They say loneliness is the worst emotion one can experience
Emptiness resides
What am I missing
Time moves relentlessly
Where are you

I’m angry
I’m angry that once again I let a situation escalate to the point where I can’t catch my breath
I’m angry that the bottle of white wine sitting on my nightstand looks more appealing than life itself
I’m angry
I’m angry that I have no idea what truly is wrong with me
What really lies beneath my clouded mind
Where are its roots planted
Where the **** is this coming from
Why am I so ******* sad
Why don’t I have the strength to scream for help anymore
Why is this comforting
Why is this feeling of hopelessness the father I never had
Why can I feel it’s warmth surrounding me and enveloping and caressing me and loving me because lord knows I can’t help myself
Why is this comforting
Crying and screaming into my pillow until I turn blue
Feeling my hands aggressively grasping my throat
Like a game
To see how long I last before turning red
Then blue
Then purple
Why is this comforting
Asking my brother for an old pencil sharpener
Forcefully removing its blade
And inflicting every ounce of pain I feel onto my skin
Until blood is no longer scary
Until the sting and opened wound just becomes
Comforting  
Why is this comforting
Feeling so desperate you start believing in God again
Hoping you’re not alone
Praying this isn’t what life is about
Why is this comforting
Feeling everything
Or feeling nothing at all
It’s all or nothing in this world
But that you already knew
You already knew that no matter how hard I tried to show you
No matter how many times I’ve given you my lenses
On how a poor soul views the world
How concerning my feelings can become
And how dark they will lie
You failed to treat me
How you would treat a porcelain doll

No one understands how deep my pain is rooted and its complexity
Where its roots spreads to, where its leaves and flowers blossoms
No one understands as no one truly knows the origin of its seed
Where it came from and why it came to be
Why does it cluster my mind and suffocate the life out of it
And the life of others
My friends and family
Why does it hurt the ones that I love the most
Spreads without my consent
Without my permission
Targeting my loved ones heart and minds
Reaching their soul and well being
Destroying them
Killing me more more emotionally than physically
Because the destruction of those around me caused by my seed
Is worse than the destruction of myself
As one can find comfort from fading away
Maybe being swept back to the earth, where I took my first breath and hopefully my last
But that shouldn’t cause others suffering and torment
But instead relief and liberation
May god help those I love when I am no longer scouring the earth
As I love them more than I could possibly love myself
But this one thing I must do
Is selfish
Please forgive me

I don’t know how to feel
It seems as if nothing has true meaning
Nothing interests me anymore
Nothing speaks to me like it used to
I try to distract myself from my emotions
Staring at my phone endlessly until dark
Waiting for someone to love me again
To care for me the way you used to
Maybe hookup with a stranger
Or my old crush
Maybe drink to the point where my surroundings feel like void
To the point where I feel invincible
I can conquer the world
Get the life I have always wanted
But where does the spiral of my pain end
If the the cycle even breaks
Where does my numbness release actual emotion instead of superficial feelings
Do I keep waiting?
For my outbreak
My happiness sparking up, allowing me to live rather than survive
When does this end
When does my soul breaks free from the emptiness surrounding it
Trapped
Poising it with despair and constant worry
Killing it slowly
But painfully
It’s a slow death
A failed suicide

The vulnerability of love is terrifying
When one opens up their hearts
The experience of true rawness and nakedness
Open wounds and cuts left bare
Although love allows for much virtue and peace
It can influence the insanity that resides in all of us
Is it worth it

X-
Imagine a world
Where this sensation would resonate forever
Our organic matter and chemically induced brain could produce it
Naturally
Everything seems simple now
There’s so much beauty in this serenity
It’s almost euphoric
The taste of peace is tempting
But my mind won’t allow for that amount of tranquility
Unfortunately I was born to endure everlasting ups and downs
This stillness is sensational
Who would have thought the cease of time would feel so exhilarating
It’ll be over soon
Let me enjoy this
Before the handles begin moving again

How can one feel nostalgic
With no knowledge on what to feel nostalgic about
I let nostalgia and emptiness intertwine
The lack of physical and emotional connection is detrimental for one’s soul
Meaningless ***
Money and drugs
One can continuously try to fill the void they experience
But we’re human
We all thrive off the feeling of need and importance
Who doesn’t like feeling wanted and loved
The moment two souls become one
Spiritually inclined to one another
We desperately try to achieve this through all means
Because of its rarity and true rawness
The vulnerability and nakedness of a body
The purest and most treasured form of flesh
We long for acceptance and connection
But to what cost
Is it worth feeling excruciating pain
For a taste of euphoria
How agonizing is the come down
Of ecstasy
Ecstasy being love of course
And the come down being heartbreak
Are you ready for the come down
When your long lost flame is gone
And your nothingness weighs more than before
Why do you think
People don’t stay alone for long
Why not share that emptiness with another
To avoid feeling it all together
Are you ready for the come down
This game is dangerous
Dating loses its vulnerability
*** becomes one’s way of pouring anger, frustration and sadness into another
A body we could care less about
And ask to leave when we decide
The pleasure isn’t worth it anymore
Because it’s not them
Are you ready for the come down
Our greed will be our detriment
And so will our ignorance
We fail to realize the only love we should be longing for
Is the love towards ourselves
We seek our weaknesses and every ounce of insecurity
The reflection of ourselves is nauseating and unbearable
We see ourselves as frail , unfit to be breathing or alive
We presume our thoughts and feelings  to be wrong, stupid or lack significance
Disgusted
The mind, body and soul overwhelmed
Are you ready for the come down
No, you’re not
And that’s all right
I want to believe there is more to life than everlasting pain and discomfort
That I won’t have to live with the feeling for hollowness for long
And as much as I want to ease those feelings with another soul
I must wait
But until then
I will share parts of myself
Without giving them away
And love myself the way I love you

You know when people talk about main characters
The significance their lives hold
The value of each and every breath they take
The impact within their community
Maybe even the world
Their overall presence, glorified by those around them
Like Kings and queens
Their say means more than most
Their opinions and feelings always validated
And always supported
Now think of the opposite
Someone who’s presence is rarely noticed
Like walls
They breathe and listen to conversations they weren’t supposed to hear
But people forget they’re there
So they suffer in silence
Most of their screams are unheard until it’s too late
Their  scars often cut too deep
Their wounds never truly heal
They are never given an opportunity to live because of the infinite battle between themselves
They thrive off their insecurities and suffering
Their comfort lies within the consistency of their pain
Their pain rooted from unresolved trauma
Which snowballed into feelings of disparity and hopelessness
Maybe they feel undesirable
A broken record having the same repeated feelings cross their minds over and over again
That they’re too broken to be loved
That the glue for their scattered pieces will remain lost
That it’s not worth it
It’s best to stay away
Your love for them never lasts they say
Because as soon as you see them with their guards down
The ugly comes out

Can I do this?
No really, I ask myself
I ask myself what it would like to be unbroken
Strong and independent
Fully able to fend for myself and take on what life has left for me to tackle
Can I do this?
Wake up every morning with no pain
No soreness in my mind or body
Not one drop of disparity
Can I do this?
Love myself so passionately that words will no longer be able to get through
Because my skin would be so thickened, so dense that not even the most hurtful words could leave me lifeless
Fully able to look at my own reflection and only feeling pure love and self acceptance
Not one drop of insecurity
Can I do this, I’m asking you
Can I feel like I’m enough
For others
Or for me?
Can I feel worthy enough to walk this earth and feel no shame
Can I walk by the most beautiful woman on earth
And not feel embarrassed
Can I walk by the smartest person currently alive
And not feel uneducated or simply just stupid
Can I live with myself
Can I live with my ******* up mind, my terrible temper, my raging insecurity and my constant self loathing heart
I can’t, im telling you now
And who could
Because there is not one person I know on this planet who could live being with myself
Because I know who I am
And I’m not who I wish to be, nor who I wish to live with
Because if I lived with myself
I would **** her
Just like I’m killing me

I looked in your eyes and saw my future
Happiness, marriage, children
I looked in your eyes and also saw pain
Disloyalty, distrust, betrayal
You were a burden on my soul
The anchor to my sadness
But it was all hidden behind your beautiful blue eyes
Trapped in its endless oceans
As it seemed all was good on the outside
Behind your bright blue eyes
Because your smell gave me comfort
Your hugs protected me from outer harm
Your laugh brought me peace
And reason to see another day
Yet no one knew
You were what I needed protection from
Because your words pierced me like blades
Entering my skin
Reaching my heart
To the point where letting go
Would hurt too much for me to handle
You made me feel unimportant
Trust had long faded away
You made me feel insecure
Trapped in my own body
Unable to give you that you wanted
But it was all ok
Because once I looked into your eyes again
I was dragged back into your ocean
Trapped forever
Drowning silently