I have always promised to stay
conscious in times I was unwanted.
That's my fault.
For believing in hope,
always holding a strand,
even if it was the tiniest.
Holding it tight and waiting,
waiting to be wanted.

I can't seem to find the proper stream
The correct level of flow for emotions
Enough to make it known I care
But limited enough to be palatable

There you are in your bed
Watching as the sun comes up
Slowly cascading across the room
Soon enough it's noon
Suddenly it's 4
Eventually the sun is going down
It falls low enough there is darkness
You're sitting in that sweet spot
The time when the sun is gone
The moon hasn't glanced down yet
Eventually the room is filled
With the softest white light
Here you are at midnight
Wondering where the day has escaped to
But that sweet spot? Total darkness
The kind that makes it feel like
It's just you and the universe?
That's what it feels like.

I wish you were here
I'd tell you about my day
There really wouldn't be much to say
But at least I'd get to say it
Say it to someone other than the wind
I worry you'll forget my face
It is still the warmest color for you

You need a break
Time alone
Moments away from me
I didn't mean to smother you
I made it another day
Without bothering you
Are you happier now?
I hope you're happier now.

Forgiving myself for my shortcomings

Accept what is perceived as failure

Nobody is perfect I suppose

Reconcile my thoughts about me

It feels permanent because it is
It feels impossible at times
It feels like a train moving at full steam
Heading for the broken bridge

Each ***** packs a bag
“Get up and walk away?”
“Just overnight, maybe two
Because we seemingly cannot
Exist without you”

People assume grief is only intertwined with death.

That somehow you can only feel deep grief or sorrow when you experience the greatest loss.

Yet sometimes grief sneaks in when you miss something deep enough that it resembles death.

When it feels like a loss that takes part of your soul with you.

You are the mourner
The one who carries the weight
The vast mind filled
with faces of agony

For me?
You live in thousands of words
Countless dreams
Deep rooted love
I can be hope when you’ve run dry
I won’t give up on you
So please don’t give up on me
You’re going to get where you need to be
All those desires formed into
Perfect hopes and dreams
Every soul counted, saved
When it all feels far away I’ll try
My absolute best to keep you grounded

Quiet chaos
You and me
Trying to find rhythm
Feels like desperation
Losing hope
I just need a sign

I could try to explain it until I’m blue in face and yet you won’t know until you know. Grief is never something you just grow out of, you adapt, change, move yourself in circles around it. It comes with you, often times watching from afar. Suddenly it’s on your shoulder, whispering in your ear about all the mistakes you made when they were here, all the things you’ll never get to show them, moments you’ll never share. You can grieve until your eyes burn and your ears bleed… you’ll still never get rid of it.

I bloom best at night
Deep in darkness
Not a natural sound to be heard
Just the city fights
Sirens on repeat
Triple check the locks

They will ask "how far can you imagine?"
But really it should be "how far can you see?"
because I see it all
You and I just existing
Claiming this life to be ours

When I try to find the words
my mouth turns to rust
Stuck without proper words
I wish you were here

Tell me again about the birds and bees
The sweet song about how it's just
you and me

Sometimes goodness in your heart wont matter
The softness of your soul will be overlooked
The force driving your intention misread

Some days will be mundane
and some will be profoud
All I know for sure is I will
love you through all of it

Made out to be the sinner
Blinded by empathy
Mix in guilt and shame
Voila!
The villain is here

It was a chain of events
promises
desires
plans
Then nothing
Cast to the side as if it were
nothing

You left me to fend off the intruders alone
Quietly left while I fought back
Telling them it wasn't right, I'm yours
Showing them the song and dance
The slowest waltz to explain the beat
Only to realize I was explaining alone
I was fighting by myself

They carry no fear of it
No impulse to pull you back in
They just loosen your grip
Slowly undoing your fingers
Each time you quickly replace one
A constant battle to hold on
Never let go of the cliff
Stay on the mountain and breathe it in

And so suddenly I don't exist
As if all those moments never happened
only for you
I'll carry them around
Life a weight fighting to drown me
The face you held in your hands
Struggling to stay above water
Trying to catch one more gasp of fresh air
Begging for some semblance of hope
The deepest of blue begging for a hand
Begging for a glimpse of what should be

I built a home in you
Furniture made of secrets
moments and memories
Spent within that home
Made of our love

It's not about the hurting
about the grief
It's about being left alone in it
alone in that pain
Alone to exist in the grief

It's as if my skin has been rubbed raw
My care feels helpless
Stopped in its tracks by heat
A burning push
Forgotten eventually

Constantly apologizing
for who I am to others
Ashamed of the place
I wish so deeply to be
Yell to the clouds
"Oh to be unique!"

Sorrow can make your head heavy
Empty your heart out
Deliver unsafe feelings
As if at any moment you'll
become just a fleeting memory

It's the language I miss
The pocket of earth we created
Where jokes, rhymes, phrases
mean something to only us
I miss filling this room with laughter
Creating creases in our sheets
Bellies full
Hearts empty from
spreading outselves
out for one another

Some days I feel like art
As if the universe picked
all the right pieces for
all the correct places
but some days, many days
I feel like a forgotten medium
Insecurity is never fun
It hurts to recognize the
things you will never be
to question our worth
to second guess out bodies

Plant roots they say
Build a home and get comfortable
Stop and create a life
But my roots are planted in you
Your soul is my home
And the place I am most comfortable
Life is to be created along side you

It's a constant shiver
As if I recognize I need to take a breath
Forget to breathe and remind myself
It causes a shake in my bones
We get here from me
we devolved because of me
How do I fix it?
How do I make it okay?

It’s the shake in your fingers
The irregular heartbeat
Gutted onto the floor boards
Listening to the creaks of them
As your roommate walks around
Never ending head spin as you
Try to force some sense into it all
Clip and compare moments
Complete

Please never stop loving the
Furrow between my eyes
Remember my face as only gentle
And often times curious
Think of my voice as only a comfort
When you can no longer hear it
Remember how you felt from my touch
But don’t miss it too much in the end
Don’t stay hung up when I’m gone
Keep comfort in all the moments
That were me caring for you
Don’t stay sad in the end
Don’t stay hung up

When you’ve exhausted their reservoirs
When you’ve become too much
What will you do with yourself?
How will you explain to your mind
That you made them lose their will?
Their will to listen to your ******* anymore.

I showed you my wounds
Delicately you sewed them up
Darkness sets and slowly
The thread is undone
Unravels by your hand
Unravels by their hands

The tiny pasta stain from my birthday,
     I’ll let it set in
Every photograph taken late at night
     Etched into memory
The lingering smell on our pillowcases
     I’ll try to remember it
Your jar of water so perfectly placed
     Waiting to be refilled
Every piece exactly how you left them
     Cherished
A perfect freeze of the last time
     Waiting for the next time

it's unrealistic to think you
should be happy all the time
life doesn't always work that way
I'm just searching for the peace
being content
I've found pieces of it in many things
I found so much of it in you
"Please wait just let me speak"
I'll always hold onto you
just keep holding onto me

the human frame tricks us
ever changing
constantly something better
magnify our flaws
compare again
constantly taking words to heart
replaying their view over and over

Set the table and wait.
Dimmed lights,
Waiting for the raw umber
To walk through the door.

Some of us try to ignore the cruelty
out of love or simple desire.
We think about the surface when it happens.
The way in which it’s all a piece,
skin movement, the face made when they
think no one else is looking.
The weathered and sad existence,
deserving of love.

It’ll often feel like the stars are pressing down on you. As if the entire night sky exists only to suffocate any attempt at sleep you desire. The moon will bounce from the window, to your skin and devour every sinful thought you conjure up.

You can hold on so tight to the feelings, attempt to make them feel so new but they aren’t new to you. Every breath in unison to home, every sigh creating a larger mountain of words that nobody else is willing to climb. Try so hard to forgive them.

Tell yourself all about their sorrow & pain, justification. Always a justification for the lashes. Creating a perfect circle until the sun rises. You’ll go to work & when you come home to set your head upon the pillows, the moon will bounce in again.

I forget about a lot.
I give permission to my mind to let it go.
“Don’t take it so personal.”
Remind myself it’s not always meant for me.
Yet I often replay moments, words, on repeat.
“You’re not worth my words.”
There is no deliverance from those.

One day you’ll be forgotten.
Rooms will be bereft of light
& colors will become stark.
All because you won’t forget him.
He will take all those things with him
& no matter how beautiful the words
are, you can’t change his perception.

Tell me once more how it’s all suppose to be.
Fix yourself up.
Leave me standing around.
Question my motives
& deny my words.

He said let’s play a game.
She said of course.

“So if you had to lose one of your senses, which one would you give up and why?”

“Well none of course.”

“Well that’s not how you play the game.”

“But I don’t want to be without one. How would I ever survive without seeing your eyes, touching your hand, hearing your voice, smelling your skin or tasting your lips?”

“... but that’s not how you play the game...”

Let it win.
Give up the face.
Cut down all the cares in the world.
Stop the love and affection.
You win.
Feel nothing.
Removed.
Give them what they want.

It’s a constant drum.
Right behind the sternum,
Well maybe a little too my left.

Have you ever tried to explain your hurt?
It’s like you’re climbing a mountain,
He is a mountain.

After you swiftly remove my
heart from my chest,
I’ll leave it on my lap.
Bare for the wolves to consume.
Barren and without a care.
You can dispose of the pieces
they leave behind.