Beginning

The diaper rash
Scratching the eczema until it bled
Ruby Red Sea trickling from my nostrils
Mom and I on a mission for the bottom of the stairs
Baby's first autographed cast!
Upside down on the couch,
Laughing


Preteen

Awareness of death
Love letter with a thirst for embarrassment
Ruby Red Sea trickling from my forearm,
My thighs
Playing ***** in the park; wanting to forfeit
Makeshift waterslide,
Bruised


Teen

First attempt to meet God
Ambulance
Throwing beer cans at cars from the hilltop
Lucy, Mary, and Molly
Discovering self confidence
First love,
Six losses
What does it take to be a friend?


Young Adult

The difference between effort and ability
Self acceptance
Getting familiar with 4am
Summertime snow
Money hungry,
No, starving

When I say don't call me again, it means call. When I say don't call me again, it means my head hurts from staring for so long at my phone waiting for it to ring. That my back pocket has the vibrations memorized so well that my heart keeps making me believe it's ringing. When my friend feels in competition with an iPhone I have to reassure her that I'm not ignoring her on purpose, it's just that your voice gives me oxygen and your laughter gives me the motivation to breathe. And I know leaving your location on for me to obsessively check was no accident, you just wanted me to know you got home safe. You just wanted to say "hey, I'm alive,  and I'm so sorry for what happened an hour ago, but I'm alive." Because you don't know that when I say don't call me again, it really means that even though you're not really sorry, I forgive you. And even though you left, your side of the bed is open for you in case you turned the car around. And even though we're both angry, I'd kiss your forehead, like if when I do you will remember the first night you told me I was special. The night you told me that nothing about the way we breathe with each other is casual. And even though you're going to sleep a state away, I know I'd be able to feel your heartbeat through the phone line. As if distance ever stood a chance. So when I say don't call me again, it means a lot of things. It means I'm angry and I'm hurt but I want to see if I'm your sun. I want to see if your world wouldn't be as warm without my smile. I want to see if I'm your cherry on top, if I'm the sugar in your tea, your cigarette break after a long work day, the bonus in your paycheck. I wanted to see if I was worth wasting gas for, the minutes on your clock for, if I was worth the stubbed toes. And yeah, I know, why stub your toes when you could just wear socks and sneakers but let me tell you if you asked me for water I'd bring you the whole **** sea. So when I say don't call me again, what it really means is I hope you answer when it rings.

If you don't love me explain why your heart beats the same rhythm of my favorite song

If you don't love me explain why it takes so much of your effort to ***** the door hinges of your heart back on when I come around

If you don't love me explain the heat of your gaze I feel on me every time I look away

If you don't love me explain my phone lighting up in the middle of the night to inform me that you're six shots deep in your own regret

If you don't love me explain the raindrops dripping from your eyes when you speak about missing me and the ocean forming in my palms

If you don't love me explain the emptiness I know you feel inside when you see me smile and know it's not of your doing.

If there is nothing to write about I'll write about the scars across your face.
The way someone wrapped you like a birthday present and tied the ribbon so tight it left creases.
I'll wonder about the look on her face when she opened you up on her special day and decided you were not the gift she wanted.
The brass knuckle bruises that decided they wanted to stay forever under your eye, poisoning your reflexes whenever someone touched you there.
The washing machine and the corner table too.
The way she left you,
Or didn't.
If there is nothing to talk about I'll talk about the snow covered Subaru
The stigma of doughnuts- and the coffee much too hot.
I'll learn the patterns of your hands, the way they move when the windows let off steam, and the pace the wheel turns.
Nothing about the way we breathe is casual.

"Why don't you call?"
The only thing I fear is the dial tone of rejection so I never pick up the phone
And fifty feet below the Benjamin franklin bridge when the rocks give way and I survive
I know I must matter to somebody I just wish wanted it to be you