All that's between us right now is a flight of stairs and
Some words we've been meaning to say, but have been
Putting off and saving for a day that might never come

I could run away or
Run into your arms or
I could just stay under the covers where I'm safe and warm and alone

You've stuck with me a couple years now,
but I've been stuck with myself much longer
I've tried my luck and I've tried to leave, but I've never tried hard enough

I haven't found a place for myself yet because they're all taken
And you haven't asked, but if you're wondering
I'm doing well out here, but I'd be better off somewhere else

Summer was spent chasing sunsets. We held on tightly to the last light of day as it slipped between the cracks in our fingers. We traveled anywhere the highways were willing to take us and passed through an infinity of small towns, each identical to the last, but growing smaller all the time. I learned to love you under endless blue skies seen from the passenger side window and in your shattered mirror, shards of glass barely hanging on. On cloudy days, we hid away in my freezing basement behind closed doors and under mountains of blankets. We shut the world out and made our own in which we felt we could belong. We would lie for hours, limbs intertwined, so close we became one. We were there, in that place, in that way, in that moment, frozen in time for all of eternity.

I'm peeling off the dead layers of skin that have been weighing me down and I'm sewing all my empty pockets shut. I've given up searching for whatever it is I lost. I don't know where I'm headed, but I'm finally moving forward. This isn't who I am or who I hope I'll become, but it's the best I can do for now. I still can't put my thoughts into words and I'm still hitting the notes off key, but I'm getting closer all the time. I won't let the loneliness get to me like it did before. I'm better off on my own. These days are coming to an end and I'm trying to make the most of them. I'm learning to carry on as if you were still breathing.

Outgrown human shells litter the earth, emptied and abandoned long ago. I've planted mine and watered it, but nothing has sprouted yet. We grow out of, but never into. I peel apart in layers and I'm starting to wonder when I'll reach the last one, or if I already have. The sandpaper skin underneath should be rough to the touch, but my hands are numb. I have to look down and make sure they're mine. I watch heat waves rise up from the cracks in the pavement and pass right through me. I offer no resistance, I have nothing left to give. I sold my soul for some peace of mind, but it hasn't been delivered yet. It's lost in transit somewhere between yesterday and tomorrow. The voice in my head tells me everything I need to know. I ask no questions because there are no answers. If there's no afterlife I don't want to die. If there's no end to this I don't want to live. I'll just keep on as I always have, drifting through gray tinted days and in and out of consciousness. I'm perfecting the art of invisibility. I see the ghosts of people all around me, but I have nothing to say to them. We're all just passing by, on our way to something else. Never something better, but at least never something worse. We won't know we're there until we're ready to move on.

The sky is three shades of blue tonight, fading into one another, creating layered horizons. I painted it myself with the hopes that someone would see and understand. Sometimes I think I'm the only one that can see the difference in the shades. Sometimes I forget that I have to share the moon. There are lights from cities in the distance filled with people that I'll never know the names of. Everyone lives a different reality.  I don't exist in any of theirs. This world around me is too big and open to take shelter in. I retreat to the safety of the forest, the only home I've ever known. There is a certain peace I cannot find anywhere else. I take comfort in the stillness and the silence. I climb to leave the world below and everything it holds behind. Only after my feet are no longer touching the ground do I feel truly free. I have longed to be held by the trees' branches, but never by you. You only take up space in my thoughts and leave me feeling a way I've never been able to put into words. I don't want to put it into words. I want back what is mine and all you've stolen from me. I'm not myself when I'm with you.

Shadows circle their captors without ever finding an exit. There isn't really a way out, but it's never stopped me from searching. I live under puddles of rainwater and in window reflections. Everything's backwards, so it makes more sense. Here time is slowed down and no one ever leaves. You never have to feel too much and not enough all at once. Your train of thought can be traced and you can always find your way back to the place you started. I don't know where I belong, if anywhere at all, but I have found a temporary home where I can rest my bones. I won't come up for air until I have to.

There is a certain heaviness to the air tonight. It fills my lungs with some indescribable feeling that I once had a name for. I know nothing save for the fact that I am completely alone in this concrete graveyard. Shadows of trees take on human form, their limbs bent at unnatural angles. Lights blur and my eyes lose focus.  Airplanes turn to stars, turn to dust, frozen in space, sending signals that cannot be read. Our frequencies travel at different speeds and in opposite directions. Intersection is unlikely, but I believe we will meet again, someday. There isn't a cloud in the sky that doesn't spell out your name. You have dove deep into the depths of my being. My thoughts are tainted, contaminated, and I can no longer separate them from yours. There is no peace of mind. You are the song stuck in my head, the stain on my shirt, the dirt under my fingernails. I head out onto the highway, into the oncoming stream of headlights. Nothing makes me feel more alive than being this close to death. This is me letting go, this is my release. I am here in this moment; you are lost in time.