I’ve watched the strong grow into their power.

I’ve been graced with their beauty.

I’ve been fortunate to love them above myself.

Buried by the desire to exist within their mind.

Always repeating how I love you more than me.

After you swiftly remove my
heart from my chest,
I’ll leave it on my lap.
Bare for the wolves to consume.
Barren and without a care.
You can dispose of the pieces
they leave behind.

Forgiving myself for my shortcomings

Accept what is perceived as failure

Nobody is perfect I suppose

Reconcile my thoughts about me

You need a break
Time alone
Moments away from me
I didn't mean to smother you
I made it another day
Without bothering you
Are you happier now?
I hope you're happier now.

I wish you were here
I'd tell you about my day
There really wouldn't be much to say
But at least I'd get to say it
Say it to someone other than the wind
I worry you'll forget my face
It is still the warmest color for you

There you are in your bed
Watching as the sun comes up
Slowly cascading across the room
Soon enough it's noon
Suddenly it's 4
Eventually the sun is going down
It falls low enough there is darkness
You're sitting in that sweet spot
The time when the sun is gone
The moon hasn't glanced down yet
Eventually the room is filled
With the softest white light
Here you are at midnight
Wondering where the day has escaped to
But that sweet spot? Total darkness
The kind that makes it feel like
It's just you and the universe?
That's what it feels like.

I can't seem to find the proper stream
The correct level of flow for emotions
Enough to make it known I care
But limited enough to be palatable

I have always promised to stay
conscious in times I was unwanted.
That's my fault.
For believing in hope,
always holding a strand,
even if it was the tiniest.
Holding it tight and waiting,
waiting to be wanted.

Let it win.
Give up the face.
Cut down all the cares in the world.
Stop the love and affection.
You win.
Feel nothing.
Removed.
Give them what they want.

It’ll often feel like the stars are pressing down on you. As if the entire night sky exists only to suffocate any attempt at sleep you desire. The moon will bounce from the window, to your skin and devour every sinful thought you conjure up.

You can hold on so tight to the feelings, attempt to make them feel so new but they aren’t new to you. Every breath in unison to home, every sigh creating a larger mountain of words that nobody else is willing to climb. Try so hard to forgive them.

Tell yourself all about their sorrow & pain, justification. Always a justification for the lashes. Creating a perfect circle until the sun rises. You’ll go to work & when you come home to set your head upon the pillows, the moon will bounce in again.

Tell me once more how it’s all suppose to be.
Fix yourself up.
Leave me standing around.
Question my motives
& deny my words.

One day you’ll be forgotten.
Rooms will be bereft of light
& colors will become stark.
All because you won’t forget him.
He will take all those things with him
& no matter how beautiful the words
are, you can’t change his perception.

I forget about a lot.
I give permission to my mind to let it go.
“Don’t take it so personal.”
Remind myself it’s not always meant for me.
Yet I often replay moments, words, on repeat.
“You’re not worth my words.”
There is no deliverance from those.

Some of us try to ignore the cruelty
out of love or simple desire.
We think about the surface when it happens.
The way in which it’s all a piece,
skin movement, the face made when they
think no one else is looking.
The weathered and sad existence,
deserving of love.

You miss the smell
you miss the rain
you miss all the faces
knowing you would void their pain

Injustice can only prosper for so long.

You need mountain tops
and the warm Red Sea
nothing with me.
I need you
I would follow you to
anywhere you want to be.

it's unrealistic to think you
should be happy all the time
life doesn't always work that way
I'm just searching for the peace
being content
I've found pieces of it in many things
I found so much of it in you
"Please wait just let me speak"
I'll always hold onto you
just keep holding onto me

I showed you my wounds
Delicately you sewed them up
Darkness sets and slowly
The thread is undone
Unravels by your hand
Unravels by their hands

When you’ve exhausted their reservoirs
When you’ve become too much
What will you do with yourself?
How will you explain to your mind
That you made them lose their will?
Their will to listen to your ******* anymore.

Please never stop loving the
Furrow between my eyes
Remember my face as only gentle
And often times curious
Think of my voice as only a comfort
When you can no longer hear it
Remember how you felt from my touch
But don’t miss it too much in the end
Don’t stay hung up when I’m gone
Keep comfort in all the moments
That were me caring for you
Don’t stay sad in the end
Don’t stay hung up

500 days of loving every single piece of you.

500 days of constantly feeling like I miss you.

500 days of desire and heartache.

500 days of not regretting it for one second.

500 days of not wanting to let go of it.

500 days of maintaining.

500 beautiful days of you.

the human frame tricks us
ever changing
constantly something better
magnify our flaws
compare again
constantly taking words to heart
replaying their view over and over

It’s the shake in your fingers
The irregular heartbeat
Gutted onto the floor boards
Listening to the creaks of them
As your roommate walks around
Never ending head spin as you
Try to force some sense into it all
Clip and compare moments
Complete

The tiny pasta stain from my birthday,
     I’ll let it set in
Every photograph taken late at night
     Etched into memory
The lingering smell on our pillowcases
     I’ll try to remember it
Your jar of water so perfectly placed
     Waiting to be refilled
Every piece exactly how you left them
     Cherished
A perfect freeze of the last time
     Waiting for the next time

You wish you were home

floating in the sea

shaded by the most beautiful trees

perfect sunsets would

set your soul free

Plant roots they say
Build a home and get comfortable
Stop and create a life
But my roots are planted in you
Your soul is my home
And the place I am most comfortable
Life is to be created along side you

Some days I feel like art
As if the universe picked
all the right pieces for
all the correct places
but some days, many days
I feel like a forgotten medium
Insecurity is never fun
It hurts to recognize the
things you will never be
to question our worth
to second guess out bodies

They wanted you to stop loving them.
They wanted you to recognize
the lack of affection.
They told you time and time again that
the love wasn’t there.
You spent all your mind trying to ignore it.
In the end you stopped caring about everything.
Now you’re unbothered by it all.

It's a constant shiver
As if I recognize I need to take a breath
Forget to breathe and remind myself
It causes a shake in my bones
We get here from me
we devolved because of me
How do I fix it?
How do I make it okay?

You don’t want to exist here.
Constantly singing the song of sacrifice,
It fell on deaf ears for 21 years.
Spent that time with the desire to be heard.
You planted roots within women who pulled you from enrichment once you bloomed.
Gave your wisdom to friends who folded into foe and watched as they attempted to fill the minds around them with riddles.
This place will ferment you,
Your words
Your skin
Your ways.

Constantly apologizing
for who I am to others
Ashamed of the place
I wish so deeply to be
Yell to the clouds
"Oh to be unique!"

It's as if my skin has been rubbed raw
My care feels helpless
Stopped in its tracks by heat
A burning push
Forgotten eventually

It's not about the hurting
about the grief
It's about being left alone in it
alone in that pain
Alone to exist in the grief

I built a home in you
Furniture made of secrets
moments and memories
Spent within that home
Made of our love

It's the language I miss
The pocket of earth we created
Where jokes, rhymes, phrases
mean something to only us
I miss filling this room with laughter
Creating creases in our sheets
Bellies full
Hearts empty from
spreading outselves
out for one another

Sorrow can make your head heavy
Empty your heart out
Deliver unsafe feelings
As if at any moment you'll
become just a fleeting memory

My mind feels like it’s constantly thawing
Trying to resurrect from the constant
Pressure of cold, dead hands.

Made out to be the sinner
Blinded by empathy
Mix in guilt and shame
Voila!
The villain is here

Some days will be mundane
and some will be profoud
All I know for sure is I will
love you through all of it

Sometimes goodness in your heart wont matter
The softness of your soul will be overlooked
The force driving your intention misread

And so suddenly I don't exist
As if all those moments never happened
only for you
I'll carry them around
Life a weight fighting to drown me
The face you held in your hands
Struggling to stay above water
Trying to catch one more gasp of fresh air
Begging for some semblance of hope
The deepest of blue begging for a hand
Begging for a glimpse of what should be

They carry no fear of it
No impulse to pull you back in
They just loosen your grip
Slowly undoing your fingers
Each time you quickly replace one
A constant battle to hold on
Never let go of the cliff
Stay on the mountain and breathe it in

You left me to fend off the intruders alone
Quietly left while I fought back
Telling them it wasn't right, I'm yours
Showing them the song and dance
The slowest waltz to explain the beat
Only to realize I was explaining alone
I was fighting by myself

It was a chain of events
promises
desires
plans
Then nothing
Cast to the side as if it were
nothing

You make me dream in gold.
Clouds filled with milk.
Architecture made of honey.
My mind plays tricks on me
and makes me think you're here.
For a brief moment I exist
in a place made for you and I.

Tell me again about the birds and bees
The sweet song about how it's just
you and me

When I try to find the words
my mouth turns to rust
Stuck without proper words
I wish you were here

They will ask "how far can you imagine?"
But really it should be "how far can you see?"
because I see it all
You and I just existing
Claiming this life to be ours

I bloom best at night
Deep in darkness
Not a natural sound to be heard
Just the city fights
Sirens on repeat
Triple check the locks

I feel like I waste all the air in my lungs trying to convince others to help me breathe. I’m constantly battling with what I’m missing. Trying to figure out how to make myself more enjoyable. How do I make myself into the correct version? Restrict here, allow extra there. Making myself smaller verbally, physically, mentally... hoping that there will be enough room for me. There is just never enough room for me.