torture-, my dear,
is what I live inside of
everyday.
To know
what it is I feel...
and to also know that I
can do nothing
about it,
nothing to stop it,
nothing to burn it out.
It consumes.
"They" say passion consumes
the Soul like flame to a candle's
wax.
How many souls do I own?
It has been ages
and ages
that I have loved you,
small aeons that look like
magic fireworks when viewed from
afar-
stars bursting or imploding
all manner of greens and reds
blues and yellows-
my God!
I will give you colors.
The waiting is the worst.
Counted time.
Counted exercises and tasks.
It is not a countdown.
"It is not a countdown."
No.
But it is waiting.
Not for him.
No.
For me.
For the things I still need to learn
before him.
For the changes that loom on the horizon.
For the moment
no,
THAT moment
maybe I'll be driving a car,
maybe I'll be lying in my bed, drifting off to sleep,
maybe I'll be mid-sentence in a conversation with a friend,
I don't know.
But I know the moment.
I know how it feels.
It is Archimedes and his fat legs,
overflowing the bathtub,
flooding the bathroom carpets,
Eureka
EUREKA
I have found it!
I remember my last and only
"Eureka!"
and the thing that I had found
was my own, stuttering heart,
beating hard and fast
for you.
Torture is knowing
your happiness
is always
just
out
of
reach