Elana Levitan

Elana Levitan Mar 2018

I feel as if I have lived a thousand lives,
and that I will live a thousand more

flashes, glimpses, memories they call imagination and dreams
Yet to me they all feel real, the tastes, the touch, the sounds

I can feel the sensation in the moment

The other day, just for a moment, I saw myself walking down a long hallway, the wind, whipping my hair and dress, pouring in through the open windows

and just for a moment, I was her, this woman with the small smile, striding down this corridor, and I wanted to be her, become her

My next life, my next chapter, and even if I struggle to find the beginning of the path that leads to her, I have a million lives calling me forward

Elana Levitan Mar 2018

I am dying

I am dying, and I do not mean metaphorically
I have been afraid to say it out loud, afraid to give it power
But the truth is I am dying, and they cannot find out why
No food will stay down, my hair falls out in the breeze
and body is melting away

With the damage being caused I will have stomach cancer
in a year or two

...and I have been hiding this
from my friends, my family

I tell my parents I want to travel the world believing this is my last chance
and they say, think about your future you'll need your savings

But I am thinking about my future
and how if my life continues down this path I will not have one

I watch blood drip from my nose and feel the pain in my abdomen
and know

I never dreamed of the day I would hope they would discover cancer just so I could have a fighting chance

But I see death, like an old friend, patiently waiting for me
I am dying, at 23, and I know, all alone......

…Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake…

Yet I’m still fighting, for if I die before I wake, no regret shall this soul take

Elana Levitan Feb 2016

One Day, If Only

I am tired...

I am tired of feeling my body dying and knowing I cannot stop it
I am tired of falling asleep and waking to the pain that has no end
I feel as if I am drowning in a room full of people yet no one notices

In my mind I see a hallway with hundreds of doors, a million choices waiting for me to take
But there is no exit only more doors, more choices, more darkness

One day I will see the star leading me out into the light,
where there is one door and it will lead me to my sunset
where my body will heal, and the pain will fade

One Day, If Only

Elana Levitan Dec 2012

Ghost

I see you standing there
just out of my reach
I try to call to you or run to you
but the harder I try the more I fade

somedays you are barely visible
and others I feel like I could just reach out and touch you

you haunt my dreams and memories
a constant reminder that what I lost is gone

somedays you make me go crazy
I want to scream

but every time I turn around
you're still there
a never-ending reminder
of what was ripped away from me

Elana Levitan Nov 2012

Forgotten Love

You said you loved me, but now you love her
what about me now?
You held me while I cried and was in pain.
you took care of me when I was sick and always thought i was beautiful
you showed me what true love is along with true heart break
I wish I could thank you for everything you've given me
but for now i am forced to smile and tell you I already forgot it all
I wish I could tell you I'm afraid to love after you, I am afraid to show another person the scars you left on my heart
One day it will stop hurting and I will really smile
but you will always have that part of my heart whether you want it or not

Elana Levitan Nov 2012

Blind

You give up...
til you shut down

why have I let go of so much
to hold on to something past

you made me see a new me
but with the distance between us she is gone

One day I will wake up and see
how i can truly be

Until that day i can finally be set free
of the heavy memories that weighs me down

Forever will I wear this mask
that hides the real me

I have become blind
But one day soon I will see

— The End —