He's interested in dreams,
the ones where everything is
so vivid and easily explained.

I'm obsessed with dream catchers
because they're beautiful and have
some sort of meaning whether or not
you believe in "evil spirits" or "nightmares"
or "heartbreak" or "reality."
You know, made up things like that.

He writes them down in a little book
and they have funny names and interesting
plot lines and there are some of them I am not
allowed to read and I don't know if that's because
he's hiding them from me or if they are just too personal.

I really should not be wondering if I was ever
in one of his more recent lucid dreams,
if he'd kissed my lips behind his eyes,
if he'd held me tight while he consulted with the Sandman,
if I was his when all the lights were out.

I really should not be wondering if I was ever
in one of his favorite lucid dreams.
*But it would be nice to know.

Today you came back.
Just like old times,
you said with a smile.

Seeing you across the table
the way you used to be,
I was forced to remember
that at that table, you and I
used to share glances and hugs
and smiles and stolen moments.

I was forced to remember the way
it rained on that very first day back at the
start of January and we were forced
to stand because the tables were all wet.

I was forced to remember how you'd
held me in your arms and wouldn't let go
and I was forced to remember how I really
didn't want you to at all.

I was forced to remember how we were
everybody's ever after, everybody's meant to be
and nobody's disappointment except our own.

And then I was forced to acknowledge the words
that have been hanging on the tip of my tongue.
All this time I've thought of saying them, but then you
would know the truth and I couldn't let that happen.

All this time I've wanted to say,
I miss him being here, with us
laughing and joking, sharing his smile
and his music and his dreams.
I miss him being here, making things
interesting, amusing us all and me
especially.

And I contemplated telling someone
but I feared you would find out.

I'm glad you came back for today.
I hope you don't leave again too soon.
And for making me admit this,
I guess this round goes to you.



You know you guys love me,
you said smiling.
Sometimes, I said sarcastically.
Sometimes, you repeated with a smile.

I grow tired and place my head
down in his lap, looking up at him.
I worry how he will receive this action
but there is nothing to worry about because
he smiles at me as if this were our normal routine.

And to my surprise, he leans down over me
and he kisses my forehead sweetly,
just the way he used to when he was almost mine.
And even more surprising, he leans down again
and kisses my forehead again
and then again
and then once more.

All around there are murmurs of confusion
as no one has seen us this way in a while
but we pay them no mind because we
are stuck in this moment in time.

--
He grows tired and places his head
down upon my lap, looking up at me.
He does not worry how I will receive this action
because everything is too perfect for words right now
and this used to be our normal routine.

And not much to his surprise, I run my fingers
through his hair, tracing over paths I memorized
so very, very long ago.

And I feel myself compelled to lean down and
kiss his lips, but I don't because something is
different, strange, wrong about this situation.

I cannot decide what it is and I do not care
because I have him here and everything is beautiful.

And just before I lean down to press my lips to his,
He is gone and I?
I have opened my eyes.

And I think to myself with a smile,
*what a wonderful dream.

Did you think you could
escape me that easily?

You have given me a way
to easily control you,
to make your heart beat faster,
to make you melt at my side.

All I need do is run my fingers
through your hair and you are
mine for just another moment.

Not that I want you, but it's
nice to know I could have
you again, if only for a moment,
if I really
wanted to.

I.
My best friend just texted asking
if Anne Frank was a real person or
just a character in a story.

I cannot help but laugh because
I know she is smarter than I am
and it's quite laughable that she would
ask such a question as if it were nothing.

Maybe she's having a blonde moment,
although her hair hasn't been blonde since
it started growing back a few years ago.

Chemo's a *****, yet all she does is smile.

II.
The boy who was almost mine looks at me
with kind eyes and a sweet smile and we laugh
like there was never any kind of awkward situation
between the two of us months ago.

He's probably got her on his mind and I've got
myself on mine for the first time in a while and everything
seems beautiful the way it used to be before it all.

And he covers my eyes with his hands and we laugh
and I am much too happy to miss the way things used to be
because I am much too content with how things are.

Moving on's a *****, and yet all we do is smile.

III.
The boy who wanted so badly to be mine walks
down the hallway holding hands with someone else
and they laugh and talk and smile, so happy to be together.

And I am happy for him, because I have no time or energy
to be jealous of something that was never mine to begin with.

He does not speak to me
and I do not care because I realize
that everything is beautiful today
and so am I, for once.

Because life's only a ***** if you are.

I cannot deny that
every time your arms
wrap around my body,
I am reminded of everything
that I dreamed we were.

And then I begin to think
about how my dreams probably
ruined it all, how God probably heard
me having conversations with myself about
you and thought, well, look at her trying to
plan her own life! who does she think she is?
let's change things up a little, shall we?

And then He took you away from me
as quickly as you'd come.

I can't blame Him, though,
or you either, for that matter.
I just would have bored you or
broken your heart or
showed you who I really am and
disillusioned you.

And I'm pretty sure He has someone
better in mind for the both of us, anyway.
Someone I can look at and say, she's just
right for him. I'm so happy for him.
And someone you can look at and say,
if you break her heart, I'll break your neck
because she's my friend despite our history and
I care for her, genuinely and with all my heart.

And none of these thoughts are really
worth thinking and none of these words
were really worth writing.

Except, I guess to say, that I wish you
would wrap your arms around me the way
you used to more often so that just for a second
I can feel like someone really needs me.

Admit it, darling:
not too long ago, I had
you weak at the knees.
I had you falling for my every move
I had you dreaming of my smile.

Admit it, darling:
do you sometimes think of me,
even when you're thinking of her
and how she doesn't want you
like I did so long ago? do you?

Admit it, darling:
you used to want me
as much as I wanted you.

Go ahead, admit it, because
only you and I will know.

I promise not to tell anyone
how I'm playing your game just
as well
as you are.