i let you in
so completely
it was sickening

your hands inside
the darker parts
of my forever tripping brain

you came out
knuckles black
****** and bruised by
the great fight my soul
put up

i tried to do the same
to reach within
your all encompassing blackness
to grab the single bit of life

i came back
heartbroken and with
my nose running ******

you beat my own game
even 900 miles
from where it began

i came back bloodied and
empty
you came back beaten
but *victorious

being held under
was a
gift
experience
test
game

i took it seriously
i created
endlessly
mercilessly
without realizing

because that's what you do
when you get held under
you find a way to breathe

but mine was temporary
and the water is rising
and there is no way to breathe
i wasted it
my resources

now my cries for air
are not seen as
a cry for help
they are for
attention
the spotlight

because drowning
is the same
as bursting forth
from the water

there are many
human beings on
the planet
who
draw
sing
love
think
write

they create beauty
they live with
a purpose
with something to wake up for

what do i have?
i think
and the answer is nothing

i am nothing
i am a pair of feet
a tired mind
heavy limbs
and closed eyes

i sleep
i wake
i grind
through
school
friends
family
i eat
and don't care
and i repeat

my record is broken

my disc is scratched

i am no longer valueable
to anyone

i am routine
i am boring

i am nothing