I’m sitting here and the last thing I want to do is write. Oh, that’s not entirely true. I have wanted to write…but I haven’t been able to do it. I have been aching to talk but unable to find the words. I have been silent. I know that. It was on purpose. My mind has been unable to take the myriad of fragmented thoughts and memories and put them down on paper in a way they will be able to be read and understood. My thoughts don’t form fluid complete sentences right now. They have no eloquence or beauty…perhaps they also lack the passion that was once at my fingertips – words begging to be written, screaming to be spoken out loud, even if only a whisper.

I am sitting here with my heart in my throat and I need to be here. I want to be here. I crave being a part of this community but at the same time I fear the judgment. I have felt so deeply absorbed in my own pain and yet wanting so desperately to express my thoughts and feelings here. Voices inside of me begging to be heard, to connect with someone who might possibly understand how it is I feel. I have poured my energy and channeled my anger into writing. The hurt, the sadness, the rage, the hurt, the shame, and my Lord, the unbearable pain…all made me write…and write…and write. I pour my heart, my soul, my very self out here and the sense of belonging and community here make me better. Even if only for a minute…

Sometimes it is just too heavy and I am having a hard time coping. With the crazyiness…with life. I move from wanting to change to giving up on myself constantly. I am not yet ready to explain what giving up feels like, but I give up. And I want you to give up on me too. I want you to be angry at me for giving up.

And yet I want you to care and I want your help. There is so very much to fix inside of my crazy-brain.

you
you think this a lot
with emphasis
a one word blame
disappointment, you suppose

but you don't think it at other people
oh,
oh, they're fine.
its you
because what the *****
is wrong with you

you still haven't figured that bit out yet

bit by bit
you lose yourself
things you were
things you did
they're gone now
maybe you remember them
maybe you don't
(you think you don't)
you think there used to be so much more
but now
now it's just you
waiting in the parking lot
pavement cracked and covered in chewing gum
the lights flickering
like fires among the rows of houses
flickering like candles put out in a rush during a black-out
and you're staring at these lights
waiting
watching them flicker
flicker
flicker
until its the
last
light
out

Born and raised under smoke towers
I grew up on soil that wealth powers
Greed sours - round here are found no flowers
If it rains, I advise you to avoid the showers
And actually - just don’t use the water at all
It seems one of the plants has had a close call
A strange kind of leak through their impervious wall
Select folks knew weeks ago but couldn’t forestall
After all, toxins in the river shouldn’t have anyone concerned
This water has been poison since the century turned
In a place of industry – poor men should have learned
Slaving along the Kanawha doesn’t entitle you what’s earned
When you take a deep breath, don’t savor it slow
On the job breathing easy is all about what you know
Which mountain you reside atop and your complete bio
Cause here nobody knows nothing unless they're some CEO