I hate you for making me hate my favorite restaurant because you work there
Because that's where I met you
I don't go there as often as I used to for fear you will be working
For fear I will have to see you
For fear I will have to talk to you
For fear that if I do I will stumble over my words
Stutter, speak another language, have blood spur from my cheeks due to how much I would be blushing
Vomiting up words of my renounced love for you that lately I have been sick of swallowing
It would be embarrassing to say the least
Your palms would not sweat, chills will not appear on the back of your neck, you will be just fine
I can hardly talk anymore due to the amount of poems stuck in my throat
It is getting hard to swallow
It is getting hard to breath
I have been coughing up letters and syllables, numbers given to me that I forget to call because I don’t remember getting them
I am drinking away this sadness but more often than not I forget my name before I forget yours
I do not know who I am because of you
I am losing touch with every reality that your named is not tattooed on
I am in love with the idea of you loving me
You told me not to string myself along for something that may never happen
You meant this when you said it which was something unusual for you
And I turned the other cheek to seeing your new girlfriend at walmart
Turned the other cheek to her laughing at me
Turned it again when I drove all the way home without a seatbelt on
I find myself wanted to get in a fatal car accident so I am not so tempted to drive by your house
I hit all the green lights on the way their so there must be some viable reason for me going
I see a car in your driveway that I do not recognize I wonder if it is hers
And I know you did not mean to do this
It was not something you planned from the beginning, **** just happens I guess
You are completely unknowing of what you have done
And frankly I don't want to tell you
I wouldn't want to harm your ego
You wouldn't harm anyone
In fact you may be one of the nicest people I have ever met
Something about you switches on a light inside of me, igniting this darkness that I have been residing in
For a brief moment, you reminded me what it felt like to not be so blind to love
I sometimes wish I still were
I see you everywhere I go
You are the voice inside of my head
Every time I meet someone new I cannot help but plater your face on their, smell your cologne, do not let them touch me in the same places you have for fear of smudging the fingerprints
And I know, I know it makes no sense to place valuable pieces of myself into hands that have no grip
Hands that shake, that tremble
Hands that have touches bodies, making no memories of the valleys of their skin, the mountains in their bones
I have learned you cannot teach someone to feel, cannot teach someone to love
Cannot force them to wash their body in all that you are offering them
They have become too accustomed to lukewarm love in between ***** bed sheets, threaded backseats
I find myself wanting to be a bridge worth burning
I hate you for making me hate my favorite restaurant
Because you work there
Because that’s where I met you

You will come home to me in the late afternoon
I will have gotten home from work just a few hours before you
Enough time to get comfortable and start our dinner
You swing open the front door and shut it softly behind you
Taking off your coat and hanging it up
You set down your bag and I hear your footsteps nearing the kitchen
You greet me with a smile and a kiss and I ask you how your day was
We talk about your boss's new rules and how you may be getting a Christmas bonus
I tell you about how the internet went down today so I got to come home early and miss traffic
As the food approaches it's time of readiness, you go upstairs to change
I grab two soda's out of the fridge and set them down
You stumble down stairs and we both laugh because I am usually the clumsy one
Fixing our plates you kiss my shoulders and we sit down to eat
After discussing the plans for Thanksgiving and who's house were going to first, I put away the dishes and start to clean up
You make your way in to help out so we can go shower and go to bed
After we finish, you kiss my neck and set me onto the kitchen counter
My heart races and I am amazed by how you can still light up this room I am in, start a campfire in my stomach, ignite my bones with your skin on mine, dig holes the caverns of my collarbones
You will come home to me in the late afternoon
And we will both be weary eyes but we will both be happy
I do not know who you are yet, but I am looking forward to meeting you

I sometimes pull heartbeats out of my chest and turn them into poems
Because I get sick of listening to this ***** inside of me like a drum, reminding me that I am still alive  because frankly I don’t care
It seemed to make no difference if my lungs suddenly forgot how to fill themselves with air
Suffocated shrunken up cavity, vacant of natural skills we develop from the womb
It wouldn't matter if I drowned in this void
I could manage anything after losing you
You see, in life we will experience droughts
Times where emotion runs dry, the sky cracks with a sunset and all you can see is orange
Your disposition is confusing, you are distant from friends, humble in insults, you have accepted your fate
You are going to smother eventually so be patient in this dismay
You have accustomed yourself to the spell of darkness and wonder all magic is black magic
You see I am sinking in this concrete, mental blankness, unfolding remolding
I do not want to love again, I want to but I know I won't be able to do it right so I do not want to love again
My body does not take well to being held, my heart racing does not comfort me
Butterflies are just insects that look pretty
I do not want to taste another's lips, I do not want you to tell me I am beautiful
There is no cure to this disease, it is malignant and vicious, it is determined to see me to my grave
Hardly anything comforts me anymore because there is only so much you can do with something that is broken
My skies are painted grey and my walls are painted white
Everything is ordinary, plain, mediocre, nothing excites me quite like you used to
So I sit patiently in this room where the floor is slowly rising up and he ceiling will soon make friends with my brain
I do not worry, the sky is the limit and I am almost there
I hope to greet the stars with a faint smile, weary and worn but authentic enough to join them
Look down upon you and assure that you are alright and then I fall
And maybe you can make a wish on me in her name

I never would have originally planned to have fallen so hard for someone who I casually met while hungover in an Izzo's
And that he who once came on so strong would now act as if the day never occured at all

He is a summer rain
A day you would rather be swimming
Out in the sun, soaking up rays into your vague veins
But you cannot control the weather
And you love it despite the inconvenience
He is snow in the winter
Beautiful and graceful
You smile when looking at it
But it takes a little more work than you planned
Shoveling the driveway, trouble starting your car
It is a hassle but one with a great view
He is you favorite television show
Funny, enjoyable at all times of the day
But sometimes leaves you hanging
Will come for a while and leave
And not return for a few days at a time
But when he does it is better than before
He is a jigsaw puzzle
Confusing and often stressful
But there is no better feeling of completing it
If you can, you try your best
He is love
Holy, sacred, untamable, fascinating in all lighting
Waking to rain, covering up in the cold
Turning up the volume
Putting the pieces together in the dark
He is everything I want
And everything I can't have

It is Sunday morning and I want to be waking up with you
Sunrise reaching through a crack in my curtains, staining the far wall with an angel's grace
I search the room for fragrance of romance and realize I am here alone
I think of you, sitting in the passenger seat, you driving
I wonder how focused you are on the road
I watched the sparkle dance across your eyes like fireflies at dusk
I imagine laying my head on your chest
Listening to your heartbeat and the blood pulsing through you veins like waves running from sea predators
I dream of kissing your velvet lips, taste the whisper wasted secrets of the world going into my mouth
Remind me of what you're running away from when we are laying still
I crave you when I'm near drifting off to sleep, or when I fix a cup of coffee, or when sitting at a red light
Nail my hands to this steering wheel, open my bones and look for your fingerprints
I swear I've seen you in another life, distant daylight drumming dancers, bend over backwards to reach your hands
I knew your name before I met you, my mother would tell me of a boy, one that I will meet one day, I think it must be you
Carry me up the stairs when I'm too tired to walk, undress me like a fragile glass doll, kiss my bare shoulders
Open up my mind and read my rough drafts and smile at how far I have come
Spin me in circles in the kitchen in place of doing the dishes
Trace the curves of my body, outline this artwork with your paintbrush fingertips
She used to tell me stories, make believe, play pretend with the faceless man whom I will be in love with and will be in love with me
Because the best feeling is to love and be loved in return
And I remember my father smiling at my mother as if she was the miracle he had searched his whole life for
Nothing less than spectacular, a supernatural occurrence where the odds happened to be in his favor
I remember Sunday mornings, sleep late, sit outside and listen to their favorite songs
Drink coffee all day in PJs and actually make breakfast
I look forwards to Sunday mornings where I hope you will wake next to me