I messed up something, that I don't think I will ever find again.
I made mistakes that could never be forgiven, but that will never be repeated. This is for the boy who has my heart in a headlock, for the boy I will do anything for.

I needed to find some way to make it up to you.
But gifts and persuasive phrases weren't going to do us justice.
I needed to find a better way, a way that the truth could be heard past mountains and in a way that the fish in the unexplored parts of the ocean, would know how much you mean to me.
Everything I do, I thought was for the best, but the lengths of how wrong I was, cannot be measured with a meter stick.
Your happiness should always come before mine, but it radiates into my soul when I see you smiling, and the sun shines on both of us.
I am not me without you, you stimulate my brain cells and the nerves throughout my chest.
Your arms are where I seek shelter, your lips where my words reside.
I know I'm in the wrong when I need to be in the right,
but I will not give up my fight for you,
I would give up my life for you.
I will look you in your brown eyes and I will tell you I love you without blinking.
Because my eyes can't tell lies, and my eyes can keep promises.
I will look you in those beautiful brown eyes, and tell you that our lives will stay our lives,
Not an invasion of someone else's eyes.
Our problems are not so much problems as they are desperation to be okay again,
To work out our troubles and save us from the pain of separation.
Our hearts have grown accustomed to having each other around, and change will crush my spirits into the ground.  
I can have no one, as long as I have you to take up the empty space in my life, that triggered me to want a future that didn't involve darkness, and you brought the light.
My actions were worthy of the fights that I caused, and the pain that I brought, but in no way was it worth it.
My apology will spread across days, months, years, and I will prove to you that I can be better. I will prove to you that I will sacrifice anything to create happiness within your heart.
To prove to you that I love you, to prove to you that I am sorry.
That I promise I will never do it again.
I will look into your eyes without blinking, I will make your soul believe me, with my words, and my upcoming actions to make it better, and those actions won't stop until I'm dead.
I will say it without stuttering, I will say it with more confidence that I've ever had in my life.
Because I need you to know, that I will do anything for you, I will do anything you need.
I will love you.

I love you. And I'm sorry. I know that this won't trigger forgiveness by itself,
But I know that my efforts will be worth something in the end, no matter how long it takes.

Lorenzo Ruiz, I will do anything for you, I will do anything to prove that from now to the end of time you can trust me, and that I couldn't be more sorry.

I tried to save myself, but I couldn't.

My cigarettes are hidden in a red purse in the bottom drawer in my bathroom.
Along with the ****** wrappers left over from when you came over when my dad was out of town, that I was too afraid he would find when he emptied the trash when he got home.
I've only smoked a handful of cigarettes in my lifetime, but my lighters always seem to run out of fluid.
Because not even the burning incense to the left of my bed could mask the scent of you left in my nose for these eleven months.


I tried to save myself, but I couldn't.

My physical aches and pains stopped being curable by medicine, last April.
Maybe downing a handful of ibuprofen was a bad idea, because now I'm left with the heartburn caused by my worn away stomach lining, and the thought of you, loving her.
Oh the irony, fix the pain caused by pills, with a medication. But my lansoprazole can't prevent the pain in my chest caused by the look in your eyes when you talk about her.


I tried to save myself, but I couldn't.

My razors haven't been touched in the last seven months. Because you told me that the blood dripping from my thighs, caused guilt to drip from your chest, anger to spill from your head, so I made sure everything stayed where it should be.


I tried to save myself, but I couldn't.

These past few weeks I've been trying to help you get the girl, trying to help you get over the girl. But the girl is worth more than the efforts made by me, and the girl is more important to you, than I could ever try to be.

I tried to save you, but I couldn't.

Song. - I'm trying to make you happy.

I swear to you, that i, can make you happy, im just trying, to makeee youu happpyyy

tell me all the times, that you need someone by your side, and i, will find a wayyy, if you need to hear my voice at night, or sometime during the day, just know, that I will always try to make you happy,
ask me any favor, ask me, anything, call me when you're hungry, and food, i will bring.
If your stressed, and your back is sore, my hands will try to be the cure, so maybe, then you can continue about your day.




because i, wont give up on you,
if you,
wont give up on me,
you, are all i can see,
A crowd full of people crying,
A life, where love is worth the trying,
Especially if that someone is you
I want to help turn your mood too sunny from gloom,

I love him. That's the first thing that my thoughts tell me whenever I do something involving you. I love you. That's the first thing my thoughts tell me when I look at you everyday. For the first time,and every time until we have to say goodbye for the night. I love you. Those words roll off my lips so often, because they fill my thoughts more than my memories could ever fill up buckets, if they were a material object. My favorite three words, right after your name. Because whenever my lips day your name, I fall more in love when them, more in love with you. And I don't know what to do.
August
-I saw you. "Wow he's so pretty"
September
- I kept seeing you. "I wonder what grade he's  in"
October
- I talked to you for the first time. "Wow this kid is awesome"
November
- I really started to like you, a lot, and we started dating. "Wow, happiness, this boy is amazing"
December
- We got a bit closer, we had *** for the first time. "This boy, wow, I'm lucky he's mine. Best *** I've ever had, plus he is so sweet. What more could I ask for?"
"I won't give up on you if you won't give up on me"
January
- We got closer and started hanging out more. "I love spending time with him"
February
- We started to fall for each other. "I will be here to catch him, I hope he will be there to catch me"
March
- You told me you loved me. "This is the happiest moment ever, I love him too, I really really love him too, and I can't believe he loves me, this is amazing"
April
- We broke up for the first time. "I will do anything to get him back. I love him. I need him."
May
- We got back together, and really became best friends, we knew almost everything about each other. "This is the best relationship I've ever been in"
June
- You bought me my tiara, I was officially your princess. "He has already been my official prince for a while, I love this boy so much, I've never gotten gifts from a boyfriend before"
July
- I spent the Fourth of July with you and your family "I feel official, like I belong here with him, with them"
August
- School started again, it was weird not having you there. I missed you more than anything. "I miss renzo, I miss him so much, I need to see him"
September
- I saw you every single day. "I love you so much Lorenzo, you're my everything"
October
- You told me you were in love with me. "I've never heard anyone say that in my life, I'm glad it's him, I want it to always be him"
We broke up for the second time. "I'm so ******* hurt. So ******* sad. But he is doing this for us. I'm going to get him back. I'm going to get him back, and it's going to go better than it ever has been. He is doing this for us. I hope I can do this. I hope he can do this."

You are my best friend. If something happens, even if it's something small that doesn't matter, you're the first person I tell. You're the first person I go to for anything. If I don't spend my money on you, and I buy something for myself, I feel guilty. Because I don't ever want to live my life alone. I want to live it with you. My heart belongs to you, and I can't see it ever not belonging to you. You are my best friend. My best friend. My only friend. The only person I trust, the only person I want to be around, the only person I love. For the past 10 months you have been my life, you have been my entire life. And I don't know what to do anymore. So many thoughts run through my head, and I'm always wondering when I'm going to get you back. When will you be mine again. It's been 3 days, and I always feel like I'm dying. I don't want this to last weeks, I don't want this to last months. I can't not kiss you. I can't not cuddle you, I can't not call you babe, baby, I can't not do it. And restraining myself is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. You have no idea how much agony this is causing me, not being your girlfriend. It's awful. It's absolutely awful and I honestly don't know what to do. Being hurt by you was better when we were together, but I'm still hurt, but even more that you're not mine. I want you back so badly, I want you back so badly. I can't not go s day without seeing you, I can't do that. We have gone three months without missing a day of seeing each other, and I don't want to break that. Come back. Come back. Please come back, I need my best friend, I need my boyfriend, I need Lorenzo Ruiz, I need him more than anything. You make my life better. I am so in love with you. I will walk to you if you need me. I just don't know how much I can do without us being together. I want to be able to do this for you, I want to be able to do things with you, I want you back. My heart wants you back, my brain wants you back, my body wants you back, my lips want you back, my eyes want you back, my nose wants you back, my hands want you back, my arms want you back, my tummy wants you back, my legs want you back, my feet want you back. I love you Lorenzo Cristobal Ruiz, I love you. So ******* ******* much, you have no idea, even if you think you do, you have no idea. No idea. I really hope you're trying has hard you can, you can do it Lorenzo. You can do it. We can be happy together again babe, we can do it. I will be the only one in your heart. And I won't drop it. I won't drop it, I couldn't possibly. I will treat you like you deserve to be treated, I will make you happy, I will make you happy. I will love you, I will love you more than anyone has ever loved anything. I already do. I need you back Lorenzo. I need you back. I hope this doesn't take long. I really hope it doesn't take long. Because even though it's only been three days, I don't know how much longer I can be without my baby. You are my baby, my prince, my everything. I love you. I love you so much. Please try as hard as you possibly can, please, for us. You're doing this for us. For us, and for me, and for yourself, you can do this. You can do this. Because I need you back, and you need to have that weight lifted off your shoulders. I need you back. We need each other. We both know it. You can do it. You can do it. I know you can.

I ******* need you. I need you more than I've ever needed anything in my entire life and I know staying with you even though you're in love with morgan will hurt me like a ***** every single ******* day, but I can't be without you, I can't. I can't ******* be without you. I just hope that you will try and that I can help you try to get over her, and that eventually you will. Even if it will take years. You're my world. I'm so in love with you. I don't know what else to do. You're all I have. You're all I want. I've never tried so ******* ******* a guy before in my entire life, and I'm not going to just going to throw that away. I can't be without you. I don't know if I can do this, I don't know if I will be able to do this, but I know that I can't be without you. I just can't. We have been through too much. And right now my goal, my only goal, is to help you get over her, so you can stop hurting, and so that you can be in love with me, the kind of love where you know you're in love with me. Not just thinking you are. I don't ever want to stop being your girlfriend. I really don't. You are my life. You've been my life for the past 10 months, almost a year now. And I know this makes me sound crazy, I know it does, but I don't ever want to stop being your girlfriend, with the exception of me becoming more than that. I love you. I love you so ******* much and I'm going to continue to ******* say it for I love you as long as I feel the need to I love you because I feel I love you the need to tell you I love you every second I love you of every ******* day and I've never I love you felt that way before about anyone. I just hope that you still want to be with me, even though I'm so crazy. And I'm sorry. But I seriously can't lose you... I refuse to lose you unless you absolutely want to break up with me, because I don't want to be crazy and make you stay with me. God I already sound crazy. I don't know what to do Lorenzo. I'm saying what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling but I'm scared it's going to make you think I'm crazier than you already think I am and that you won't want to be with me, but I don't want this to be another note in my phone that I don't send you. I love you. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you im sorry I'm crazy my fingers just couldn't stop typing it because I just couldn't stop thinking it. I'm so paranoid. I just want to be with you. Just you and me loving eachother and no one else. I want that. I want happiness for both of us. I love you I love you. God I meant to stop typing this so ******* long ago and even though I'm doing this a text I might just email it to you because I know your phone will probably just keep vibrating all night because of all my parts of this message coming in. I'm sorry for typing so much there is just so much on my mind and I'm so sad and I can't sleep and I want you here so badly and I want you to tell me that you love me and I want you to hold me and kiss me and make cute noises when you look at me and I want you to lay on my tummy and just I don't know I feel that if I put my phone down and stop typing that you're so far away from me, but I feel that if I keep typing in close to you and like I'm talking to you even though I'm only writing a message to you, and not having a conversation. And then again I'm sorry this is so ******* long because I know how much you hate long things like this because you don't want to read them, but I really really really hope you read this. Or at least skim through it really fast, I don't know. Like I don't know why I'm even typing out instruction type things for how could read it when this is the end of the message, or maybe it's the middle, I don't know how much longer I can keep going but I feel like I can keep talking to you forever. But anyways why am I telling you that now when I'm not even sure if you will be reading this far? I love you so ******* much. I don't know how to explain it. I know I've said all of these things before but you know me better than anyone in the entire world, I've told you things that no one in the entire universe knows but you. And I love you. I wouldn't be typing all this out if I didn't love you so much. I know I really don't need to say it, because I know that you know that I love you, but I really just can't stop thinking it. I can't stop thinking it and I'm just typing down whatever comes to mind. I just want to spend time with you. I want to talk to you and cuddle and just hang out without any shows playing, I want to play batty cake with you and take pictures with you and I want to cook with you and make forts with you and I know how much you hate cheesy stuff like that by I like it because it makes me feel loved. I love you. I love you so ******* much and I'm sorry I'm saying it again but like I said I can't stop. I really can't. I have no idea how much more room I have in this message, but I promise I will at least try to stop once I can't put any more characters into this chat box. I'm already at 5183 characters, and I'm sorry this is so ******* long and that I'm repeating myself so ******* much but I want you here and I want to be there and I want us to be happy and I want to work as a couple for a really long time. And I want us to be a couple for a really long time, or at least for until we don't want to be anymore, but I can't think of when I wouldn't want to be. Talking to tonight about the kaylee thing and just talking tonight in general made me feel like we took a step forward in our relationship and that we got even closer than we were before, and we were already pretty close, but then this whole thing came up and I just don't know what to do. I want everything to be back to normal, I want us to be happy I want us to hang out everyday and I want you to tell me that you're in love with me. I know I'm crazy. I'm seriously so crazy, but I'm only crazy for you. I care so ******* much and I want to be cared about back and I want to be told I love you by you and I want to live with you as soon as we are able to and I want you here right now. I love you so ******* much. So ******* much and I'm so ******* broken now and I hope I don't die in m sleep if a broken heart because I want you here so ******* badly and I'm going to hold captain tyeddy beat all night and just cuddle him and cry myself to sleep and try my hardest to get out of bed in the morning, and maybe I will ditch school and walk to your house, because you're worth walking to. I'm sorry if some of this stuff doesn't make sense im getting tireder and tireder and I'm still so sad just please love me, I want you to love me and I want you to be happy and I want to be with you and I can do this even though it's gonna hurt I believe you can get over her if you really try. I believe that you can. I want to help you and I want you to be mine and I want to be yours and I'm so sorry I just don't want to stop typing this because I feel like I'm talking to you and I feel like if I stop that I will have lost you and I know I've said that already but I mean it and I'm so paranoid. I don't know what to do. I can't stop typing but I'm so tired and my eyes are so ******* swollen that I can barely see but I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you so much. Your my prince and I'm your princess. I love you. I love you I love you. I'm going to send this now, I hope you get it. I don't know. I'm going to send it as a text and an email just in case you can't get it on your phone because it is too long and I'm sorry about that. I love you so much I love you so much. Please reply when you get this and I'm coming over tomorrow to hang out with you as soon as I possibly can. I love you. You're my everything. **** I keep saying my goodbyes but I can't stop typing. I'm sorry... I will send it now. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you and I'm sorry that I'm crazy, I love you.

why complain about white people writing poems about love and cigarettes when you know that nicotine takes the pain away and the smoke masks the smell of him left on your clothes from the painful just friends hug he gave you. Because I don't care about people's opinions who don't matter when the only thing that does is in my heart but not my arms because he wanted his freedom more than he wanted me. But the sadness in his gestures and the dullness in his eyes make it harder to concentrate during the day because you're too busy worried about him to worry about life when all you want to do is replace the sadness inside him with your love, but the realization that you can't anymore crushes you almost as much as his sadness does. But you don't forget to remind him everyday how much he matters and when he tells you he wants to drop out of school and not go to college or get a job, you're itching to tell him now much he is the boy version of you but know you he won't care, and he won't listen. And maybe thats what the cigarette you keep in your purse is for. Because you love him.

I can feel the genuineness radiating off your words like the reactivity on Chernobyl. But we aren't trapped between melting glaciers falling apart with every movement of our lips. and you know me better than anyone. anyone who has touched my bones deeper than the marrow inside of them, but they never existed outside of you. you took shelter in my cells, feeding me with the healing tones of the words you send towards my heart, that make me stronger.
Because it's melting like the glaciers, but crumbling when weak and breaking like ice after an earthquake when my chest collapses on top of itself. You protect me from myself more than a bulletproof vest protects from bullets and environmentalists protect the earth. Maybe i have to scream at the universe to remind myself that my desires are within my grasp of reality. Even though my messages can't be delivered because the space program lost funding. But you're my rocket ship, my race car, my boat, my journey to the warmth that is your arms that melt the iceberg before it sinks the titanic.
The difference between us and glaciers, is that we aren't cold, and our break, won't last forever.

I love you more than the world, you're that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. You've brought me genuine happiness, a feeling I haven't felt in years. And reading that this morning was the greatest thing ever, I literally started crying, and I'm still crying as I'm writing you this. I know we both have our own battles that we are fighting, and I honestly don't know what I would do without you, you've helped me so much.  I don't know how much I have helped with your battles, but I'm trying, and if I haven't gotten anywhere yet with them, I really hope that I will. I've never felt so close to someone in my life. You are everything to me, and the day that I **** up bad enough to lose you, will be the worst day of my life. I've realized that the words "I love you" had no meaning until I met you. Now I know what it's like to genuinely love, and I know what it's like to genuinely be loved. I love you baby, more than anything in the entire world

I may be a bit high,
But I love you.
Even when I'm sober,
I'll still love you the same.
I wanted to kiss you under the sprinklers because it's the closest we get to rain
that will put my cigarette out if the sky starts crying
like I have been since you left me
to look at the stars by myself instead of holding your hand while I'm driving
and you're asleep while I look at your eyelids gently fluttering every time we pass a street lamp
that illuminates the most perfect face in the world
that is cold like your arms without a long sleeve shirt and that's why I wear sweaters
in the summer that I'd hope to spend with you
on adventures and maybe we can run through sprinklers again and this time pretend that it's rain pouring down our faces because my eyes look at you like you're the universe while yours look at me like I am a friend, I am a friend, who is in love with you, who now realizes that they are only just sprinklers,
because it doesn't rain here.

Slap me.
Slap me until your name stops coming into my thoughts every .5 seconds, I want to stop the echo that is a reminder.
Pinch me so I can wake up from the dreams I have every night, that used to be my favorite reality, but at least then I can finally hear your voice again. Speaking to me, speaking through me. Maybe alternate universes exist or maybe I took too many pills and this is dying. Because oxygen is vacuumed out of my lungs when you're sad and I need your eyes to light up like the morning sunrise I wish I could have spent staring at with you if we could even force ourselves to wake up before dawn. Perhaps soon enough I will again be drifting off into more visions of you, while listening to you sleep, feeling you breathe beneath me. Your arms are my blanket and your body my mattress, being close to you is my perfect kind of fire. But for now I will have to leave these past events and future desires in my dreams, until they can once again become my favorite reality.