments that we shared. (i wonder if you'd remember any of them at all)
you made me smile a lot & you made me really happy.
we won't get see each other again. (i won't get to see you anymore)
-

and I can only hold onto these memories you gave me
after a while, all these memories would fade away.
i won't be able to hold onto you anymore–you'd be slipping through my fingers. ((but it isn't as if i got hold of you once))
because of these memories you have given me, i'd like to think that you're precious to me
i would never want to lose you (but i never had you)

losing sleep because of you is worth it, because you just mean this much to me
thinking of you at midnight crazily like this is worth it
because.

you're way too precious to me.

when you first touch the plaster that has been newly stuck to your skin– it would feel foreign, because you're not used to it.
the plaster that protected you from any other injuries
that would make you wince in pain,
it didn't want to see you hurt anymore.
that plaster,
that helped you heal your wounds faster.
But now that you got used to it, you took that plaster (me) for granted and threw me away like how you would after the plaster helped you heal your wounds (helped you when you had problems)
maybe i was just like a plaster
too clingy,
one that just gets stuck to your skin and does nothing but irritate you
it feels horrible to feel this way because you meant so much of a friend to me
but
i meant absolutely nothing to you. (just a plaster)