authentic

authentic May 2015

I have found myself discovering new hobbies to release the things inside of my head
Drawing, painting, writing, playing music
Anything to let these thoughts escape without me having to say them out loud
I wonder how many times people have used a pen or paintbrush because they can't pull the trigger either
You have drained the life out of me and then called it romance
And it was beautiful despite the desolation I am in now
So I am using the left over scraps from my body to create new homes
And though they are only models, I am learning to love the girl you left behind nonetheless
I know that one day I won't have to fight to be alright
Let these callused hands find rest in mapping their way out on paper
Making new exits out of these woods that your shoes have never touched
I will bleed and blister in cutting these things down
But I have learned that in order to make a new way
You have to go through the trouble of doing so
So I will draw these trees, paint them, write about them
And sing with their inhabitants
With hopes that this love song might somehow travel to you
I just hope you'll be listening

authentic May 2015

Think of the first moment you knew

Think of the first moment you knew
The gut feeling wrapped itself around my stomach
Like vines climbing in between the crevices in your hands
Growing in your palms
The grey areas suddenly being filled with profound color
It is an experience not easily replicated
Remember the way she laughs at everything
How she sang along to the radio and wore your sunglasses
Remember how she used to steal your hat
Remember how she used to wrap her arm around yours in the middle seat, remember the times she sat in the passenger side when she was angry
But do not forget how she used to slide over when she realized the middle seat was far more comfortable because she was closer to you
Think of the first moment you know
The gut feeling wrapped itself around my stomach
Like vines climbing in between the crevices in your hands
Growing in your palms
The grey areas suddenly being filled with black
It is an experience not easily replicated
Remember the long nights where she didn't want to call
The constant passenger side
The ignored text messages, the silence in the car
Opening her own car door because she didn't need you for that anymore
She didn't need you for a lot anymore
But she insisted that you still be friends
Because she couldn't bear losing you
And here you are now, moved on
Think of the first moment you knew
The gut feeling wrapped itself around my stomach
Like vines climbing in between the crevices in your hands
Growing in your palms
The darkness suddenly being filled with profound light
It is an experience not easily replicated
And she will be there, wanting you back
And I guess now writing this from your perspective
And I don't blame you for anything
I don't blame you at all

authentic May 2015

I loved you anyways

It's hard not to love you
And I know it should be easier now that your gone
But in truth it has only gotten harder
It's like you have knowingly trained me to miss you
And all this hot weather has got me wanting to take a swim in your eyes
Craving the affection I never really received
I imagine that I know what your lips taste like
It's like watching someone eat something you are allergic to
And you have never had it yourself, but you imagine it's wonderful
Loving you was the easiest thing I ever did,
Even when it was hard it was easy
Loving you was like breathing
I am watching you fall in love with her and
I am watching her fall in love with you
And while I am watching you fall in love with each other
All people can do is ask me if I am okay
This world is no place for people with hearts
Not when we give them away so easily
And yet knew this and still loved you
I loved you anyways

authentic May 2015

On Finding Love

Curl his palms around the lower ends of my back
As an acoustic melody fractures these walls while he is sipping lust from my collarbones
Kissing my body like it is the only thing he knows how to do
Running his hands up like he is reaching for sunlight
The resonance of heavy breathing will cause monsoons in Thailand
And maybe it isn't love
But maybe that's okay
And I do still miss you all the time
And I'm trying to find a way out of this
But what if I'm trying to do the right thing but I am perpetually reading the signals wrong?
What about the grey areas?
I am trying to love myself again
But that is hard to do with hands that are not yours
Carving their names into my body
I want to love you but you just won't let me
And this is where I find my escape
This is where I have been finding my love lately

if you ever read this, know that this is one of the few i have told you about

authentic May 2015

4 in the morning

Why do I wake at 4 in the morning to run my fingers through you hair?
Sleepless lullaby playing in the back of my throat
I want to pull my body onto yours
But it is 4 in the morning and that's insane
Because you're gone now, the kind of gone where you are not expected to return
You have not left for work or for school, you're just gone
The cars on the highway have never sounded so loud
It's as if I can hear the radio static in each one
And I wonder how many people are awake at 4 in the morning wishing for the same things and me
Because though 2 am is lively and 3 am is scary, no one ever talks about 4 am because you are expected to be asleep by this time
It is 5 in the morning and maybe now I will be able to sleep this away, but maybe I will stay up in hopes that you will visit me

authentic May 2015

Words (From Favorite to Least)

My favorite word is authentic
Real and happening, something still alluring with no edit
Like taking a picture of a sunset
Never having to add color or exposure
Because it is how it should be
Authentic like who love should be
Where you don’t have to pretend
Because just looking at them, everything is how it is
And you don’t want to change a thing
Love is real and happening if it is with the right person
My least favorite word is almost
Almost holds failed potential
It represents our ability to be not good enough
Almost is being on the brink of something so beautiful but falling short, this happens so much that we crafted a word for it
We were an almost, an idea misconstrued, a simple possibility that was never played out to the fullest
We could have been something - should have been something - but we weren't
And my god I want to hate you but I don’t and I don’t think I ever could
Because I somehow still think that you were my authentic

authentic May 2015

Tomorrow

Some moments you can just feel, fizzling from out under like a hundred sparklers being ignited for a spectacular light show
"I know I have to tell him," she thinks, "Now or never."
After all there's nothing left to lose but an already fleeting night
She thinks dawn will reach the sky before she tells him
He looks up and smiles and in the moment he's so dear it hurts
She should tell him she still loves him but her lips cannot form the words
Sometimes we hold on to feelings and leave things left unsaid because we are afraid of what could follow
But change is inevitable and life is complicated but it is wild, crazy, and beautiful
So if not tonight, there's always tomorrow
Maybe she will tell him tomorrow