I looked in your eyes and saw my future
Happiness, marriage, children
I looked in your eyes and also saw pain
Disloyalty, distrust, betrayal
You were a burden on my soul
The anchor to my sadness
But it was all hidden behind your beautiful blue eyes
Trapped in its endless oceans
As it seemed all was good on the outside
Behind your bright blue eyes
Because your smell gave me comfort
Your hugs protected me from outer harm
Your laugh brought me peace
And reason to see another day
Yet no one knew
You were what I needed protection from
Because your words pierced me like blades
Entering my skin
Reaching my heart
To the point where letting go
Would hurt too much for me to handle
You made me feel unimportant
Trust had long faded away
You made me feel insecure
Trapped in my own body
Unable to give you that you wanted
But it was all ok
Because once I looked into your eyes again
I was dragged back into your ocean
Trapped forever
Drowning silently

I’m angry
I’m angry that once again I let a situation escalate to the point where I can’t catch my breath
I’m angry that the bottle of white wine sitting on my nightstand looks more appealing than life itself
I’m angry
I’m angry that I have no idea what truly is wrong with me
What really lies beneath my clouded mind
Where are its roots planted
Where the **** is this coming from
Why am I so ******* sad
Why don’t I have the strength to scream for help anymore
Why is this comforting
Why is this feeling of hopelessness the father I never had
Why can I feel it’s warmth surrounding me and enveloping and caressing me and loving me because lord knows I can’t help myself
Why is this comforting
Crying and screaming into my pillow until I turn blue
Feeling my hands aggressively grasping my throat
Like a game
To see how long I last before turning red
Then blue
Then purple
Why is this comforting
Asking my brother for an old pencil sharpener
Forcefully removing its blade
And inflicting every ounce of pain I feel onto my skin
Until blood is no longer scary
Until the sting and opened wound just becomes
Comforting  
Why is this comforting
Feeling so desperate you start believing in God again
Hoping you’re not alone
Praying this isn’t what life is about
Why is this comforting
Feeling everything
Or feeling nothing at all
It’s all or nothing in this world
But that you already knew
You already knew that no matter how hard I tried to show you
No matter how many times I’ve given you my lenses
On how a poor soul views the world
How concerning my feelings can become
And how dark they will lie
You failed to treat me
How you would treat a porcelain doll

You know when people talk about main characters
The significance their lives hold
The value of each and every breath they take
The impact within their community
Maybe even the world
Their overall presence, glorified by those around them
Like Kings and queens
Their say means more than most
Their opinions and feelings always validated
And always supported
Now think of the opposite
Someone who’s presence is rarely noticed
Like walls
They breathe and listen to conversations they weren’t supposed to hear
But people forget they’re there
So they suffer in silence
Most of their screams are unheard until it’s too late
Their  scars often cut too deep
Their wounds never truly heal
They are never given an opportunity to live because of the infinite battle between themselves
They thrive off their insecurities and suffering
Their comfort lies within the consistency of their pain
Their pain rooted from unresolved trauma
Which snowballed into feelings of disparity and hopelessness
Maybe they feel undesirable
A broken record having the same repeated feelings cross their minds over and over again
That they’re too broken to be loved
That the glue for their scattered pieces will remain lost
That it’s not worth it
It’s best to stay away
Your love for them never lasts they say
Because as soon as you see them with their guards down
The ugly comes out