There’s a girl I met that inspires me more than anyone I’ll ever know.
With her, to the ends of the world and back I would go.
She is so very smart,
And I can tell that she has a huge heart.
When I’m around her, I don’t have to wear a “mask”,
And I honestly answer any questions she has to ask.
I want so bad to tell her how I truly feel,
And allow her, my heart to steal.
But I am scared,
Because the last time I dared,
To tell a girl that I cared so much,
I walked away in desperate need of an emotional crutch.
But I know that she won’t do that to me,
Because she is more kind than anyone else could ever be.
And on top of that, I have a belief,
That she feels the same about me, and if that’s true, it would be a great relief
For the both of us if we just expressed,
How we truly feel instead of keeping it hidden and feeling so distressed.

Are you willing to cause someone pain beyond measure,
Just for a few measly seconds of pleasure?
Would you break someone’s heart,
Because you think you’re so smart?
Would you put someone in their grave,
Because you thought you were brave?
Do you care if someone dies,
For you have told so many lies?
Are you willing to burn in Hell,
Because they say it’s better than your cold cell?

The only thing I really ask for anymore is for someone to love me, is that too much to ask?
All I want is for someone to care about me for who I really am,
Someone that is kind, caring, attractive, understanding, and loyal.
I want to be able to give my love to someone so completely that my feelings for them are solid.
It seems that no matter how hard I try, how badly I want that, I still have to wait for longer than anyone should ever have to.  
I’ve been in this world for 18 years, but never has anyone ever loved me for the man that I am.
My heart feels such emotions that I don’t believe any other man has ever felt,
It longs achingly to share itself with someone.
I know that my future wife is out there somewhere,
And I can’t wait until I’m with her,
But that’s just the thing:  I can’t wait.
The emotions are starting to become unbearably painful
Every time another person that I care about leaves,
It becomes a little easier to justify why I should crawl back into my shell.
The funny thing is, everyone I ever care about ends up either leaving me or hurting me severely.
Some examples: My mom, dad, aunt, sister, Ruth, Paul, Scott, Jesse, Steven, Jordan, Chris, James, Rob, Kristen, Kim, Sam, Julie, Brandon, Chima, John, Tonya, Tessa, Mike, Cassie, Trevor, and so many more that I cannot name them all.
My first girlfriend, my only girlfriend, the only girl I ever truly loved, cheated on me and sacrificed me for the man she cheated on me with, casting me aside like I was nothing – the exact same way my mom did, twice.
It just goes to show that dreams never come true, no matter how hard you try, because I’ve been trying for 18 years for someone to love me for who I am, yet all people do is hate and scorn me.
Even if I’m doing better than I ever have before, all those who say they care about me focus on only the negatives, the things that I’m doing wrong because I don’t know how to do them and no one cares enough to hear any of my cries for help.
What is my purpose on this disgusting planet?
Why am I here?
Would it really make a difference if I never came to be?
I think the world would be a better place if I had never been, a lot of innocent people could have been spared a life full of pain and anguish similar to mine.
My entire existence is pain, and suffering;
Torment and anguish.
If I have a purpose in this world, there is no way it is to help anyone
Because no one cares enough to listen to me when I ask to help.
All of my words, all of my emotions, everything that has to do with me,
Is completely obsolete in the eyes of everyone else in this world.
The only purpose I could have, is to destroy the lives of as many people as possible while I am in this world.
I guess that means that I’m destined to go to hell.
Well the hell with destiny, I’m not going to follow that which I am destined to do,
At least not if it is to hurt as many people as I can.
I’m going to change my destiny and everything about it,
And I’m going to be heard no matter what!

Baby
Baby, even though it’s hard for me, your words I trust,
I’m not sure exactly how to express my love for you, but I know I must.
Baby, never before have I felt this way about someone,
And with no one have I had such fun.
Baby, when I look into your eyes, I know I’ll see my future, not my past,
As long as I’m with you, the only thing I could wish for is that time not go so fast.
Baby, I’ll always want you in my life,
And, eventually, if you agree, I’d love for you to be my wife.
Baby, I promise that I will never push you away,
And my love for you will stay strong forever and a day.
Baby, you won’t have to worry about me cheating because they mean nothing to me,
I’ll never be able to love anyone more than I love you, can’t you see?
Baby, I’m trying to tell you that I love you so much,
You can make my heart stutter with the slightest touch.
Baby, I want to wake up with you beside me every day,
I love you so much that there aren’t words to explain what I’m trying to say.
Baby, I won’t let anyone say anything bad about you,
With me by my side, they’ll know what they say isn’t true.
Baby, you can talk to me about anything, you don’t have to be afraid of me,
Because, baby, is it not obvious that the love between us was meant to be?
Baby, lets look to the future and not the past,
But we shouldn’t move too quickly, lets make it last.
Baby, I’ll be there for you when you need to cry,
And if you just want to be left alone, then I won’t pry.
Baby, to you, I promise that I’ll never lie,
Just knowing you makes me feel light enough that I could fly.
Baby, I swear I will love you in every single way,
And, no matter what, I’ll continue to love you passionately day after day.

I don’t know what it is, but I want to be where you are,
And knowing that I can’t is just SO hard.
Okay, so I do know what it is,
But I don’t know how you’d react if I explained this.
I want to tell you, but I’m so scared,
But for you, I’ll open up my mind and let all of its contents be bared.
But only for you,
And I can only hope that you know that it’s all true.
I’m pretty sure that it all that hard to see,
That everything about you fascinates me.
You think you are crazy, but I disagree,
I think it’s just that you are so extraordinary.
Your beauty is so great that it can never be met,
I’m so sure of it, on it, my life I’d be willing to bet.
Just to let you know, I haven’t the greatest past,
I was made to grow up way too fast.
Because of that, there was a great many things I did not learn,
I was instead taught ways to hurt and burn,
The hearts of those in more pain than I,
Until they were so miserable that they just wanted to die.
But that isn’t me anymore.
No longer do I talk others down to the floor.
Instead, I love to make people laugh by acting like a fool,
And it’s all thanks to you, which I think is exceptionally cool.




Dustin Kohman

I want to be with you son much,
And your heart I want to touch.
People looking at me crazy, asking, “Are you sure?”
I’m positive, the only one I want is her.
You say that you’re crazy, but I don’t care,
I just wish I could run my fingers through your hair.
I absolutely love making you laugh,
And if we were together, you’d definitely be my better half.
Believe it or not, you’re as beautiful as can be,
And I’ve got a feeling you also like me.
You’re the only one I want to hold,
Just thinking about it makes me shiver, and not ‘cuz I’m cold.
You’re just so sweet and so kind,
I wish I knew what was going on in your mind.
I wonder if you wish you knew what was on mine,
If so, with mw that would be fine.
All she’d have to do is ask and I’d tell her,
Then, I’d tell her everything, of that I’m sure.
Being with you is absolute, pure bliss,
There isn’t anything that would be better than this.

There is something I want to tell
You about Hell.
You burn for longer than life,
Then Satan takes a dull knife,
And digs it slowly into each eye.
Within seconds, you wish you could just die.
Then you realize that you’re already dead,
So you wish you were back home in your bed.
You could have prevented this, you know,
By going to a place Satan is afraid to go.
Go into the Lords’ presence,
And you will someday find the essence,
Of what man truly is,
And what is truly His.
Maybe then you will see,
The truth that will always be,
And has always been,
Since only the Lord knows when.
Perhaps then you will learn,
Why it is so much better not to burn.

Look, I know that you are already going out with someone,
And I want you to know that I respect that,
And I hope that it’s your heart he has won.
I also want you to know that I won’t try to break you up, I’m not like that.
I want you to be with whomever you want to,
If you’re happy, then so am I.
Just as long as you’re able to do what you want to do.
But I must admit that I envy this guy,
‘Cuz he gets to spend all this time with you.
I may not know who he is,
But if you trust him, then I do, too.
The thing is,
You’re always on my mind,
Which can’t be very good,
Unless someone else, I can find,
But I’m sure that I’ll never be able to find someone like you, or even half as good.
What I’m trying to say,
Is that I understand that I can’t be with you.
I know I can’t always have my way,
But I can at least always be there for you…

I swear, it feels like I’m being cheated,
My past is once again being repeated.
It feels like everyone is set on ruining my life,
****, they are so lucky I don’t have a knife.
All I have to say now is that it had better stop,
Because my wall of self control is about to pop.
I’ve been so ******* patient,
That by the time I get what I’m waiting for, I’ll be ancient.
I’m seriously thinking about running from this ******* place,
And against the police, I’ll have to race.
But there is someone holding me back, but just one person,
And if I run, I’ll probably never see her again.
I swear, I thank God for her,
Because without her, where I’d be, I’m not sure.

I’ve made quite a few poor choices,
But none of those choices were influenced by outside voices.
The choices I made were all my own,
Those choices were wrong, I should’ve known.
I’m glad I now decided to change,
Because otherwise things would be really strange.

The one good thing about pain,

Is that from it, there is a lot you can gain.

When I cut and see those Crimson Tears,

They take away all of my fears.

When I decide to turn on the water,

And make it hotter and hotter,

The pain consumes me

Because it’s all I can see.

I don’t think about the guilt,

Or the problems I have built.

I don’t think about death

Or my loved ones last breath.

There’s no need to think about abuse,

When I see that bright red juice.

For when I see those Crimson Tears,

I no longer care about others leers.

By cutting, it won’t take long,

Before the pain inside me is finally gone.

So many people are afraid of death.
They hope they’ll never take their last breath.
Me, I can’t wait until I die,
So that I can see the God Most High.
That doesn’t mean I want to die,
It just means that I’m not shy,
Of taking my last breath,
Nor am I continuously thinking of my death.
But I know through His Word
That when I die, it won’t be with a sword.
Because, thanks to a little bird,
I know that I will be with my Lord.

Inside of me, there’s a burning desire.
When it consumes me,
It can be more destructive than a wild fire.
But I don’t want others to see,
This truth that is inside of me.
Because I know that they will laugh,
Or use their words to try to cut me in half.
So I just keep this desire to myself,
And they keep their comments to their self.
I’m not worried about anyone finding out,
And giving their friends a shout.
But it’s easier for me to act like a fool,
Than to be worried about being shoved in a pool.
Sometimes, I want to trust someone,
And with me, they have sick fun.
They tease and taunt me,
Because all I want to be,
Is a caring, loving husband and father,
But with all of the harassment, I think,  ‘Why Bother?’

It drives my crazy,
And makes my sight go all hazy,
Whenever you smile at me,
‘Cuz it’s the most beautiful thing I ever could see.
It just isn’t possible,
I’ve been hurt too many times, I need to be reasonable.
But sometimes I catch myself thinking at night,
Thinking that if we were together, things would be alright.
And I’m scared ‘cuz I don’t want you to leave,
‘Cuz you’ve changed my life in ways you wouldn’t believe.
I mean, just think what could happen if you’d stay,
I know that it’d mean a lot if you didn’t go away.
But it’s up to you and if you choose to go,
Please remember that forever will I miss you.
If you do go, please stay in touch,
‘Cuz to me that would mean so much.
And I know that wherever you go, you will do well,
Just knowing what I do about you, I can tell.

I don’t have the same dreams normal people do,
I’m not lying, either, what I’m about to say is true.
My dreams only feature one that I love and truly care about,
And that doesn’t mean we’re having ***, we’re just hanging out.
While those dreams are all happy and fun,
The nightmares I have are about losing that one.
My passion and best ability is my ability to love unconditionally,
Some people think that that is impossible, but they’re just silly.
If it’s impossible, then how can I do it?
Those people are just full of ****.
If they don’t like what I’m saying, they can just deal,
There’s no way in hell they can even imagine how I feel.
So that’s why I say love is my passion,
And I don’t care if people think it’s out of fashion.
Just because people think *** is the most important thing in the world,
And guys don’t think it’s important to be loyal to one girl,
Doesn’t mean that I have to think the same way,
Going along with the crowd is *******, that’s what I say.

I walk around and see,
Things that I know should not be.
I just don’t see the point,
Of smoking a joint.
I’ve been told it eases the pain,
And helps users to gain,
A sense of peace
That no one would wish to release.
Because they go into their “zone”,
And no longer feel so alone.
But if they don’t die,
They just come back down from their high.
And everything is pretty much the same,
Because they tried to run from the pain.
I can’t say I know how they feel,
But I do want to help them heal.
I’ve been through some hard times,
And if someone decides to look and finds
The truth about me
Then they will see
Why it’s drugs I hate
And I can’t wait,
Until someone sees the light,
So then I maybe I might
Be able to
Understand why you do
Just what you do.

I could think of a million and one ways to compliment you,

And every single one of them would be true.

I’ll start with your beautiful eyes,

For they are comparable to sunrise.

You have absolutely beautiful hair,

So beautiful, in fact, that the other girls don’t think it’s fair.

And your smile is so beautiful, I forget to take a breath,

Really, if it weren’t for you, I’d probably be lost in death.

I know that you say that you do not deserve me

As a friend, but really I am the one who is not worthy.

You say that you are shallow, but I disagree,

For you continue to be an incredible friend to me.

You say you are mean, well I am, too.

Some of the things I have done were exponentially cruel.

No matter what you do to me or what you say,

I will continue to love you everyday.

And I know you say that the world doesn’t care,

I guess I agree, that sounds fair.

But our Lord, Jesus Christ, does,

And that is more encouraging than anything else ever was.

Why is it the more you need to succeed,
The more likely you are to fail?
It’s harder than trying to proceed,
Forward into the skull of a whale.
The more you fail, the more you want to quit,
Because you think it’s all a bunch of ****.
The more you want to win,
The more likely you are to break a shin.
I want to die
With a smile on my face
As I see my Lord and say, “Hi.”
And take in His amazing grace.
But it seems the more I wish,
The more I end up with an empty dish.

Look, I understand that you don’t want to go out with me,
And that, with me, you just don’t want to be.
All I really wanted was to steal your heart away,
And know that it belonged to me day after day.
But that isn’t the case and I’m now expected to just be fine,
Even knowing that your heart will never be mine.
That’s not all, I’d also give you my heart,
And do everything I could to make sure that we were never torn apart.
Yeah, I know that I’m a little crazy,
But at least I’m not like your boyfriend who is just plain lazy,
And enjoys hitting and controlling you,
Not to mention you have some suspicions of whether or not to you he is true.
I swear on everything I love, you deserve so much more,
Because you’re such an incredible person, right down to your very core.
You deserve someone who will treat you right,
So that, in the dark world that you live in, you have that light.
I want you to be the be ‘cuz a girl like you is impossible to find,
Or so I believed until I met you and you changed my mind.

It’s not right,
It’s not fair!
I want to be with her,
Why can’t life be just a little bit easier!?
Almost 18-years-old,
And still never been kissed!
I’m angry,
I’m sad,
I’m lonely,
I want,
I need,
But I cannot have.
I want to cry,
But the tears just won’t come!
I hate this,
I hate it!
Why can’t it be my turn,
To have something good happen in my life!?
Yeah, meeting her was the best thing,
That has and ever will happen to me,
The thing is,
I want to be able to,
Envelope her in my love,
And show her that,
I’ll give up everything,
I have for her.
Lord, help me!
My heart
Cries out for consolement!
I’m going mad,
I’m losing what little I had!
I want to hold her in my arms,
And give her my heart.
But she has someone,
And I cannot destroy that,
Because that might hurt her,
And doing so would be unforgivable.
I still can’t help how I feel,
And just
Seeing her,
Hearing her,
Knowing her,
Makes me happy.
I still need help,
‘Cuz I’m hurting,
And she’s
The Only
One that
I want
To help me.
Never before
Have I met someone
Who has the same
Effect
She has
On me.
I tremble
Every time she
Touches me.
My heart stutters,
Every time I
Hear her laugh.
I can’t breathe,
Whenever i
Hear her voice.
I can’t think straight,
Whenever she
Smiles at me.
My heart trys,
To jump,
Out of my chest,
Every time I
See her.
I’m sprung,
I’m stuck,
I’m lost,
I’m confused,
I’m changed,
‘Cuz of her.
I feel like
I’m finally alive
‘Cuz of her.
Lord, you know me
Too well.
You used my
One weakness
Against me,
Woke me up,
And showed me,
The pain,
Of the real world.
If it were
Anything else,
I would not be bothered,
But she
Already has
Someone else
So I cannot
Be with her.
Am I being foolish?
Am I not being human enough?
Should I just dive in,
And take her from him?
What a stupid
Question!
The only answer
Is absolutely not.
‘Cuz I would not want
The same done to
Me.
Almost 18 years
Of suffering until
I finally meet
Her and
I finally wake up
To the joy of
Loving someone unconditionally.
Then, all of the
Pain inside
Amplified by the
Fact that it
Cannot be.
The question now
Is:
Do I retreat
Back into my shell,
Or try to
Find another?
It must be
Back to
The shell
‘Cuz there
Isn’t even
The slightest
Chance to
Find someone
That I could ever
Love like I do
Her.
It ***** so
Much ‘cuz
I’ll never know
What could’ve been
Between us.
I hate it,
I hate it,
I HATE IT!
No matter
How much
I write,
The only thing that
Will change
Is the paper
I’m writing on.
She’ll move on
In her life,
I’ll move back
To where
I was so long ago:
Cutting, lying, stealing,
Cheating, hurting, manipulating,
Twisting, hating, no longer being,
The person I tried
So hard to become
To make my life better.
Five years of
Constant, hard work,
18 years of constant,
Unending pain,
All to teach
Me a lesson
That I was taught
By my mother
All those years ago:
I’m not worth it,
I never was.
I don’t matter,
I never did.
No one cares about me,
They never did.
No one can care about me,
They never could.
It’s not worth it,
It never was.
I’ll never make it,
I never had a chance.
I’m not helping,
I’m only making it worse.
I can’t succeed,
I can only fail.
No one could ever love me,
There isn’t anyone who can.
I could never love anyone,
No one would ever accept me.
My life isn’t going anywhere,
It never was.
I was an accident,
I was never meant to be.
In other words: give up…

I pray that this isn’t good-bye forever,
If so, I want you to know that I truly cherished our time together.
I’m grateful for everything that me you taught,
And I’m glad that you and I never fought.
For you in life I pray the very best,
Because I loved you more than all the rest.
You accepted me more than any other,
Even more than my own mother.
Thank you so much for the time you gave me,
And I pray that someday again together we will be.
No matter what happens you will always be a part of my life,
And there isn’t anyone I’d prefer over you to be my wife.
I’ll remember you until the day I die,
And once in awhile, I’ll give in to my emotions and cry.
I want to be honest with you, to you I’ll do everything not to lie
I love you so much, it hurts unbearably to say good-bye.
I wish so much things could’ve turned out differently,
Because together you and I could still be.
The final thing I want to say,
Is that I’ll still think of you everyday.
No matter what happens, I will always love you,
My heart shall not sway, to you it will always be true.

No one knows what I’m thinking about when I think about Her.
And no one knows how close Her and I were.
We went together better than lemon and lime,
But now I have a major problem because I think about Her all the time.
I try and try but I can’t get Her off my mind.
If I try to talk about it, I already know what it is I’ll find.
I will be told I’m stalking,
When all I’m doing is talking.
How could I even think of hurting Her, the one I truly love?
It’s as impossible as God mercilessly killing a newborn dove!
All I really want to do is apologize,
Everyone else just wants to dramatize!
I know it seems like I’m overdoing it,
But if you understood even half of it, you would ease up quite a bit.
I know that me future behavior is judged by my past,
But everyone is jumping to conclusions way too fast!
I will say it again; NEVER again will I hurt Her!
If you were me you would understand; Oh, if only you were!
For if you were me, you would finally see,
The honesty that is inside of me.
Love for Her is number one on my list,
I would keep going, but I think you get the gist.

It hurts sometimes when I think about you,
Because, right now, I can’t be there with you.
And it hurts because I know when you ride the bus, at you people swear,
If I were able to, I do everything I could to keep them out of your hair.
You are such an incredible friend,
That I hope our relationship will never end.
I want to be you forever,
I would love for us to grow old together.
And if I’m going too fast, please let me know!
I want to go at the speed at which you want to go.
I want to tell you, you’re the one I care about,
A, please don’t shut me out!
If you don’t like me that much, that’s okay,
I will still pray for you everyday.
Anyone who knows me can quickly find,
That when I am looking for character and faith, I am far from blind.
Now that I think about it, you found me,
And that was the greatest blessing from the Lord there ever could be.

I am Dustin Glen Kohman.
I am a good friend.
I wonder about a lot of things.
I hear voices.
I see people.
I want acceptance.
I am Dustin Glen Kohman.

I pretend not to care.
I feel sad when I am alone.
I touch the hearts of others.
I worry about everything.
I cry when someone breaks my heart.
I am Dustin Glen Kohman.

I understand myself and others more easily than most.
I say what I want, when I want.
I dream very seldom.
I try too hard, sometimes.
I hope for things to come.
I am Dustin Glen Kohman.

I miss the freedom to do what I want,
Even though I have never truly tasted it.
I miss the taste and feel of your lips on mine,
And the warmth of your breath in my mouth.
I miss the feel of your body against mine,
When we hold each other.
I miss the look you give me that tells me how much you love me,
And the heart-stopping smile you give me.
I miss the feel of your hand in mine,
When we walk side-by-side.
I miss your voice and the sound of your laugh,
Whenever I am trying to be funny.
I miss just being with you, knowing that you’re there.
I miss all of these things, and more
Even though I get them almost everyday.
If I had just one wish,
It would be for us to be together,
Whenever we wanted to be,
Without having to worry
About people trying to
Ruin what we have between us.

I can see you standing there beautiful,
Even if you don't believe anyone ever sees you.
I can see those big beautiful eyes,
And the way you give the most important things your hardest tries.
I can see how quiet you get when you are sad,
And I know the best way to calm you when you are mad.
I can see how much you continue to get hurt,
And know how often you get burnt.
I can see the pain you try to hide in your heart,
And how much effort you put into not falling apart.
I can see how much you care with such devotion,
And how you wish you had someone with which to share that emotion.
I can see how much you have grown since we were little,
And how you have become so emotionally brittle.
I can see how much you long to be respected,
And how you're angry the world was not what you expected.
I can see so many things of you there are too see,
The only problem is, you do not see me... </3

You really don’t know me unless you can see,
The raging jealousy that is inside of me.
Some people love and many more lust,
But I really am looking for someone to trust.
I want to be with a girl and never fight,
Yeah, I want for us to be really tight.
I see a lot of guys getting with girls for a one-night-stand,
And then there are the girls “meant” just for the band.
I may be smart,
But that doesn’t mean I know where to start.
I’m a genius when it comes to school,
But when it comes to girls, I’m a fool.
I may not have a ton of money,
But get to know me and I’m quite funny.
When I see a couple kissing,
I have no idea what I’m missing.
I feel as if there is a hole in my heart,
Because I am so far apart,
From my one, true lover.
I’ve never had a significant other.
It really is a deep, deep pain,
And because of it, I also feel a great shame.

Im here for family my Juggalos don't care bout the rest,
All you whiney *** haters to me are just a test.
I'm down with the clown and I will be until I die,
Whether it be heaven or Hell in which I fry.
I'm representin clown love for all my life,
And I hope so will my future wife.
We got Blaze, ICP, Twiztid, and Boondox,
**** what the haters say this music rocks!
We all got love for one another we family,
Sit back and watch and song you'll see,
We paint our faces but it's not just for show,
We show our heart which route our minds will go.
We don't care what you think or say,
Every one of us deals with haters everyday.
We will live strong and die strong,
And no matter what you say we'll always be strong.
When we die we get our own island where we go,
And if you ain't down Thats a place you'll never know.
We Juggalo homies man we're the best,
And no matter what you try we'll pass your foolish tests.


- Dustin Kohman 1/17/2011 1:32 pm

There is this girl i know,
Who is oh so capable of making my heart grow.
I can tell she has been through a ton of pain,
And i wish to help her use that pain for her own gain.
She is cute, Smart, ****, and funny,
And i wish to be with her even tho she has no money.
She is down with the clown and Thats a must,
This is one girl for the rest of my life my heart i would entrust.
If only i could now have her to hold,
I know for a fact my heart would never be cold.
She alone can reshape my heart to thus which it once was,
I shall give no reason except because.
This girl is nothing but perfect in my eyes,
And oddly enough she never even tries.
I would love and hold her until my death,
And were it in my power to give she would have my final breath.
I would give her my love, my heart, and my soul,
Anyone else would have to pay a toll.
This girl stole my heart like a thief in the night,
Only this thief is still in sight.
However, instead of taking my heart back from this girl,
I would much rather make her my whole world...

From the day I was born, my life has ******.
For the longest time, I had no hope, I knew I was ******.
Then, I met someone and a shred of hope was found.
Together my fate with her was bound.
But I was too afraid of change, so I pushed her away,
But, like a good friend, she cared about me no matter what I’d say.
Then, I caused her more pain than anyone could bear,
By fabricating a lie so horrible that forever would she have it to wear.
Torn by betrayal, anger, loss, and guilt,
Around her mental barriers she built.
She vowed to never again trust another,
Not even her wonderful mother.
While I, spiteful as could be,
Laughed, and enjoyed her pain greatly.
Farther and farther into her shell she would recede,
While I continued to marvel at what I could achieve.
Then came a second wind, and with it I felt that which I could not name.
I began to fell empathy, guilt, disappointment, and shame.
And even though I fought all those feelings,
It was evident that I was experiencing a multitude of healings.
However, the healings took far too long,
Because all of those I cared about, her included, were gone.
I thought about what I had done day after day,
Until I finally realized that I could not make my past go away.
I forgave myself and moved on,
But the consequences of my actions were far from gone.
I know that I am a good person now,
But to convince others of that, I don’t know how.
It seems as though people enjoy spreading rumors about me,
But I think it’s the pain they cause me they love to see.
However much pain they cause me, I will not return the attack,
For if I did, into my own self, I would go back…

I have no idea what to write
For the first time since I began poetry.
All of the thoughts inside of my head,
Are as clear to me as a pitch black night.
A night void of stars and the moon,
There is no sound,
And not a soul to be found,
Save me, all alone.
This is how I am all of the time,
Except when I am with Kristen.
I’ve never wanted to be with anyone more,
She is the only light in my dark, dark world.
The problem is that I don’t know,
How to show her that I care,
Without freaking her out and making
Things harder for her than they already are.
All I want to do is be able to hold her,
Be with her,
And tell her how much I love her.
I have made myself so vulnerable to her,
That she could take my very soul,
In the palm of her hand
And extinguish it totally and completely.
It would be easier for her to do so
Than it would be for her
To do anything else.
She knows that I care,
And that I want to be with her,
But she has problems of her own
And I don’t want to add to them
Anymore than I already have.
I am inexperienced I this area,
I don’t know what to do.
All I know is that I hurt
When she does;
It’s hard for me to breathe
When she is not there by me.
I constantly think about her
And if she is well and safe.
I wonder around purposelessly
In my life regarding
Anything but her.
I want to change everything I am,
To suit her wants and needs.
I want to give her everything that I have
And be everything for her.
I want to hug her,
Hold her,
Kiss her,
Be with her,
Love her.
I am so confused
By everything that’s going on
And it doesn’t seem to be
Getting any better any time soon.
It’s all my fault for
This pain I am in.
I am a fool,
For thinking I could be everything for her,
When she is the one I am now dependant upon.
My mind is going so fast
That I can’t even understand
A hundredth of what
Is going on inside of it.
The little that I do understand
Is so painful that I block it out.
What I do understand is this:
I don’t deserve her,
It would be better for her if I let her go.
All of my pain is struggling to
Escape and I fear it soon will.
My carefully crafted personality is
Crumbling beneath the weight of everything
That is going on in my life.
It seems as though my entire body
Is tearing itself apart
Mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
I am trying to take on the pain
Of Julie’s and Kristen’s
Because I care so much,
And that is the only reason I have
Lasted so long.
Taking on their pain
Blocks out the pain I am going
Through and insulates me from the real world.
It seems as though things can’t get better
Because they have become so terrible.
My life seems to be ruled by pain, anger, and sadness.
I still don’t know what to do and no matter how hard I try,
It feels like I can never succeed
But I can only fail miserably.
I cannot give up, though,
Because that would give Julie and Kristen
Permission to give up.
And they cannot give up
Because they have a chance to do
Great things in life.
I don’t understand why I am so
Influential on their lives.
I am such an insignificant being that nothing
Would change in the world
If I had never came to be.
I have affected people’s lives only for the worse
By bringing my problems and putting them out there
For other people to see.
I have made my problems
Other people’s problems and I can no longer
Continue to do that.
My conscious will no longer
Allow me to destroy everyone’s life
The way I have been since I was born.
It must end now…..

I’ve decided to give up searching for the one meant for me,
Because if I don’t stop, I will never be able to be happy.
No one will ever take the time to get to know me, no one will ever take the time to understand,
And because of that, now all I’ll be for the rest of my life is a lonely man.
I don’t ask much at all of anyone,
All I really want is to truly be loved by someone,
And love them, too.
But it seems as though this dream can never come true.
It isn’t really that important that I’m happy,
I just want everyone I care about to be.
The problem is, I get my heart broken every time I place my faith in a girl,
And make her my life, my whole world.
I’ve been through enough pain in my life, right?
So why do I still have to put up with this fight?
I guess the men I am isn’t good enough,
I must not be made of the right stuff,
Because no one seems to want me,
They don’t even want to know me
And that just makes me see,
Just how important I must be.
All I want to do is hold her in my arms,
And do everything I can to keep her out of harms
Way.
But that’s something that I cannot even say.
Because I know that I’ll get yelled at,
Because I’ll be told on by some rat.
One that only cares about destroying peoples lives,
And making unfaithful all of the men’s wives.
I’ve got so much love in my heart,
But I know that from her, I’ll always be apart.
I sure don’t blame her,
If roles were reversed, I’d do the same, that’s for sure.
Now I just don’t have any idea what I’m to do,
Because it seems as though I’ll never find a girl to whom my heart is allowed to remain true.
It just makes me so sad,
That I don’t have any room to get mad.
I feel so depressed,
And on top of that, I’m so **** stressed.
Plus, I feel like such a fool.
To have ever thought that I could be cared about by someone so beautiful, kind, and cool.
So what I am to do now is something I do not know,
I have no idea which way my life is now suppose to go.
I just feel like such a ****,
Because she was the only reason I loved to work.
But now I don’t have really any motivation,
But I don’t have anytime for procrastination.
Because my life has been o hold far too long,
And if I waste anymore of it, it’ll be long gone
So now I have to find something else to motivate me,
And continue to be the best I can be.
The only problem is that spending time with her made me a better person
.Now that I know she doesn’t care like I thought, I’m no longer able to be that person.
That’s okay, though, because she is such an incredible girl,
That she could have any man in the entire world.
But that isn’t who she is,
She isn’t into taking everything of his,
Breaking a man’s heart,
Or trying to tear his soul apart.
I’m not really sure what else to say,
So I guess it’s best to end it in this way:
Love for her would’ve been number one on my list,
And to her, never would I ever raise a fist.
To her, I would be honest and true,
And never would there ever be anything she could do,
To cause me to ever shun her,
And of that, I am one-hundred percent sure.

The love we had is lost to only be replaced by pain,
Never again will my life be the same.
I’ve lost my confidence, I no longer trust myself,
Nor could I care less about my health.
Never have I felt a pain this bad,
This pain is by far the worst I’ve ever had.
I have lost the right to tell her how much I love her,
And no longer can I comfort or hold her
In my arms like I use to.
I lost her because, to me, she was untrue.
I lost the feel of her soft lips against mine,
Her soft, luscious lips so fine.
I lost the right to hold her hand,
Her soft, warm hand.
I’ve lost the ability to say we’re together,
And I’ve lost the belief that we’ll be together forever.

Love is extremely difficult to explain,
Because very seldom is it simple or plain.
It is very complex,
And can be destroyed quicker than the quickest reflex.
It can take a long time to build up,
Like using a tiny drop to fill a ten-gallon cup.
But when you’re in that moment, it’s amazing,
And it feels like you’re raising
High into the air
And about nothing else do you care.
But it can also cause a lot of deep pain,
And embed your soul in a deep, deep shame.
You feel like you have died
For you have cried and cried.
But the pain is, if anything, worse,
And you wish they would just take you away in a hearse.
Most people don’t want to get involved,
Because they think they have evolved,
Far beyond the need for comfort.
But through their lives they need to sort.
Because they only way to gain,
The trust of others, is to open yourself up to experience more pain.

Hey girl, don’t be afraid, I don’t bite.
I’m the one who’ll do everything he can to treat you right.
I may not be handsome, but I’ve got a big heart.
I want to be your friend, let me know when to start.
If you’ll be my girl, you’ll be my number one.
Without you, I’ll never be able to have fun.
I’ll be conscious of your wants and needs.
Girl, for you my heart bleeds.
I’ll listen to every word you have to say.
I’ll be there for you day after day.
I’ll love you full, girl, I’ll never cheat,
Being with you would be such a treat.
I’m not a freak, I don’t always have to touch.
It’s up to you, girl, I’ll love you that much.
I swear I’m good, please just give me a chance!
I’m not the kind of guy that cares about gettin’ in your pants!
What you want and need will always come first,
I’ll be so in love with you that I’ll burst!
If you want, we can just be friends,
If that’s the case, I hope that friendship never ends.

Thoughts are what you know,
And they sometimes won’t let you go.
An unnerving obsession,
Turns into a disastrous confession.
No one else knows,
What route your mind goes.
If someone could really read your mind,
Wouldn’t you be embarrassed by what they might find?
I would never think anything personal
Because that’s my business
And I don’t want no one to know,
What my mind has to show.

I know who I am,
And sometimes it makes me quite sad.
I’m not a person who says, “Yes, Ma’am.”
But I’m really not that bad.
I’m usually quite kind,
As long as you don’t mind,
A person who likes to talk,
Then I won’t tell you to take a walk
With my mean side,
Which might make you want to hide.
Don’t worry, though, I don’t bite,
But if you hurt me, then I just might.
I’ve been told that I’m really quite smart,
And I know I have a big heart.
No, it’s not full of hot air,
But it is full of care.
I’m not considered ‘cool’,
Nor am I really any good at pool.
But there are a lot of things I am good at,
Like swinging a heavy bat,
To hit a baseball,
Or shooting a basketball,
From half-court.
Making a huge tree fort,
With my bare hands,
And naming old bands.
And best of all,
I know what to call
Myself…
  Myself!

The one I have now is kind and nice,
The one I had before has a heart of pure ice.
The one I have now is beautiful and will forever be true,
The one I had before was always down, upset, and blue.
The one I have now really does care about me,
The one I had before was as careless as could be.
The one I have now makes me happy and free,
The one I had before made me afraid to be me.

Once upon a time there was a boy: me.
To everyone that knew him, he was ugly as could be.
And even though this boy was hated,
He had the strength to live, so he waited.
For nearly eighteen years he was isolated and abused,
And in order to escape the pain of it, others he used.
He built up towers and walls as high as could be,
So that his real self, no one could ever see.
Around him he made the lives of others hell,
And protected himself by hiding inside his shell.
This shell of his was as tough as steel,
And prevented this boy certain emotions to feel.
He became cold, calculating, and raw,
He was the cruelest boy you ever saw.
Everyone hated him and he hated them back,
Day by day did his heart become ever more black.
Then this boy’s carefully crafted shell broke,
And from solitary his true emotions awoke.
He was lost and confused by these emotions he now felt,
And then through some of his pain he finally dealt.
But still he was lost, continuing to wander around,
For the longest time he could not even find the ground.
To maintain his new, true self, hard through the darkness did he fight,
Until he met her, and in the darkness came a light.
No longer was he lost, now he was found,
His feet finally rested on firm ground.
She loved him regardless of his past, for who he truly was,
And he loved her back and was happier than anyone ever was.
They laughed, cried, and suffered hardships together,
They fought through the oppression of others,
Who did not want them to be together,
But instead of tearing them apart,
They helped them become closer,
And love one another all the more.
The two trusted each other implicitly, never did they lie to one another,
Nothing no one else said or did could come between them.
It did not take long until they realized they wanted
To be together forever and until the end of time.
They wanted to have a family together,
And so they made their vows and together they were bound.
The woman: smart, beautiful, and sweet…..
The man: devoted, gentle, and sensitive…..
Together they made a ‘Once Upon A Time’ story come true.

Writing poetry means a lot to me,
Its effect on me is something that others can easily see.
It makes me happy, it makes me outgoin’,
It’s so much that all of my emotions are showin’:
I mean, I’m happier than I’ve ever been,
I haven’t been this happy since I don’t even know when.
I’m not even bein’ lazy,
I swear, I’m startin’ to go crazy
I’m even able to just walk up to strangers and sing,
Don’t get me wrong, though, I’m not sayin’ it’s a bad thing.
I think that’s it’s awesome,
Cuz thanks to poetry, my life is so much more fun.

No one knows how much pain I have felt,

And no one, save me, knows how much pain to others I’ve dealt.

The pain I’ve caused cannot be measured

For I have destroyed the thing they once treasured.

Now they have no trust in others,

Not even in their beloved mothers.

Never will they have a wife

For they don’t care enough about their life.

I only blame one person

Who couldn’t care less about his father’s only son.

I don’t blame anyone but myself

Since the only one I cared about was myself.

It took me far too long to see the light

So that maybe I just might

Have been able to stop myself from causing even more pain

It may be too late but I see now there was no gain.

All I did was cause others to fear

Me and hope that I was not near.

I don’t want them to turn out like me,

Because there is no end to how unfair that would be.

I’ve got all this **** going on inside my head,
So much pain inside of me, I just wish I was dead.
Or I would, if it wasn’t for my girl,
Who is my whole world.
But she likes two other guys,
And, as much as it hurts to admit, I think she’s telling me lies.
What the **** am I suppose to do?
All I can do now is to her, be true.
Because I would die inside if she ever left me,
Because more lost than ever, I would be.
I don’t know what the **** I’m going to do, but I want to give up,
My drive to live can hardly fill a tiny cup,
It use to overflow a ten gallon bucket,
Now all I want to say is “**** it”
But I know that if I quit, then she will, too,
And that just will never do.

I’m being put under too much strain,

Pretty soon I won’t be able to handle all of the pain.

People tell me that I’ll be just fine,

All I have to do is give it some time.

But I’ve given it nearly eighteen years,

And still, every night, my pain makes me shed tears.

I’m not a bad person, nor am I dumb,

So I know that if this pain continues, soon all I’ll be is numb.

I hurt ‘cause all those I care about,

Aren’t allowed to hear me when I try to give them a shout.

I don’t have any kind of my life,

If it keeps going this way, I’ll never meet my wife.

I’ve forgiven my parents for what they did,

Even though from the truth they’ve always hid.

So why can’t just have some confidence in myself?

I see myself as a tiny, insignificant, little elf,

Smaller than everyone around me,

Even though I’ve been told I have the potential to be

More than I could ever have dreamed.

Why is it that I do not think this can be achieved?

Is it because I try so hard,

I always seem to draw the most useless card?

Or is it because I don’t know who I really am?

Or ‘cause I don’t think that anybody gives a ****?

It can’t be the latter ‘cause I know a lot of people that care,

And not so long ago, that knowledge would have been very rare.

That’s it, I’m abandoning all attempts at reason.
I don’t care if I get charged for treason!
The unfairness of this world is a bunch of bologna,
There’s no reason I should go through life feeling so lonely!
Why is it whenever I meet a girl for whom my feelings could remain steady,
She’s going out with someone already?!
She’s the only one that makes me smile these days,
She’s the only one who can make me change my ways.
If she feels the same about me, I don’t know,
But I do know that I really hope so!
I still want her to stay with her man,
‘Cuz I’m not trying to break them up, that’s not the plan!
I just want for her to b content,
Even if that means she only comes to me to vent.
I don’t really know what it is,
But I just wish my place could be switched with his!
I’m jealous as can be of this guy!
I’ll say it straight, I won’t lie!
But I will say that he had better treat her right,
Or, I swear, for him, it’ll be tight…

If you’d allow me, I’d be the one to treat you right,
Girl, I swear, you and I will be so tight.
I can love you through thick and thin,
And I’m one of the most forgiving guys there has ever been.
I won’t lie, cheat, or steal,
And I promise, to you, I’ll be real.
I listen to everything you have to say,
And I’ll love you in every possible way.
All I ask in return is that you are true to me,
And for me, be all that you can be.
In return, I’ll be whatever you want me to,
And I’ll do anything you ask me to do.
I’ll still be myself, though
And you know, because it will show.
I really am a kind, caring person,
I’ve changed so much, that’s the main reason.  
I didn’t always use to be so good,
As a matter of fact, I use to be quiet rude.
Now all want to do is hold you in my arms tightly,
And tell you that I love you nightly.
I don’t mean like that, either,
And if you need space, just tell me you need a breather.
I will do my best to not hurt you,
And I’ll even cheer you up when you’re feeling blue.
I can promise that I can be everything you want and more,
All you have to do is walk through my front door,
And tell me that you know,
That for you, to the ends of the earth and back I would go.

I want to be your everything, I want to be your all,
I want to be the one that, when you need to talk, you’d call.
I’m lost and don’t know what to do,
Whenever I’m not around you.
I’ve lost so many and loved so few,
But because of that, so much stronger I grew.
It wasn’t until I met you my heart finally flew,
What I could do to keep it that way, I had no clue.
But you already altered my world and brought about change,
And even though it was wonderful, it was also quite strange.
I felt what I had never felt before,
And around you, I felt it even more.
But then you said you might leave,
And I could do was grieve.
But I realized that you had already stolen my heart,
Therefore, in my life, you became the most important part.
Then, from my haze, I awoke,
And realized that you were already with another bloke.
Even though I try to pretend that I don’t care,
Deep down I just don’t think its fair,
‘Cuz I’m lost when you are not there,
And the truth of it I cannot bear.

There’s this girl I know and she’s so incredibly cool,
And she is far from being a fool.
I absolutely love the way she smiles at me,
And when I’m around her, she’s the only one I see.
She’s the one I want to hold,
But about this, no one I have told.
But to her I want to show
My real feelings so that she’ll know
That I want to be with her forever and always
And I pray we never choose to go “our separate ways”.
I really want to be a part of her life
But not knowing if that’s what she wants causes me much strife.
If she doesn’t, that’s okay, I want her to be happy.
And if she’s not sure, I’m patient, I won’t say, “Make it snappy!”
Right now she is the best friend I have got, (and could ever have)
And to me what she thinks and feels means a lot.
I really do care about her as a person.
And for that there is a really good reason.
That reason being that she is such an awesome person.

When I stop and think
About all of the death and despair
The only thing that comes to mind
Is that it’s all so unfair
God made all mankind equal
So why does it seem
As though to this story there is no sequel?
Why do we think we are so keen
When all we have become is cruel and mean?
I think it’s crap
Because all of us have fallen directly into Satans trap.
Who are you who thinks he can hide from Him,
What you have done, how you have sinned?
Woe!
Woe unto you sinners and seekers!
Who **** together with the speakers
Of  Satan to proclaim lies against the one True God!
Never on the path of righteousness will he trod!
For the lies of Satan may seem great,
But they are full of loathing and hate,
And are nothing more than bait.
Satan doesn’t have the patience to wait.
For the Truth is right in front of us!
And blinded though we are by our lusts,
Most of us choose,
The Truth to abuse.
For we just don’t care,
To give, share, or be fair.

When I turn the burning hot water on,
And realize that my inner pain is gone,
I feel a great amount of peace
And I can feel a great release.
Then I turn the water off
And start to cough
Because my heart is crazy
And my vision is all hazy.