love.

love is when i look into your eyes.
when i wake only so i may speak to you.

call it luck or call it fate.
either way, i knew deep down i couldn't wait.

the day you shared some of your sunlight with me on that cold winter night,
i knew,
that you were the one who was going to break through.

love is when i listen to my favorite song - the gentle rhythm of your heartbeat humming against your chest.
you my dear, are the answer to my quest.

I'll be forever grateful,
that something so amazing came my way.
something that I wish will never go away.
make me believe that I'm not dreaming,
tell me it's true that you're the reason
for when my heart start gleaming.

love.

love is when i'm with you,
when you say,
"I love you too."

what's that i hear? 
silence.
can you not hear it screaming?
it's the silence.
make it stop.
i can't take the silence any longer.
it's pounding against the walls in my head.
the invisible tattoo will forever remain on me.
make it disappear.
it's too quiet.
why is it so loud in my mind?
silence.
all i can hear is the screaming pleas echoing through the walls of the silence.

*silence.

stitches.
that won't do the trick,
this pain is far too deep for any stitch to mend.
I look down at my arms,
what have I done?
not again.
they trusted me,
and I let them down.
what am I to do?

they thought I was better -
when I just got better at lying.
I'm not proud of these wounds I've carved into my soul;
it has all just taken a toll.
i couldn't handle it any longer.

I look back down,
why can't I feel anything?
I pick up the blade one more time,
I dig so deep I can see where all my veins intertwine.
relief.
one giant exhale escapes my mouth.

I look out of my window,
& find the little kids next door playing with their dad.
I smile.
but wait...
I look down at my arms,
I stare.
& remember my scars are the only thing that people gaze at no matter what I wear.

but don't worry I'm not 'sick' again,
I just had some stuff I needed to drain.
please, don't send me back to that locked up place.
a mental hospital isn't going to fix this case.

this was the last time, I swear it.
I want nothing more than to quit.
I start to think,
I pick up the blade once more,
and begin to create a masterpiece of pain until I get to the core.
a soul wrenching pain begins to swallow me,
when will I ever be free?

what have I done?
**not again.

do you know what it's like?
do you know what it's like look at yourself & see nothing but air?
breathe.
take the gaping wounds that are placed across your skin,
take the wounds that lay hidden deep within.
hold on tight, kid - don't let them win.
don't just put on a grin, put on a smile.
you're not full of air, you're full of life.
charging up for the next big wave to hit.
it won't be easy.
but you're stronger than you think,
so take your time,
& don't be afraid to blink.

you found me raw.
with only bones & scars to show - you found me.
no flesh to show i was breathing, no lungs to show i was living.
i was scared,
you were outstretched arms,
reeling me in, until i could no longer resist.
i say to myself, "i need you."
a tear so powerful you could see the shear fear shining through it.
you sit in silence.
weeks later i try something different.
i hold your hand & tell you you're beautiful.
my lungs begin to pump air,
but you sit in silence.
i was lost, confused & in a daze.
i thought what i felt was real for the first time in my life.
a mistake.
a month later i tried something new,
something before i became a pile of dust.
i looked into your eyes & said, 
"i love you."
you kissed me, you held my hand, your breathing picked up & i heard through the whimper of your voice "i love you too."
finally, i see that it's when you're touching me, that i have flesh,
i'm breathing,
i'm alive,
then i look at you & i see that you're just as raw as i am.
clear to the bone.
but your eyes are shining like the milky way galaxy & i'm noticing -
how it's through silence that the most powerful of words are spoken.