Abuse doesn't happen overnight
It slowly builds over time
Nothing is always black an white
Sometimes it starts in the gray
As a fluke

And then when it's too late
The obvious signs glaring in your face
As you are in disbelief
How did this happen
To me

A loss for words
Attempting to
Reclaiming your power
Only to be knocked down
Once more
Struggling to understand
When did it get so bad

Then finally
When you had enough
You make your escape
Only to look back
And recount the times
You ignored the
Warning signs
That seemed insignificant
Only to be the entry
Point needed to
Fall victim
for his abuse

Before I can forgive him
For the pain, trauma
violence, and manipulation
He had me endure
I must first forgive
Myself
For staying in an
Unhealthy situation
And not feel guilty
For leaving him behind
While I move forward
in my life

I have changed
I am not the same person
For better or worse
Only time will tell
I feel different
I am not the same
Bubbly person
I once was
But she is still there
Hiding and waiting
To reemerge
Healing must accrue
In due time
So I can go
Back to feeling myself
Once more
And recognize the person
I see in the mirror
Starting back at me
The person
I was meant to be

You come in to my life hot and heavy
Then leave me broken and empty
Only to repeat
This constant boomerang
Of a roller coaster of unresolved
Emotions
Never to be explained
Or healed
I would have moved mountains for you
If you could open your eyes
To see me and the love
I would have poured into you
Had you wanted it
Only for me to realize
I am not your endgame
I am someone you might care
But I am not the one
You see a future with
Only when it's convenient
For you
As you boomerang
In and out of my life
Once more

hiding your face behind a mask
forcing a smile
pretending you're okay
It is painfully hard to live in a world
and show no emotion
Sometimes it's easier to pretend
put on that fake smile
and force it down your throat
deep down anxiety building up
depression overwhelming
pretending you are okay
when all you want to do is
let that mask down
Peek behind it
Letting that mask slip
even at the slightest
puts me in jeopardy
in my head,
I am screaming with anxiety
wanting to slip this mask off
to show the pain that I'm in
but deep down
I know this mask
is the only thing
preventing me from showing
the emotions that are bubbling over
who will care if you drop that mask
this mask puts everyone at arm's length
Where can I be with no judgment
where can I be with no mask
I do not feel I can be myself
without putting on the mask that
everyone is familiar with
Who associates this front
That feels disingenuous
A lie for sanity
That is destroying me
From the inside out

Your kindness
Compassion
And patients
Calms me
I feel safe and steady
In your arms
I am not worried
Of my past nor
What the future
May entail
But rather living
In the moment
With you
Healing in your
Steadfast heart

Everything was magical
And new
I felt I was the luckiest
Person alive
But slowly
The beautiful facade
That was painted with
Rose colored glasses
Began to chip away
One piece at a time
Slowly revealing the horror
I would endure
In an endless nightmare
As I held the broken fragments
That created your mask
Holding onto a memory of a
Fictional character
only to
never be
seen again
Bonded by trauma
Holding so tight
Suffocating in
My own misery
Unable to recognize myself
In the mirror
Knowing I need to break free
Of this nightmare
Of a life
I did not sign up for