caution.**

this girl's gonna blow,
so duck & cover.
she's on a path of pure destruction so,
protect yourself before anymore harm can be done.
we all know that these types of battles are rarely ever won.
she's afraid.
feeling lonely,
knowing that this is a one way street only.

I thought I saw you
It made my heart race faster
But it was not you

do you know what it's like?
do you know what it's like look at yourself & see nothing but air?
breathe.
take the gaping wounds that are placed across your skin,
take the wounds that lay hidden deep within.
hold on tight, kid - don't let them win.
don't just put on a grin, put on a smile.
you're not full of air, you're full of life.
charging up for the next big wave to hit.
it won't be easy.
but you're stronger than you think,
so take your time,
& don't be afraid to blink.

It’s cold
I watch hundreds of raindrops
Falling into puddles
What’s playing through my ear buds
And what’s playing through my mind
Come together so delicately
Like the way your fingers connect with mine
Follow me to the places unknown
Keep your hand locked in mine
I promise I won’t let you go
Don’t be afraid to fall like the rain
Because we fall together
The wind took us by surprise
Holding on tight
We have no choice
We fall
The ground slams into us
Causing our hold to stretch
I’m not flexible
I’m known to split
But we don’t let go
We once fit together like Ying and Yang
We were as strong as the raging sea
But look beyond what you feel
And stare at what you see
We freeze
Stretched out and feeling astray
You begin to evaporate
There’s nothing I can do
I’m frozen
A crack forms
Our hold is broke
You fade away before I can say

Don’t be afraid
We’ll fall together again,

Someday

Heavy thoughts,
Weigh my mind.
Heavy thoughts
Strong and unkind.

My rib cage,
Comes to a close.
Suffocating my lungs,
My breathing slows.

What is this feeling,
That's lurking below.
The surface of my skin,
Seeping poison into my blood flow.

Trying to fight off these emotions,
Trying to fight off the commotion.
Can't keep up with my mind,
Don't even know what I'm trying to find.

stitches.
that won't do the trick,
this pain is far too deep for any stitch to mend.
I look down at my arms,
what have I done?
not again.
they trusted me,
and I let them down.
what am I to do?

they thought I was better -
when I just got better at lying.
I'm not proud of these wounds I've carved into my soul;
it has all just taken a toll.
i couldn't handle it any longer.

I look back down,
why can't I feel anything?
I pick up the blade one more time,
I dig so deep I can see where all my veins intertwine.
relief.
one giant exhale escapes my mouth.

I look out of my window,
& find the little kids next door playing with their dad.
I smile.
but wait...
I look down at my arms,
I stare.
& remember my scars are the only thing that people gaze at no matter what I wear.

but don't worry I'm not 'sick' again,
I just had some stuff I needed to drain.
please, don't send me back to that locked up place.
a mental hospital isn't going to fix this case.

this was the last time, I swear it.
I want nothing more than to quit.
I start to think,
I pick up the blade once more,
and begin to create a masterpiece of pain until I get to the core.
a soul wrenching pain begins to swallow me,
when will I ever be free?

what have I done?
**not again.

love.

love is when i look into your eyes.
when i wake only so i may speak to you.

call it luck or call it fate.
either way, i knew deep down i couldn't wait.

the day you shared some of your sunlight with me on that cold winter night,
i knew,
that you were the one who was going to break through.

love is when i listen to my favorite song - the gentle rhythm of your heartbeat humming against your chest.
you my dear, are the answer to my quest.

I'll be forever grateful,
that something so amazing came my way.
something that I wish will never go away.
make me believe that I'm not dreaming,
tell me it's true that you're the reason
for when my heart start gleaming.

love.

love is when i'm with you,
when you say,
"I love you too."

love - can you tell me what that means?
every human on this planet defines love differently than another.
some think that love is:
-false.
-only exists in fairytales.
-golden & everlasting.
-indescribable.
but regardless of all the many definitions, love is, well love.
once you feel it, you embrace it's every move, feeling, every emotion.
you become love. & once it hits you, you'll know it's real.
you'll be moved my every move that person makes, every single breath they take.
you begin to feel safe, warm & not alone.
you no longer are afraid of anything, you're something completely different. you're: happy.
invincible.
wondrous.
excited.
fearless.
& suddenly, every bad aspect in your life slowly fades away.
love is a powerful thing.
it can make you or it can break you.
it can find you or it can lose you.
it has it's ups & it's downs.
but the empowering feeling never leaves.
love - can you tell me what that means?

what's that i hear? 
silence.
can you not hear it screaming?
it's the silence.
make it stop.
i can't take the silence any longer.
it's pounding against the walls in my head.
the invisible tattoo will forever remain on me.
make it disappear.
it's too quiet.
why is it so loud in my mind?
silence.
all i can hear is the screaming pleas echoing through the walls of the silence.

*silence.

Sitting here blowing smoke rings,
just thinking of you.

Sitting here wondering what you're doing,
wondering if you're okay.

But I shouldn't wonder,
because you're no longer mine, so my mind shouldn't ponder.

Sitting here blowing smoke rings,
makes me wonder if someone else will mend your broken wings.

Can't believe I did what I did,
but who am I to kid?

It was inevitable I was going to hurt you,
it was inevitable I was going to hurt you.

Sitting here blowing smoke rings,
just trying to pass time.

Sitting here blowing smoke rings,
wondering why you're not mine.

You were in my arms once again today,
& I know this may sound cliché -
But I felt alive.
To hear the pattering of your thundering heart,
To see the way your twisted body was intertwined with mine,
For once in a long time,
Everything felt remarkably fine.
I wanted to stop the clock & freeze time,
So I could spare the last few minutes you had left with me,
Only so then maybe you could hear my screaming plea.
*I never want you to be without me.

you found me raw.
with only bones & scars to show - you found me.
no flesh to show i was breathing, no lungs to show i was living.
i was scared,
you were outstretched arms,
reeling me in, until i could no longer resist.
i say to myself, "i need you."
a tear so powerful you could see the shear fear shining through it.
you sit in silence.
weeks later i try something different.
i hold your hand & tell you you're beautiful.
my lungs begin to pump air,
but you sit in silence.
i was lost, confused & in a daze.
i thought what i felt was real for the first time in my life.
a mistake.
a month later i tried something new,
something before i became a pile of dust.
i looked into your eyes & said, 
"i love you."
you kissed me, you held my hand, your breathing picked up & i heard through the whimper of your voice "i love you too."
finally, i see that it's when you're touching me, that i have flesh,
i'm breathing,
i'm alive,
then i look at you & i see that you're just as raw as i am.
clear to the bone.
but your eyes are shining like the milky way galaxy & i'm noticing -
how it's through silence that the most powerful of words are spoken.

Yes
Yes
Yes

Pause

No
No
No

But the way the blade feels in my hand tells me otherwise

"It's okay, everyone has to escape somehow. It's okay" it gently whispers to me

Spinning the gleaming blade
Round and round my fingers,
It twirls

You can't write out the bad ****
You've have to cut it out

Delete it all
That's only what I'd be doing

Yes
Yes
Yes

Pause

No
No
No

I need to try for you
I need to try for me

But the way you call my name entices all my thoughts
All my adrenaline runs to you

The sharp edge is cutting it's way into my mind
Convincing me it'll all be released

Everything was released.

Released.

...relapse.